battle cry

Life is hectic. my life is hectic. yanz life is hectic. frog's life is hectic. clar's life too. plus endless smu muggers' life.. its as if u r chasing for an end. but is there an end? will there be an end? when it seems that u have reached ur destination, it seems to start from square one again.

You get smack to where u came from and the whole cycle repeats. will you find peace? will you find bliss? will you ever find back your soul? your freedom? i doubt there will be an end to this all. the hustle bustle of life. the stress of work. the burning ambition to achieve something, to fulfill something.

You get suck along this maddening quest to find that elusive goal. comforting yourself all will end soon and you will find back yourself. allaying your niggling fears that all these work, these stress, these "pulling out your freaking hair", "screaming at that farker who stood in your way" will be worth it. all these caffeine you piled yourself with will be rewarded. will you?

I dont know if its worth it. but i know its life. no wails, no sobs are necessary or useful. the world will never stop spinning for me or you. its either you continue this rat race, this quest or you get left behind, get forgotten.. im not going to do that. i used to be satisfied with a normal hdb, normal saloon car lifestyle. not anymore. if life is a game, a fight and a quest, ultimately i must and will be victorious!

Towards the path of glory i march on. to new frontiers i seek!

2 girls on my thoughts

Urine asked me to update my blog.. i thought long and hard about it but nothing comes to mind. i calm down and wonder again.. what interesting activities or occurence that might be of juicy bits to readers? still no luck... i delved into it deeper.. ahhhh.. something did happen..

I chatted with char few days back. not to be confuse by pretty face clar, its charmaine i conversed with the other day. its as if nothing change about her. the bubbly personality, the chirpy self, the replies in jest.. seems to turn back time to u know that fated two years back. only of cos she was then MY gf but she is someone's else partner now.

No no.. im not about to retreat into my shell again and grieve over what could have been. the incessant whining had ceased. the tear glands are no long operational. the memories while distinct, is slowly losing its importance. the feelings? tough qn but no im not like craving her return but i do think of her. but guess its a mixture of loneliness coupled with a lock in memory mechanism that forces me to still lament over that fateful day.

Im not really missing her per se. just talking to her is like a breath of fresh air. but she is living well. thats all that matter. anyway the heart had long stop beating for her.

Ok now moving on to another girl. Clar. the IT girl of the moment. i do not know if she be reading this but here goes. this is a girl that is simply irrestible to guys if u look at her face. really sweet, really pretty. her voice can melt the most hardened soul's heart.

However its funny how much contradicting feelings a guy might have for her. outlook wise she scores DAMN high. princess like, doeful eyes, black long (reasonably though its longer prev apparantly) hair, pale pink lips.. get the idea?

Beyond this facade, hides a girl that is both mystifying and endearing me all the same. brutally blunt, she can and will (if she wants to), chip away at ur self confidence and gnaw on ur sensitive soul. you get pissed. temperature rising, u swore to yourself "i will not bother with her again." but something about her snatches at you. force u to rethink. is this jus a front she is putting up to fend away from the incessant attentions she is recieving? is it just work related blues? etc etc..

You soften. take a look at her pic, your anger subside further. u rationalise irrationally(oxymoronic i konw), someone that looks so angelic couldnt be that unreasonable. get to know her better. chip away at that cold frosty exterior. who knows what you may find? who knows u might find a girl who not only look as good as an angel, but behaves like one too??

Do such perfection exists? if it does, will it falls for a mortal like me? who knows? i know weirder things happen in life. i wander into far fetched fantasy where everyone lives happily ever after.

facets of life

Have u wonder why do good guys finish last? no matter what girls claim about the attractiveness of snags and metrosexual, in the end i think its all bullshit. alpha male are still in vogue and look likely to remain so. fair enough as girls get older, their mentality might shift and begin to appreciate such guys. however in this context it seems to badder u r, the more chicks u dig.

I am not always such a nice guy to all girls. not surprisingly, those i ill-treated sticks to me and remained at my beck and call. u think someone like me who had it the hard way will learn to appreciate them right? on the contrary i dont. take them for granted and ask them out when im bored.

Shouted at them for being late, keep out a fuss for their occasional indifferences, staying aloof if they did something against my wishes. to surmise, i was a bastard. guess what? girls flocked to me. seemingly charm out of their wits by my oh sooo dastardly ways. is this kharma i wondered aloud.

Is there reasons to be sad when you never ever own anything? i dont know. the burning sensation in your heart scream for a reprieve. signs of a weak male. i know. i admit and i say it now. if being overly concern and sensitive is a crime, sue me. i awaits for the sentence on me.

