My Grandma

I just returned from a trip to the old folks home. after visiting my grandmother, the emotional side of me starts to stir again.. i am overwhelmed with emotions that seems at odd with each other and is really feeling down.

I saw in her eyes utter despair. she is as if an empty shell without her soul. her eyes look different today. her soulful eyes tell a pitiful tale about old age, loneliness, fear, contempt, vulnerability among others. most important of all, it says of a lady that is totally devoid of hope.

My eyes were stung. even though my grandma is not a very popular figure among my relatives and even my parents, she had being good to me. i used to be afraid of smiling or even to laugh heartily. every time i laughed, i will use my hand to cover my mouth. yes i was afraid that people will noticed my less than perfect set of pearlies. after a lifelong quest to rectify that difficiency, i was in need of some cash. without hestitation, she took out 1k of her money and passed it to me. thats how i got enough money to make my braces and thats how i find confidence in posing for pictures, in laughing without the need to cover my mouth.

Not only that, she had always been kind to me. i guess its a two way cycle. as most of her grandchildren obstracise her, i remained. sometimes i lament and felt panges of guilt. compared to the rest, i had more than done my duty. but what is enough? is it sufficient merely to "out fillial" the rest? she is not merely an obligation. she is my grandma and my care for her should never degenerate into tangible amounts, just like her love for me.

Every time i visit her, i gave small amounts of money to her. thats the least i can do. as my mom and relatives alway complain about my grandma and her mouth(that always speak ill of some of them), i fidget with irritation. even though i acknowledge that she can get extremely irritating and unpleasant with her comments, they seems to overlook a very important detail.

That she is in pain having to fight the cancer cells ravaging her body, her loneliness of being in an old folks home, her fear of not knowing whether she will wake up to see the next day, her anguish of seemingly being forsaken(though its not true as we do spent huge amount of money to house her and also visit her frequently), her anger of being confined to the vicinity of the home when she used to be a very active person in travelling and most of her, her despair of being obstracised.

My heart pours out to her. i really wanted at this point of time to find some girl and get them to be my gf. then i will bring her to visit my grandma and let her know that her favourite grandson is not only doing okae academically but also in love. love will keep us alive ahh that famous song by Eagles. what about a person that is terminally illed but devoid of love? what will keep them alive?

She called out to me before i left to visit her often. she told me that she has not much time left. its the first time she called out to me this way. her pleas cut like a knife across my heart. i wish i can share her pain or at least understand it. im afraid however i dont and maybe never will. this time i really realise something. morbid and upsetting this may sound, i somehow really feel her time will be up soon. i dread that day but i knew its inevitable. all humans die someday. i wish before she is gone, she will be comforted of the fact that out there in the world there are people who still cares for her. i know at least there is me.. as for me, the day of her passing will be the end of a chapter for me. i am happy in the fact that at least i was once touched by an angel..

Sarah

I just got back from watching a movie-nacho libre. kinda lame show but the actress was pretty cute so in that retrospect, 2.5 stars.

Tmr (infact later) was the start of my summer term 3b. okae i havent bidded for that mod yet but still gg for class and see if i can secure a spot. its being ages since i step back into smu and i will be doing so with trepidation.. went to a club butter factory in the end last night and its pretty cool. hot babes and their house beer is asahi. first time tasting that. kinda diff..

I was watching a b grade tv show on channel 8 about some killers who killed 2 caucasians. its supposed to be a truth story i guess. in the show i saw a brunette. it stir up some innate feelings in me that i thought had since laid dormant. apparantly its not meant to be i guess..

That girl is sarah. yesh sarah the german. i remembered that night vividly as i laid down on my bed. she must be in america now ba. what makes her so special? i guess that 1 night i spent with her was the closest i had came since i broken up that make me felt in love..

I recalled that night fondly. i went with bottie to find lucie and sarah after our dinner at swekja. i was abit reluctant as i do not really know them. even though i found sarah cute way before that (during the fancy costume party and her pic is somewhere in my earlier entry), i had never thought of finding her. i doubted i had a chance anyway.

Somehow that night, i went along. more in hope than anything else. while at her aprt, we didnt talk much. after we went to the club, she was chatting mostly with nils. i couldnt find the opportunity to approach her. however i soon find her alone for a split second. i garnered all my courage and in false bravado, i went up to her.

