Memories
Date 04/12/2007
Time 1703 hours
16 more days and she will be leaving the shores of Singapore for home..while home to her have been singapore for the past 1.5 years, the time has unfortunately arrived.. memories of her are brief at best. its not too much to say despite the time she has here, we never properly treasure each other.
When i first met her, it was at the services marketing class. sitting opposite where i was located, she captured my undivided attention straight away. the class become pretty straight forward. coming to class was merely to look at her. i was contented just to admire her from afar. as the term came to an end, i bid my silent farewell to her, thinking i will never get to see her again.
I was wrong.
Following semester, Asia Pacific Business class. She strided into classs, resplendent even thou its a morning class. taking her seat beside mine, i was silently delighted. is that fate? when asked to divide into groups, no prizes for guessing who would be in mine.. when the prof announced she wish to change the grouping again, i went up to her after class. NO! you cant touch my group.. giving a host of reasons which ranges from the absurb (our group went for outings and is really a cohesive brunch) to the subtle (its bad for the morale for the class, if you keep persisting in modelling the groupings according to your whims and fancies), to the ultimatum (our group already found a company and started work on it. it wont be fair to tear us up now). i was adamant that my group be not cut up and she continue to be in the group. no way some prof irritating as they are, going to deprive me of that.
The semester breeze through. i pretended to get her msn for "project reason". funnily, she bit, hook and sinker. we began to chat online. from topics as interesting as have u eaten? to her school, why she stayed on for another sem etc etc..
Mustering enough courage, i dated her out. i succeeded! we went to km8. first drink i noticed her having, Gin tonic. brilliant. thats my least favourite drink. who cares? im satisfied with my cold kilkenny beer. surreal feeling. lying there on the deck chair with the girl that totally blew my senses away.. a case of overdramaticism? not really if you check with my friends. i held her hands briefly. why briefly? cos she pulled it away. duh.
Other dates, we went to changi brieftly for a drink, the sea breeze (not that it was a particularly breezy day) blew and the waves hums softly as it pelted against the boats and rocks..
We went to east coast park too. dinner at korean place. bbq meat. they asked.. is she ur gf? i smiled. i wished she is.. after dinner we went strolling on the beach.. sitting on a bench, i hugged her. nice fuzzy warm feeling.. awesome. i wont mind time stopping and come to a standstill. her smses start pouring in.. invites for her to party.. time to leave.. i curse silently at whoever that disturbed my moment of euphoria.
Newasiabar. was there with my company ppl. was already really drunk. yes, she decided to join us.. i half crawl, half muddled my way down the lift and garnered all my strength to inform the cab driver. "first to MOS cab pick up point, then back to NAB". soon she hopped into the cab. she was in this tiny beige denim skirt. CUTE.. kawaii.. at NAB, adrian and co start chanting.. "kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss..." their usual chant. this time was different.. i really WANTED to kiss her plus im drunk. unknown courage behest upon me. i kissed her. on the lips. not sure if she realised i was going to kiss her thus didnt avoided it. i have my kiss, the crowd had their wish. they cheered, my head was dizzy. whether it is from the numerous drinks i had, or the kiss i stolen, i dont know. i suspect thou, neither did i cared.. the night had to end somehow thou. i sent her back. the next day. i puked. massive hangover. memories of our tender first kiss lingers. hangover or not, i will forever keep those memories.. will i ever kiss her again?
We studied in the library really often. one period of time, we met daily. on this particular night, her sms and calls start flowing in. her facial expressions changed. something had happened at home. i queried. she told me in a chilling voice "its not your business. dont ask.." i was not about to pick a fight. i sensed something really wrong. i wont probed if she dont wish to share. i be merely standing around if she needs me. if she needs me, i be the first one down. just like when she was sick and i rushed to send her to see a doctor, just like if she is hungry, i be down in a flash. she cried outside the library and lashed at me to stay away.. i tried to console her. to no avail. imageries of her tearing pierced my heart.. as i trudged to the car, tears were welling up. her pain, my misery. she didnt know and its best she dont. should i add to her pain?