Being a wuss? Guilty as charged. Sentence? more loneliness and piles of misery. Avenues for appeal? None.

I sink back into oblivion.

My friend- RF the pesky pest

Have you ever had a friend who clamour to be blog about in YOUR own blog? yeap a platonic friend who incessant bugging has finally seen me relenting and blog a little about this young lass which is slowly but surely becoming a good buddy of mine.

I guess she expects me to write good stuffs about her. its akin to writing a testimonial about a friend in YOUR own blog. hows that for narcissism? im cracking my head on how best to blog about a friend. avid readers (thou not many left) of my blog will struggle to identify me blogging about a FRIEND. yeap. im still gripping over this and remains baffled as to why i give in to her request?

Least some of you start volunteering that i am carrying a touch or having some form of fetish about her, holy cow.. thats NOT true and so NOT going to happen.

This friend of mine hails from a long time back. she was my junior in OI time. then she puts powder on her neck with her "blackness" amplifying the effect. everyone please go yeewww.... yeap how can any self respecting girl do that? hahaa... but thats an image of her that will stick with me.. johnson baby powder = ruifang's black neck dashed with a sprinkle of white.

She can get unbelievably loud and violent. she was shouting that she like this particular guy in zouk some time back.. when we try to hush her, she retorted whether its wrong to like a guy? oh my.. she either has low self-worth or she is incredibly brave in voicing her love. what about those numerous chops she will rain down on others' chests and arms when she is drunk? dont see she frail frail, when she hit its as if u get slap by a volleyballer spiking! its freaking painful and dont start with me being a gu niang and cant take blows cos its really incredibly PAINFUL.

Hmmm.. im supposed to blog about her good points which im struggling to find. but teasing aside, she is really a wonderful friend who besides being lazy (no car rides then she is usually hestitant to come out), obnoxious (wakes u up when u r still sleeping while she continues to laze in bed), violent & bashful (please refer to the top) etc, she is also damn filial (whoever wakes up in the wee hours to sell prawn noodles?), cute (according to her slowly burgeoning army of admirers abeit a little blind), nice to chat with (i STOPPED chatting on phone since im 14 years old and thats more than a decade ago but that night she asked to chat with me so we did & i feel as if i was transported to when im still a little boy..), sporty (we two once combined and beat 2 GUYS in bball which of cos i contribute most of the points), innocent (wana kiss and hug a certain carrot but doesnt dare admit) etc.

Whats most miraculous about our friendship? we get reacquainted after i returned from poland in Phuture.. she can still recognise me which means only 1 thing.. my attempt in handsoming myself seems like a futile attempt.. oh well.. the world is never perfect anyway..

Retired from vball

Its official.. i have quit competitive volleyball.. maybe for good. starting of a new beginning for me. SMU and former OI number 13 player is officially retired.

please dont wear fur.

How could you do this to me?
looking at you with my soulful eyes,
screaming and pulling at the cage?

How could you flung me to the ground,
as if im a doll and doesnt feel pain or terror?

How could you have sold your soul,
to the devil just to make a few more bucks on tearing my skin?

Did you forget i feel pain too? i fear too?
When i see my friends before me forcibly pluck from the cage and thrown to the floor with all your might?

The lucky ones die early. While those tougher one like me grasp for air and fight a pointless fight?
Slowly you cut off my craws..

That hurts... it really do.. i wanted to struggle.. air was suck out of me.. i could feel blood ozzing from my body..
My body starts to get cold and stiff.. Still my misery isnt ended..

Why dont you just chop off my head? or pierce a knife into my heart and twitch it tight? Why not end my misery once and for all?

Was it becos you needed my fur whole? was it becos devil had harden your heart and make you impervious to the immerse pain you are causing me??

Slowly you take a clipper and hang me by the beam.. you cut thru my legs and pull off my skin while im still frantically trying to comprehend what is going on?

Onlookers flashes out their cameras and start shooting.. some was cheering for my slow march to death.. i start to stare at you with my eyes.. body trembling and fraught with suffering.. i promise you. may you die a horrible death.

Because.. how could you? why would you.. I shut my eyes for the final time.

I was reading my friend's blog when i came across this video of a couple of small bears getting skinned alive for their fur. their actual sufferings surely pale in comparison to my literacy efforts. I could see the pain in their eyes.. its haunting me.. a tear drop form in my eye. then another.. it was sad.. the poor creature live through the whole process.. from watching their fellow animals getting slain, to their turn.. they were still struggling even when the skin were pulled out from the head which started at their legs.. i pray for them and i curse the perpetrator for their sins..