She wanted me to drink and i agree. we went to the bar and get more drinks. we were gyrating to the beats and rythm not too long after that. all along, she was constantly trying to remind me its only for fun. somehow i got the feeling those statements was more for her than me. i did something stupid. she asked me to drink a glass of half full beer on the table. it was just lying there and we didnt know who it was for. it definitely didnt belong to my friends. i drank it. it was absurb as that night, beer was free flow. somehow i did it. i just felt that need, that insatiable urge to give in to her. in return for that act, she kissed me.

After sometime, we went for a walk.. we were chatting and she was lying on my lap. it was magical.. i did not expect to hold a quality conversation with a german girl i barely knew. somehow the vibe was there. it was really beautiful. we kissed again. this time it was a lingering kiss that sucked the life out of me. for that brief moment, my whole body was raptured by love.. love that tingering sensation..

We went back to her aprt and room. i slept with her that night. we did not did anything other than kissing and hugging. how could that be possible?? but thats exactly how it happened. i wont denied i tried to do more than that. as any hot blooded male would testify, it is hard to resist the allure of a cute girl. whats more a cute german girl.

Somehow i was satisfied. just lying beside her and cuddle her gently. my arms was cramping as i tried my best not to move so as not to stir her from sleeping. i recalled being awake the whole night. i was content just to see her fall asleep beside me. i could feel her heartbeat, her gentle breathing, her every stirs and movements. it was simply mesmerising.

I was in utopia. i found myself wishing the night doesnt end and she will continued to lie beside me. of course it didnt happened. in the morning we were still very lovey dovey. as i had lessons and my eyes were starting to smart from dryness of my lens, i excuse myself and left. she promised me to meet that night. somehow i knew then it was not going to happen.. indeed.. that was the last special night i had with her..

She did not really explain why.. to this day, i found myself pondering occasionally what had caused her to change so drastically. i guess it should be that she is leaving in a week's time and knew we will have no future together. if thats the case, i be extremely upset. i am someone who could give up alot just to pacify my love one and be with her. i was prepared to wait for her tough it may be. guess it takes two to tango. in the end, we left it as that. a special day in warsaw. a night that came closest to replicate the sensations, the love, the vibe, the tenderness that bear striking resemblance to her. yes.. her.. sarah.. i wish you happiness for the rest of your life. you are deeply missed..

Saturdays

When people are asked to name a favourite day of theirs, saturday inevitably will came to mind. this is a day when everyone seems to stop working. on a day when the world seemingly rotates slower is a day i fear and dread the most recently.

You see this day is one where those in love seems so much more in love and those who are lonely seem to have their loneliness amplified tons fold. on weekdays when everyone is caught in their hussle to get their work done, such feelings are left in the backseat. however as the week slowly progresses and everyone get set to look forward to another eventful rest days, those people like me starts to get edgy.

On saturdays, you start wishing that you have a companion. this is the day that either promises joy and laughter or more recently, bordom and frustrations. after the umpteenth times of rejections from friends, you start to cower and retreat back to the safe encave that is your home.

There is also a stigma of being home on saturdays. only those who are awefully sick have a vindicate reason to stay home, the rest are loosely branded as losers, unwanted, geeks and other deragotory terms. at least this is what i would personally think if i know my friends are home on saturdays.

During saturdays, i start to wish i havent turn down some of the girls who i have rejected. i tried in vain to reassure myself that it is not i am not wanted. its just that im picky. truth hurts i guess. while it is not too much to say that i have had my fair share of admirers, nowadays they seem a dime a dozen. in fact all i look forward to nowadays are fridays.

On fridays i get to play vball. so for the next 3 whole hours, i be prancing up and down the court. rolling to retrieve the ball, elevating into the air to spike the ball, tossing the ball and send a radar seeking ball into the opponents court, high fiving when a tremendous point is scored. for that momentary 3 hours, all sense of being obstracise are eradicated. so i do enjoy my fridays. this could be an oxymoronic statement considering i hated saturdays.

So after the euphoria of fridays, one came crashing down to earth the next day.. after the high of playing an intense game of vball, you suffer the igominity of coping up at home on sat. days like this make u think. why did your itchy mouth say no when someone asked you out. or why did your pride gets the better of you and you refuse to key in some number to try date others. or the best part.. rejecting that so eligible girl JUST because you think she pales in comparison to your ex. yup. and you suffer at home alone.. suffer the fate of a loser. cheers.

Heaven knows

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.

And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Chorus:
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

But tell me,
where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
(Repeat Chorus except last line)

Bridge:
'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?