After that night, we stopped meetings. im not sure why. but she just drifted away.. long time after that we had some occasions we nearly met. once i sms her late, i cant meet cos i got work appointment. i lied. i went home. i cancelled the work appt too. i was sad and afraid. i was too afraid of meeting her. meeting her for a night than having to stay out from her life for the rest of my time, petrifies me.. she said before. "Your whole world revolves around yourself". she couldnt be more wrong.. if she had bothered to think carefully.. my world revolves around her..
Finally we met. my heart was beating fast. i was excited yet frightened. friends or even acquaintances who knew me, would realised that im funny, jovial and of course noisy. in front of her, im not the man i am with others.. she be the one talking and laughing and her words hypnotised me. her personality engulfed me. but mostly, i remembered her tears. i worried and fretted over saying the right thing. i had this uncanny ability to irritate and anger her. keeping my mouth shut is perhaps the best way to avoid that.
She commented. going out with you is a bother. you dont talk or respond. you are just too quiet. yeap i am, just that she didnt know why..
I asked for pictures to be taken together. she told me.. "i dont like to take pictures". however her facebook is filled to the brim with pictures. a guy stands out. i came to realise. he is hee soo. her bestie or so as she told me. i wanted a picture. i couldnt get a single one. others are getting it by the dozens. do i matter to her?
many a times she asked me to meet her friends. i wanted to. i swear i wanted to but when she starts to reveal the sheer amount of friends going, i panicked. i was worried how should i behaved, what should i wear etc. i chickened out. i took the easiest road. i back out. this increase her disappointment in me. i always claimed to love her and i keep "dipping" on her? how ironic right? do she knows that i wanted to see her so badly, but im afraid i be too much of a hassle and im also afraid of embarrashing myself.. would her friends take to a stranger kindly for invading the exchange clan?
She asked me before to meet her mom. i was over the moon. like Seriously! in singapore, meeting parents constitutes to acceptance. i was late. i had a family function. when i smsed her, there was no reply.. she was asleep and i ended disappointing her agian..
Her chinese tutor asked me. "is she your gf and did she learn mandarin for u?" i wishes so. but nah. the feelings strictly one sided. my side of course.. still i was happy. at the chance of meeting teacher. i rationalize that by meeting her teacher would meant that im slightly more impt to her now. right?
One night, i smsed her. asking her to be my gf. she told me she likes me too. i teared. i havent cried for girls after my breakup. for jannell lee, i cried yet again. her smses symbolised struggles. its not an easy period for her. she was about to go home from a place she had called home for the past 1 year plus. having a bf at this juncture would surely not helped things.
I promised to come over, to fight for things to happen and also reminded her that having a bf from the safe area is not bound for success. i am right. but having a distant bf is surely a recipe for disaster? but im a guy who fights for love. i love her and i would willingly fight and give up a limb to be with her. but it takes two to clap. am i insinuating she is a weakling? No. im perhaps just not that important to her.
Her birthday was creeping near. i had plans. my parents will be out of town. the whole place is my own. i wanted to call her friends over and had a party. despite numerous sms and calls, they didnt agree or even reply.. i was hopping mad inside.
Location of celebration was to be timbre. i bought along my present for her a watch in high spirits. i must pretend to forget her friends didnt bother to call me back for the outing. its her day! i must be good. why a watch for her present? watches is perhaps the only thing she lacks and i can afford. her watch had been with her for ages. a cute little disney watch which ancient age certainly shows when the watch strap broke one and had to be replaced. i was with her. i know. a watch would also allow her to wear it often and when she looked at the time, perhaps (just perhaps) she would count the time before we reunite and be together again.
That night was bad. her friends were saying she is a couple with HS. i sat at a corner, pretending to be nonchalent and continued to talk to a korean guy. but everything that was happening, i took a mental note.. it was gnawing at me.. after she unwrapped my present, he took out his pressie for her. a heart shaped pendant. surely a symbol of love. he bent over and put it on for her. the friends cheered. i smiled meekly. the watch strap for her was too long. she stretched out her hand for me to remove the watch and make the necessary adjustments. i tried but the f**king watch refused to unbuckle. i didnt want to force it open for fear of hurting her. the knight in silver armour, HS offered his help. bending over, he began to twist and turned and force the watch into submission. he won. the watch lost.