To any readers who may be reading this..

PLEASE DONT WEAR FUR.. please..

http://my.so-net.net.tw/sirwang/fur.wmv

musings

Very often in life, there will be individuals who u love and cherish dearly but does not reciprocate your love and those who did everything for you possible and does not expect any returns, but yet you turn a blind eye too.. i ask myself frequently. is it important to be with someone you love more or someone whom love you dearly?

Recently, 2 of my secondary school friends ask me out as they are experiencing problems in their love lives. they were seeking advice but its kinda contradicting that a failure in rs like me is dispensing advices. something about their tales drew me back to the time where i experienced both love and heartbreaks.. i knew inspite of what i told them, ultimately they will never have the courage to let go. are they cowardy for failing to acknowledge the failings of their rs? im not sure.. you see.. i was once like them.

I am perpetually grappling and struggling with the concept of love. dearly want to be love again but yet times and times again, i failed. pretending to be truly satisfied with my current lot is tough. i long for the day where i will fuss over my gf whether she eaten her dinner or whether she is having a headache. i pray for the day that when im joyous and triumphant, i can call someone to share with it. i miss the days where there is someone lying on my chest and listen to my heartbeat while i stroke wispful of hair falling over her face.. i missed being love and able to love.

While some may blame my self imposed "exile" from love on myself, either by setting improbable targets or backing off at the last minute after reminiscing over my past, this is not a deliberate ploy on my part. the next girl that enters my life must be the one. i can no longer comprehend the possibility of failure. though im merely 25, i honestly doesnt have much time left to make more mistakes ditto the heartbreaks.

Even though i honestly long to be love again, the career path and my future route being planned seemingly render being attached a liability. im going to lead a overseas community project next year. i also hope to secure an overseas internship soon. when i graduate, i might wish to see the world by being an air steward for a year or 2. all these travellings might complicate my life if im in love. i know myself well. if i am attached, i will no longer carry out most of these tasks.. will i blame myself then if my rs didnt work out? surely i wont be able to turn back time then and lose my opportunity to further myself abroad.

I hate to say this but i might be turning alcoholic. while i used to drink to fit in a group, i drink now because i like it. i like the feeling of feeling high. the swirling in your head, the pounding in your chest, the weakening of your limbs and most of all, the fading of memories abeit temporarily that you desperately seek to erase.

If i cant find a girl i love who love me back, which is better?? love or be love?

bottie arrival

Botermann was here for 3 days. Its being ages since i last saw him from warsaw. was really happy to see him. brought him to marina south to have steamboat. he was really happy and excited by it n gorge himself silly on prawns n mussels. kinda reminisce kuba in the way he was eating. the excitement, euphoria and more obviously, the huge amount..

We went to caesers with a couple of others like chris, opy and bf, waychong etc to drink first. opened 2 bottles of vodka and its like good ol times. after getting really high, we went to MOS. it was a rip roaring night with more booze flowing at the club.

Huiwen was pissed drunk. she passed out in the female toilet n i went in and carry her out. she was way heavier than i thought. i slip and hit myself on the floor.. knee swollen. not a good sign. but i huff and puff and carried her outside safely. hw became prettier since years ago.. not only that, wc, carrot head and jap chinese puke too.. u can imagine how crazy it is.. and yeap i overspent..

Brought jap back to hostel n let him take the bed and i hit the floor.. he puke on the floor and my shoe but luckily not on me.. all in all its a crazy fun night.. really love it.. hate the spending part thou..

The next day i went back home to try complete some work. met up with bottie and brought him to chomp chomp (with frog n mk). after that we went to tour malay village which is having a bazaar coincide with hari raya. to me its boring though.. went for durian but bought the lousy grade one. huge mistake. the durians are really horrible.. u pay for what u get..

Went back to hostel and drank with a couple of backpackers there. was a laid back night and watch dodgeball for the 2nd time. today brought him to chinatown, boat quay n took a mrt tour around the island. he came to my place n had dinner.. had since sent him to the airport and he should be on his way to koh samui now..

Really happy that he came but also sad.. cos i had to bear the wrench of us parting a second time.. bottie is a wonderful fren to me. we may be so unlike in looks, nationality and even thinking, but his a really precious part of my memory in poland. i dont know if i ever get to see him again but i sure hope i will do.. even if we never meet again, he will always be in my heart having being a part of my life, my adventure in europe. till we meet again, adieu.