(Repeat Chorus)

Heaven knows... heaven knows.

read on

i wanted to turn back but it was in vain.. as her voice started to quiver and mercilessly broke the chrisp yet painful news to me, i shivered.. she tried to sound indifferent but her voice betrayed her nervousness. as she starts to find choice words to break the news to me as gently and subtly as possible, i start to realise the magnitude of the problem..

a precedent has being set. as the stark reality of the news began to weigh heavily upon my shoulder, i tried to stay positive. "dont cry david. dont smile too." do not let them have the chance to revel in their choice. make them think, make them ponder. make them guess how oh how did this guy remain so passive and calm in the face of adversary?

like a battle hardened warrior, i stood up and nod silently. i understand and i accepted their decision. harsh it may be, i will bear it. a huge blow to my ego, a potentially career ending blow. shall i wallow in self pity? shall i rant and shout and let them have the enjoyment to bask in their decision? i smiled gingerly. for this is a girl whom in my despair, still remains strangely attracted to.

she is thin. almost stick like. but her waif like figure seems to glide through the terrain effortlessly. ahh.. what a sight.. as i took in the last few mouthful of the stale air there, i realise this is the beginning of the end. let her regret. let them regret. thou shall not look back.

i suck in one last breath and without turning to look at anyone or anything, i took my bow. i wish i need not be back. i wish this would be my final swansong. but it was not to be. like a cruel joke, i must return tomorrow to this fake utopian society. its a survival of the fittest place. i have outlived my stay. i am retrenched. though i shall have endless freedom now till school starts, i felt a massive strain upon me. ahh... 1 step forward for freedom. unfortunately?? 2 steps regression for ego.. sigh.

Friendster account

After suppressing the need to set up a friendster account since i deleted mine more than 1.5 yrs back, i belatedly re set up one today. maybe its because ruifang ask me to check if her friends are cutee.. maybe its because i have being inundated with requests to set up mine friendster account. maybe its because i realise my circle of friends are not as large as i believe it to be(if not i wont be alone on sat nite!). maybe.. just maybe its a sign, a gesture of closure. in any case, i registered my friendster account for say.. the 4th time? hopefully tis will be my last too...

However after i embarked on my maiden odessey journey to re discover and to reacquaince myself with long lost friends, i did the unthinkable. i search for her site.. deliberately. have i healed and recovered fully? i guess i do. but to try to totally shove her out of my mind as if it never happen before is just going to be an act to tough to cut.

Do i miss her? uh huh.. yes i do at times. but this doesnt prove or vindicate any single thing. im sure everyone in their struggle to fight bordom, in their spare times, in their loneliness and in despair, all tries to reach out and grab hold to a pleasant memory. its an automatic mechanism that is designed to give u some respite to the unpleasanties that may be plaguing you. it is like a life bouy that u cling on to and refuse to let go even though u have reach shore. fearing that you might ever need the bouy again, u deflate it and keep it securely under some articles. maybe im rambling now. maybe im being philosophically incoherent. maybe im jus aching to get some attention. maybe im jus plain bored..

Have i let go of the past? one of the favourite question that i had being asked countless times since we broken up. oratorical replies from me seem to highlight the point she is no longer in my life. evidence suggest otherwise. while i no longer harbour any lingering hopes to rekindle the past we once had, i have always seek to compare her with the new girls i met. the worst thing? the new girls inevitably will came up short.

However its true that after my exchange, i sort of feel a more different man. my temper has mellow. my mood swings are lesser in frequencies. im more cheerful. heck even my waistline is balloning though this is not necessary an ideal situation. while this blog has serve its purpose of being a bitter satire of mine to rant about irrelevancies, "loonism", occasional political outbursts and of course my own experiences, they usually encompass the usual topics. its importance though should not be belittled.

Without an avenue to channel your frustrations, i would have being a more ill tempered and bitter guy than i am now. hey i just confirmed my position as a swirler in thoughts. i can start this entry as why do i start a friendster account and now im talking about total mundane and morbid ironies that are totally irrelevant. i do not know what im feeling right now. its a stage of confusion with a vast layer of canopy shielding my brain from deciphering my real mood now. i do know for sure that i am not sad. thats good. an improvement.

saturday night

its a lonely sat night.. tried to ask ppl out but guess i start to ask them too late.. none of them are free.. as i sat in my darken room surfing through the web, i start to reminisce over my times in poland. it is kinda impossible that on sat night in warsaw, i be this lonely.. most likely i will be drinking and merry making somewhere...

wonder what ppl like botermann and cp is doing.. what about tominator and co? what about christine? what about greta and kirk? are they coping well? are they having fun? my time in warsaw flew by in a blink of an eye. things r returning back to normal n im normally busy working in singapore. the times and experiences i had during my exchange seems so distant.. everything seem crystal clear yet so far away. i remember vividly every single detail but yet it seems like i have never done those things before..