All through the night, he was lying on her shoulder, putting his hands around her, whispering into her ears etc. i so badly want to turn and leave. i couldnt right? its her day. its her 23rd bdae. i cant be so petty. i stayed on. however my patience or maganimity snapped at MOS. i excused myself and leave.
Sent her a sms to explain my departure. her reply was incoherent at best. she was drunk. if drunkness had caused her to accept his advances, i was still really disappointed that during the time at timbre when she is sober, she didnt tried to stop it.
Of course there are mitigating factors like they are exchange students and exchangees are usually more affectionate. i know. i am one before. but having the whole drama unfurled in your face is still too bitter a pill to swallow. she apologized to me. the apology is not needed. she is not my gf.. she doesnt need to be responsible to me.
i drove her in a flash. i had 7 beers and 1 vodka lime. way above the legal limit. first time i degenerate into an irrseponsible driver. last time too i hoped. she asked for time. she said she want to be with me. i refused her time. i wanted her to let HS know she is mine. they went off for a trip. i was stuck here. i am jealous and uncertain and fearful. do she really likes me??
She had always asked me for actions to back up my claims of liking her.. whats her actions beside the smses she sent me? i kept the smses she sent me. now its overflowing to a tune of more than 150. i dont keep smses. but i kept her's. she is different. she is my angel.
Now she is probably somewhere diving and having incredible fun. im about to go bintan tomorrow. its with a heavy heart, im leaving. i miss her so. but having come so far with precious memories with her albeit little and having a place in her heart no matter how tiny, is already more than i can ever dream or ask for.
I will go to canada willingly to unite with her. if she just gave me the go ahead and also accept me and know where i stand. after sunday night smses with her, i dont think that is likely to happen.
Maybe it is time for us to take a bow and leave. Fate while bringing us together, has not kept us together. like what she say, its a case of wrong countries, wrong timing.
I miss you Jannell.
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want to dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on
All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to doIs to bring out the best in me and in you
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause - Life is our cause
When I think of your kisses my mind see-saws
Do you see - do you see - do you see how you hurt me baby
So I hurt you too
Then we both get so blue.
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unravelingIt's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could beI want to have fun,
I want to shine like the sunI want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free
All I want by Joni Mitchell
Time 1703 hours
16 more days and she will be leaving the shores of Singapore for home..while home to her have been singapore for the past 1.5 years, the time has unfortunately arrived.. memories of her are brief at best. its not too much to say despite the time she has here, we never properly treasure each other.
When i first met her, it was at the services marketing class. sitting opposite where i was located, she captured my undivided attention straight away. the class become pretty straight forward. coming to class was merely to look at her. i was contented just to admire her from afar. as the term came to an end, i bid my silent farewell to her, thinking i will never get to see her again.
I was wrong.
Following semester, Asia Pacific Business class. She strided into classs, resplendent even thou its a morning class. taking her seat beside mine, i was silently delighted. is that fate? when asked to divide into groups, no prizes for guessing who would be in mine.. when the prof announced she wish to change the grouping again, i went up to her after class. NO! you cant touch my group.. giving a host of reasons which ranges from the absurb (our group went for outings and is really a cohesive brunch) to the subtle (its bad for the morale for the class, if you keep persisting in modelling the groupings according to your whims and fancies), to the ultimatum (our group already found a company and started work on it. it wont be fair to tear us up now). i was adamant that my group be not cut up and she continue to be in the group. no way some prof irritating as they are, going to deprive me of that.
The semester breeze through. i pretended to get her msn for "project reason". funnily, she bit, hook and sinker. we began to chat online. from topics as interesting as have u eaten? to her school, why she stayed on for another sem etc etc..
Mustering enough courage, i dated her out. i succeeded! we went to km8. first drink i noticed her having, Gin tonic. brilliant. thats my least favourite drink. who cares? im satisfied with my cold kilkenny beer. surreal feeling. lying there on the deck chair with the girl that totally blew my senses away.. a case of overdramaticism? not really if you check with my friends. i held her hands briefly. why briefly? cos she pulled it away. duh.
Other dates, we went to changi brieftly for a drink, the sea breeze (not that it was a particularly breezy day) blew and the waves hums softly as it pelted against the boats and rocks..
