1007

That is the timing for my 2.4km run just now. Not too bad considering I havent been training for a long time. In fact of all the CHR staffs, I finished first =)

Today was a good day. After the run, the PE team and San min went to chomp chomp to feast and had a lot of laughters and good food. Good company and food do make my day. I was so fearful I will emerged last. Thankfully my pride is salvaged..

The only drawback to today's fun was during the morning cca survey session, one of the girls insinuate I'm biased. I'm quite unhappy that it has come from her considering I played her in the friendly game though she hasnt attend trainings for eons. But I have come to realise from past surveys done in MI, you cant please the whole world or students.

Thankfully the others are relatively supportive of me. =)

25/10/2009

It have ended. A whirlwind relationship that started so suddenly has ended equally abruptly. However the hurt seems manageable now and everyday seems to diminish the memories I have of her.

Watched (500) days of summer with urine and frog last night. Drew tons of parallel between the lead actor and myself with his notions and views towards love. Yes. We been through numerous in fact countless of breakups and dumping and be dumped by others. Each experience is however different and the lessons and hurt generated, varies consequently.

CHR volleyball played against Sembawang yesterday morning too. We were comprehensively beaten by Sembawang 1st 2 teams and only managed to salvage a glimmer of respect through beating their year 1s. Behind the tough façade I put on yesterday, I am genuinely proud of the girls and their behaviours.

They did not played the best they can. Do they even know what they are capable of? During the game, I ranted and shouted at almost everyone. Deep down, I could see the various improvements they have gained from the last game. To admit to them they played very well would be overstating it too. I have faith that these girls will continue to learn and progress as players and when they leave CHR for their next institution, they'll be able to be more competent players. Some might even start to win medals for themselves. For them to greet and cheer the Sembawang team after the game warms my heart too.

Perhaps this is why the volleyball girls will forever be close to my heart.

Day 4

Today is the 4th day I have not seen her. Think she should be in the states now. As I am marking the papers listening to countless love songs-mostly tragic ones, I start to pine for her and reminisces over our short and brief union. It was really good while it lasted.

Last night I slept well. It was due to the exhaustion of the MOE volleyball training. It was simply excruciating. However after the training, I was so spent that I am able to sleep through without missing her. Is that the only way that I can get myself to sleep without pining for her??

I wish to turn back time and permanently stay there. Of course I know its impossible so all I can do is push on and hope she will eventually turn back and return to my embrace. I miss her still.

Loneliness with heineken

Today is the first day I havent seen her for the whole day since we first met. As Im sipping her favourite beer and typing this entry, tears continue to streak down my face. My friends could not comprehend how is it I can grieve so much in such a short relationship especially since I barely know her..

I could not understand it myself but my tears is genuine and the hurt is piercing. The emptiness is frightening and the loneliness is suffocating. I dont know what I can do or say.

Her sorrow for her failed relationship haunts me too. As I witness the girl I love broke down, I felt helpless. I called that ex but he did not pick up the phone. Even if he did, what could I say or do? Deep down, I rather she be back happily with him then be empty with me. If there is someone to feel the pain, bear the suffering, I hope it is me.

She is everything I could ask for. Pretty, gentle and thoughtful. She said she is sorry for meeting at a wrong time. She need not say sorry. She make me realised I am capable of loving again.. or feeling hurt again. Once again, Joanna Chua dearie, I really really love u. Do take care of yourself. Today should be the 1 week we are together.

shattered yet again

I thought time has come for me to give up the name to my blog. Instead i found myself staring at the deeper end of abyss. when i thought i had found love, it left me once again shattering the hopes and dreams i have held on to.

She is a broken girl herself too. her fiance just left her for another girl and she seeks solace in my embrace which i readily offered. however despite the laughters, promises and cuddles we shared, she finally came to the realisation that im not him and his not me.

I know i was the rebound when i stepped right in. i didnt mind that so long i get her. figures out that i prolly could change her if i continues to shower her with love and care. showed her to my parents as she told me she is sure of her feelings for me.

Soon i realised, she is not so sure. i have to pick myself up from this again. while you have been through pain before, it doesnt mean that pain feels any lesser when you go through it again. i got home after leaving her at 5am. its 8 now. i couldnt sleep. imageries of her flood my head when i closes my eyes.

It have only been a 6days relationship. just like charmaine before her, it stings despite the short lifespan of it all. i do not want to love or be loved anymore. the pain that might comes from it is too unbearable for me. let me stay alone for the rest of my life. i do not need or want love anymore. i seriously dont.

Walk the path of kings

Stayed at home today as on MC. Finished watching Attack no.1 in 2 days. This is a show about a vball manga and it got me tearing many times not so much of the show, but more of my personal memories in sports and also my current vball girls.

I have never finished on a winning team before so to pretend that I know the meaning or feeling of winning would simply be pretentious. However in every single game I've ever played, I know I have given my all. I really regretted not pushing myself or my teammates to the fullest when I played in tournaments. Now when I'm way past the tournament age, I truly felt panges of what could have been if we have tried harder.

The feelings of losing is never pleasant thus I could not understand why people would say its okae if you lose so long you have tried. Every defeat I went through, the sensation still stings. While time and the opportunity of the next game would go a long way in dampening the pain, it could not totally eradicate it especially if you revisit the memories from time to time.

My current vball girls are branded as no-hopers for glory. They have always floundered at tournaments and the cca is now relegated to that of a recrea cca meaning no more competitions. Despite that, they still come for trainings and go through the drills diligently. Inside some of the players, I could sense a real burning desire to excel and compete.

As I watch the serial, I draw numerous parallels between the frictional fujimi team and chr vball girls. When training resumes, I would now change the strategies of my trainings. Hopefully they would do enough over the next few months to impress the in-charge, that they are worthy to represent the school.

I will not abandon them or give up on them and I hope they are ready for the challenge. Walk the path of kings.