time and tide waits for no man. how apt. as i sat forlornly in my room getting nolstalgic about the past, the world refuses to start spinning. the thought that i had spent 1/3 of a human's normal lifespan is haunting me.. as my life ebbs closer to middle age, i realised that all the years had jus flew by me. yet i remain unsatisfied and unfulfilled. what have i done this past 25yrs that are noteworthy? have i save the world? nah. have i stop spending my parents' money? nope. have i reach out and help others selflessly? negative. have i found my own happiness and love? nei.

i have not done anything that im particularly proud or fond of.. am i too harsh on myself? possibly.. but it truly perplex me that i had spent 25 years and not achieve anything. in places like africa where the average lifespan is around 40 years, i would only have 15 years left to live. will i consider my life a success if i were to leave now?

everyone used to wonder what would happen to them when they got older. i know. i used to think what it would be like once i cross the 21 years barrier. did anything happen?? nope it didnt. if u discount the fact that i was crossed in love multiple times, served the national service in a ridiculous unit, got into a university plagued with posers, continue to lose in vball games, spending my parents hardearned money... maybe as a kid u will think with age, comes greater freedom and happiness.

that is not true. as a kid, u certainly did not need to think much. when to study is determined by ur mom. how much u get as pocket money depends on ur begging and "how to look pathetic" skills. playing sports simply means calling some numbers or knocking on their doors to go down to the void deck to kick a ball. eating times mean once ur mom is done with the cooking. outings points to sundays when dad is not working. girls and relationships?? oh well.. they are simply something to fantasize about. you see as a kid, i never had much (in fact NO luck at all) luck with girls.. not that i got alot to boast about now..

however those days were carefree. no money?? no problem. just find excuses like u need a new text book. no soccer balls? go to the bins and find a discarded can. bored?? jus pick up the phone and call someone. someone page u but u cant reply? just give the same excuse that u r on the bus and is too poor to own a hp. didnt do well for exams? jus bear ur parents' naggings and the occasional caning.. no car to drive?? buses and trains are always there... no air con? fans.. checked.

get jilted in love? sleep, dream and find a new target... ahh.. somethings never change. i like that. continuity.

bdae

long time since i last blog.. being very busy with work. but thats good. money is a very valuable commodity dat i seems to lack now though. it seems tat once i got back spore, i really got no mood or stuffs to blog about. my daily activities seems pretty mundane that im like thinking who would wana read about actually?

i just came back from a chalet. went to cj's 21st bdae chalet at down town east. had a pretty good time and was drinking rather heavily. it does bring back memories of those hardcore drinking sessions in warsaw that seems so far back though its less than 3 weeks since im back. i being sinking back into the lifestyle here-the singapore way and time is flying pass me in a flash. it seems almost surreal that not too long ago i was thinking about how it will be like in europe and now im already back and settling in well.

fri was in fact my bdae. i was surprised that so many ppl sms me to wish me happy bdae. ppl like tricia, daphne, spencer, joanne, weicai etc msged me to wish me. many more did so likewise but these are the ppl im like not expecting at all since how can they rem my bdae? i cant rem any of theirs for sure... it could be my date is easily registered in the mind or simply they are more sincere than me ba.. however i pride myself as being a sincere friend. oh well.. birthdates n numbers are not my forte. i alwiz rem my gfs' bdae only and thats aso out of obligation. after we break, i cease to rem...

i dint do anything special for my bdae. went to work for the first time at synovate. its actually pretty simple job but the pay isnt extremely attractive. im like earning $6.50/hr. it beats though staying at home. low income is certainly better den no income. after tat i went for vball session and really enjoy myself alot. finally i conclude my 25th bdae with a movie (superman). went to yishun 10 with urine n frog. low key affair but im not into bdaes nowadays so it hardly matters. to be honest however i do wish to spend it with someone i love.. i never had a simple, romantic bdae celebration with any of my gfs and the drought seems determined to continue..

as i age further, i felt less inclined to find a gf. i mean i WANT to find one but the urgency to land one dat seems to pressing in the past, has weirdly desserted me. it seems that it is no longer the numero uno of my concern but money or career seems more dominant in my thoughts. i fear. i fear that im turning into another xu xiao pian who seemingly had no sense of her own age and is still completely oblivious to the need to get a bf.. thats a scary thought.. being left on the shelf but she is totally at ease with it.. hmm.. my bdae wish is she find someone she love and who loves her back. maybe mk can do dat role but she is just too critical.. sigh.