We went to east coast park too. dinner at korean place. bbq meat. they asked.. is she ur gf? i smiled. i wished she is.. after dinner we went strolling on the beach.. sitting on a bench, i hugged her. nice fuzzy warm feeling.. awesome. i wont mind time stopping and come to a standstill. her smses start pouring in.. invites for her to party.. time to leave.. i curse silently at whoever that disturbed my moment of euphoria.
Newasiabar. was there with my company ppl. was already really drunk. yes, she decided to join us.. i half crawl, half muddled my way down the lift and garnered all my strength to inform the cab driver. "first to MOS cab pick up point, then back to NAB". soon she hopped into the cab. she was in this tiny beige denim skirt. CUTE.. kawaii.. at NAB, adrian and co start chanting.. "kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss..." their usual chant. this time was different.. i really WANTED to kiss her plus im drunk. unknown courage behest upon me. i kissed her. on the lips. not sure if she realised i was going to kiss her thus didnt avoided it. i have my kiss, the crowd had their wish. they cheered, my head was dizzy. whether it is from the numerous drinks i had, or the kiss i stolen, i dont know. i suspect thou, neither did i cared.. the night had to end somehow thou. i sent her back. the next day. i puked. massive hangover. memories of our tender first kiss lingers. hangover or not, i will forever keep those memories.. will i ever kiss her again?
We studied in the library really often. one period of time, we met daily. on this particular night, her sms and calls start flowing in. her facial expressions changed. something had happened at home. i queried. she told me in a chilling voice "its not your business. dont ask.." i was not about to pick a fight. i sensed something really wrong. i wont probed if she dont wish to share. i be merely standing around if she needs me. if she needs me, i be the first one down. just like when she was sick and i rushed to send her to see a doctor, just like if she is hungry, i be down in a flash. she cried outside the library and lashed at me to stay away.. i tried to console her. to no avail. imageries of her tearing pierced my heart.. as i trudged to the car, tears were welling up. her pain, my misery. she didnt know and its best she dont. should i add to her pain?
After that night, we stopped meetings. im not sure why. but she just drifted away.. long time after that we had some occasions we nearly met. once i sms her late, i cant meet cos i got work appointment. i lied. i went home. i cancelled the work appt too. i was sad and afraid. i was too afraid of meeting her. meeting her for a night than having to stay out from her life for the rest of my time, petrifies me.. she said before. "Your whole world revolves around yourself". she couldnt be more wrong.. if she had bothered to think carefully.. my world revolves around her..
Finally we met. my heart was beating fast. i was excited yet frightened. friends or even acquaintances who knew me, would realised that im funny, jovial and of course noisy. in front of her, im not the man i am with others.. she be the one talking and laughing and her words hypnotised me. her personality engulfed me. but mostly, i remembered her tears. i worried and fretted over saying the right thing. i had this uncanny ability to irritate and anger her. keeping my mouth shut is perhaps the best way to avoid that.
She commented. going out with you is a bother. you dont talk or respond. you are just too quiet. yeap i am, just that she didnt know why..
I asked for pictures to be taken together. she told me.. "i dont like to take pictures". however her facebook is filled to the brim with pictures. a guy stands out. i came to realise. he is hee soo. her bestie or so as she told me. i wanted a picture. i couldnt get a single one. others are getting it by the dozens. do i matter to her?
many a times she asked me to meet her friends. i wanted to. i swear i wanted to but when she starts to reveal the sheer amount of friends going, i panicked. i was worried how should i behaved, what should i wear etc. i chickened out. i took the easiest road. i back out. this increase her disappointment in me. i always claimed to love her and i keep "dipping" on her? how ironic right? do she knows that i wanted to see her so badly, but im afraid i be too much of a hassle and im also afraid of embarrashing myself.. would her friends take to a stranger kindly for invading the exchange clan?
She asked me before to meet her mom. i was over the moon. like Seriously! in singapore, meeting parents constitutes to acceptance. i was late. i had a family function. when i smsed her, there was no reply.. she was asleep and i ended disappointing her agian..
Her chinese tutor asked me. "is she your gf and did she learn mandarin for u?" i wishes so. but nah. the feelings strictly one sided. my side of course.. still i was happy. at the chance of meeting teacher. i rationalize that by meeting her teacher would meant that im slightly more impt to her now. right?
