My Grandma
I just returned from a trip to the old folks home. after visiting my grandmother, the emotional side of me starts to stir again.. i am overwhelmed with emotions that seems at odd with each other and is really feeling down.
I saw in her eyes utter despair. she is as if an empty shell without her soul. her eyes look different today. her soulful eyes tell a pitiful tale about old age, loneliness, fear, contempt, vulnerability among others. most important of all, it says of a lady that is totally devoid of hope.
My eyes were stung. even though my grandma is not a very popular figure among my relatives and even my parents, she had being good to me. i used to be afraid of smiling or even to laugh heartily. every time i laughed, i will use my hand to cover my mouth. yes i was afraid that people will noticed my less than perfect set of pearlies. after a lifelong quest to rectify that difficiency, i was in need of some cash. without hestitation, she took out 1k of her money and passed it to me. thats how i got enough money to make my braces and thats how i find confidence in posing for pictures, in laughing without the need to cover my mouth.
Not only that, she had always been kind to me. i guess its a two way cycle. as most of her grandchildren obstracise her, i remained. sometimes i lament and felt panges of guilt. compared to the rest, i had more than done my duty. but what is enough? is it sufficient merely to "out fillial" the rest? she is not merely an obligation. she is my grandma and my care for her should never degenerate into tangible amounts, just like her love for me.
Every time i visit her, i gave small amounts of money to her. thats the least i can do. as my mom and relatives alway complain about my grandma and her mouth(that always speak ill of some of them), i fidget with irritation. even though i acknowledge that she can get extremely irritating and unpleasant with her comments, they seems to overlook a very important detail.
That she is in pain having to fight the cancer cells ravaging her body, her loneliness of being in an old folks home, her fear of not knowing whether she will wake up to see the next day, her anguish of seemingly being forsaken(though its not true as we do spent huge amount of money to house her and also visit her frequently), her anger of being confined to the vicinity of the home when she used to be a very active person in travelling and most of her, her despair of being obstracised.
My heart pours out to her. i really wanted at this point of time to find some girl and get them to be my gf. then i will bring her to visit my grandma and let her know that her favourite grandson is not only doing okae academically but also in love. love will keep us alive ahh that famous song by Eagles. what about a person that is terminally illed but devoid of love? what will keep them alive?
She called out to me before i left to visit her often. she told me that she has not much time left. its the first time she called out to me this way. her pleas cut like a knife across my heart. i wish i can share her pain or at least understand it. im afraid however i dont and maybe never will. this time i really realise something. morbid and upsetting this may sound, i somehow really feel her time will be up soon. i dread that day but i knew its inevitable. all humans die someday. i wish before she is gone, she will be comforted of the fact that out there in the world there are people who still cares for her. i know at least there is me.. as for me, the day of her passing will be the end of a chapter for me. i am happy in the fact that at least i was once touched by an angel..
I saw in her eyes utter despair. she is as if an empty shell without her soul. her eyes look different today. her soulful eyes tell a pitiful tale about old age, loneliness, fear, contempt, vulnerability among others. most important of all, it says of a lady that is totally devoid of hope.
My eyes were stung. even though my grandma is not a very popular figure among my relatives and even my parents, she had being good to me. i used to be afraid of smiling or even to laugh heartily. every time i laughed, i will use my hand to cover my mouth. yes i was afraid that people will noticed my less than perfect set of pearlies. after a lifelong quest to rectify that difficiency, i was in need of some cash. without hestitation, she took out 1k of her money and passed it to me. thats how i got enough money to make my braces and thats how i find confidence in posing for pictures, in laughing without the need to cover my mouth.
Not only that, she had always been kind to me. i guess its a two way cycle. as most of her grandchildren obstracise her, i remained. sometimes i lament and felt panges of guilt. compared to the rest, i had more than done my duty. but what is enough? is it sufficient merely to "out fillial" the rest? she is not merely an obligation. she is my grandma and my care for her should never degenerate into tangible amounts, just like her love for me.
Every time i visit her, i gave small amounts of money to her. thats the least i can do. as my mom and relatives alway complain about my grandma and her mouth(that always speak ill of some of them), i fidget with irritation. even though i acknowledge that she can get extremely irritating and unpleasant with her comments, they seems to overlook a very important detail.
That she is in pain having to fight the cancer cells ravaging her body, her loneliness of being in an old folks home, her fear of not knowing whether she will wake up to see the next day, her anguish of seemingly being forsaken(though its not true as we do spent huge amount of money to house her and also visit her frequently), her anger of being confined to the vicinity of the home when she used to be a very active person in travelling and most of her, her despair of being obstracised.
My heart pours out to her. i really wanted at this point of time to find some girl and get them to be my gf. then i will bring her to visit my grandma and let her know that her favourite grandson is not only doing okae academically but also in love. love will keep us alive ahh that famous song by Eagles. what about a person that is terminally illed but devoid of love? what will keep them alive?
She called out to me before i left to visit her often. she told me that she has not much time left. its the first time she called out to me this way. her pleas cut like a knife across my heart. i wish i can share her pain or at least understand it. im afraid however i dont and maybe never will. this time i really realise something. morbid and upsetting this may sound, i somehow really feel her time will be up soon. i dread that day but i knew its inevitable. all humans die someday. i wish before she is gone, she will be comforted of the fact that out there in the world there are people who still cares for her. i know at least there is me.. as for me, the day of her passing will be the end of a chapter for me. i am happy in the fact that at least i was once touched by an angel..
posted by david at 1:48 AM
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