One night, i smsed her. asking her to be my gf. she told me she likes me too. i teared. i havent cried for girls after my breakup. for jannell lee, i cried yet again. her smses symbolised struggles. its not an easy period for her. she was about to go home from a place she had called home for the past 1 year plus. having a bf at this juncture would surely not helped things.
I promised to come over, to fight for things to happen and also reminded her that having a bf from the safe area is not bound for success. i am right. but having a distant bf is surely a recipe for disaster? but im a guy who fights for love. i love her and i would willingly fight and give up a limb to be with her. but it takes two to clap. am i insinuating she is a weakling? No. im perhaps just not that important to her.
Her birthday was creeping near. i had plans. my parents will be out of town. the whole place is my own. i wanted to call her friends over and had a party. despite numerous sms and calls, they didnt agree or even reply.. i was hopping mad inside.
Location of celebration was to be timbre. i bought along my present for her a watch in high spirits. i must pretend to forget her friends didnt bother to call me back for the outing. its her day! i must be good. why a watch for her present? watches is perhaps the only thing she lacks and i can afford. her watch had been with her for ages. a cute little disney watch which ancient age certainly shows when the watch strap broke one and had to be replaced. i was with her. i know. a watch would also allow her to wear it often and when she looked at the time, perhaps (just perhaps) she would count the time before we reunite and be together again.
That night was bad. her friends were saying she is a couple with HS. i sat at a corner, pretending to be nonchalent and continued to talk to a korean guy. but everything that was happening, i took a mental note.. it was gnawing at me.. after she unwrapped my present, he took out his pressie for her. a heart shaped pendant. surely a symbol of love. he bent over and put it on for her. the friends cheered. i smiled meekly. the watch strap for her was too long. she stretched out her hand for me to remove the watch and make the necessary adjustments. i tried but the f**king watch refused to unbuckle. i didnt want to force it open for fear of hurting her. the knight in silver armour, HS offered his help. bending over, he began to twist and turned and force the watch into submission. he won. the watch lost.
All through the night, he was lying on her shoulder, putting his hands around her, whispering into her ears etc. i so badly want to turn and leave. i couldnt right? its her day. its her 23rd bdae. i cant be so petty. i stayed on. however my patience or maganimity snapped at MOS. i excused myself and leave.
Sent her a sms to explain my departure. her reply was incoherent at best. she was drunk. if drunkness had caused her to accept his advances, i was still really disappointed that during the time at timbre when she is sober, she didnt tried to stop it.
Of course there are mitigating factors like they are exchange students and exchangees are usually more affectionate. i know. i am one before. but having the whole drama unfurled in your face is still too bitter a pill to swallow. she apologized to me. the apology is not needed. she is not my gf.. she doesnt need to be responsible to me.
i drove her in a flash. i had 7 beers and 1 vodka lime. way above the legal limit. first time i degenerate into an irrseponsible driver. last time too i hoped. she asked for time. she said she want to be with me. i refused her time. i wanted her to let HS know she is mine. they went off for a trip. i was stuck here. i am jealous and uncertain and fearful. do she really likes me??
She had always asked me for actions to back up my claims of liking her.. whats her actions beside the smses she sent me? i kept the smses she sent me. now its overflowing to a tune of more than 150. i dont keep smses. but i kept her's. she is different. she is my angel.
Now she is probably somewhere diving and having incredible fun. im about to go bintan tomorrow. its with a heavy heart, im leaving. i miss her so. but having come so far with precious memories with her albeit little and having a place in her heart no matter how tiny, is already more than i can ever dream or ask for.
I will go to canada willingly to unite with her. if she just gave me the go ahead and also accept me and know where i stand. after sunday night smses with her, i dont think that is likely to happen.
Maybe it is time for us to take a bow and leave. Fate while bringing us together, has not kept us together. like what she say, its a case of wrong countries, wrong timing.
I miss you Jannell.
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some, I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want to dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on
All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to doIs to bring out the best in me and in you
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause - Life is our cause
When I think of your kisses my mind see-saws
Do you see - do you see - do you see how you hurt me baby
So I hurt you too
Then we both get so blue.
I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unravelingIt's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could beI want to have fun,
I want to shine like the sunI want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free
All I want by Joni Mitchell
posted by david at 1:02 AM
0 comments
