100th entree

This is the 100th entree for my blog. how times truly swept before you without warning, signs or remorse. time and tide waits for no name. how apt. how tragically true. time truly does change alot of things. i just got back from Al's bar. its a place i dont usually frequent but went twice in the last 3 days. why? they are closing down and i knew the owner alan. he deserves all our respect. he set up this pub and is in charge of opening and closing it each day except on sundays. the thing is he works in the ship yard in the day too and we all know that its not a simple task. he perserve although the bar is not making money but he has been in this line for a long long time. letting go isnt simple. however in the end he let it go. today is his final day. its a sad day and i can almost feel his pining for the place. tragic.

I started this blog as something for my friends to read while im away in poland. now that chapter of my life is closed though i wish dearly otherwise. but its close.. i deleted all her smses. have been keeping it for a long time. decides that its time to let it go.. no point aniwae. sick now and has family day outing at ubin later. hopefully i be fine and it turns out fun..

her

My heart is feeling this sharp piecing sensation that surge through my body.. My head is throbbing with pain too.. i want to get away from these all.. everyday i question myself.. do she likes me? she is pissed at me as she felt that the whole world only revolves around me.. i think she is wrong. if she is sharp enough, my world actually revolves around her cos she is my world and my world is actually her..

This i hope is another of my many crushes i have had. becos it wont be that pain. i question my ability to love. why do i fall in love so readily, so easily? cos i yearned to be love.. i wish to wake up everyday noting that someone out there loves u too.. it is that hard. it is so painful to keep pining for someone. someone who told u she likes u but is simply too busy for u. u sit back and ponder.. could you have make time for someone u like?? most of you would say yes. well.. most of you aint canadian.

There is this widening gap between us. i fear her cos i dont know what i must do to be with her to make her less mad at me and to open her heart to me. i want to be in her circle of trust. i think its not her fault that we cant communicate. in the first place, we aint similar. forged from years of residence in a nation that is more than 24 hours apart. we are human beings, but we are different. so similar yet so different.. i used to think love will bridge that. well i still hold that im right on that count. the hardest act is.. how do u make her love u when u r usually pissing her mad with ur actions??

I always wonder why carrot loves cx so much? i mean this guy aso got no lack of suitors.. he aint too close to cx, didnt hang around her much or talk to her much.. suddenly i realise how silly i have been. why do i crave for jannell so much? beats me.. love isnt rational too.. in spite of all these problems and headaches and the fact that we wont likely be together, she is still the one for me.. at least till a better one comes along.

missing her.

musings 2

Its been awhile since i blog. painfully there is little to update on my life except the common topics which seem to be ever present in my entrys. even im getting bored listening to my own incessant whinings and complaints. i do wish to type happier stuffs down to give the feel of this blog a more complete one. surely my life is not completely fabricated out of tears, bordom, drinks and pining for love? or is it not?

I'm doing OK in work. not the top agent around but respectable. its becoming a routine to sleep till 10+ and go office in the afternoon thou beng would prefers i reach in the morning. follow by which will likely be some appointments and drinkings.

This brings to me the topic on drinking. i been spending too much time and money on booze. i know it and recognize its detrimental to both my physique, mental or financial well being. just read an article not too long back on jap researchers finding out that taking a "liver holiday" which roughly means that if you take a break for a few days without a drop of alcohol after some hard drinking, the risk of u contacting alcohol related diseases are down by a huge chunk. therefore im taking a liver holiday. last night for eg, i didnt touch a drop of alcohol while beng and the rest were drinking.

Was thinking of going shopping later. i do need more shirts than the ones i currently have. there are loads of stuffs i wana get but im unsure whether to save it for GSS or just get it now. i think im likely to buy only 2 more shirts to tide things over while waiting for the sale to take shape. honestly while im getting a stable income now, it seems that if im not careful with my spending, things will be like before when i spend incessantly and dont save a dime. that must stop. there is a sudden urge now to buy a watch or that bag she is eyeing for for her. i dunno should i do it. its perplexing to think about that.

We havent met in more than 2 weeks. seems that she is always busy with studies or friends. while its understandable that she would be busy sending her exchange friends off after some crazy and fun time they spent together, i cant help but lament whether its too hard to cede a portion of the time for me. we used to be inseperable. now we just seem to be unable to even see each other. i kept her msgs in my hp and take it out from time to time to look at. no pics of us to look at as she said she hates to take pics but looking at her facebook reveals tons of pics with her frens and other guys while i cant even get 1. she said she still like me (she guess) but that tingling sensation i think is dissipating all the time for her. i still feels alot for her for reasons i can no longer or wish to comprehend.. in my bordom, i did checks on canada, calgary, her university, way of life etc etc. dumb and silly. illogical and stupid. however i know that all these things im doing is unlikely to bear fruits. maybe she will meet me again. but that might be after all her friends are gone and she is feeling bored. can i stand playing not merely 2nd fiddle but the 103th 253th choice? i dont know.. i still miss her and is contriving on a plan to surprise her and make her mine. can it be done? deep down i know and its not a pleasant one.

Im feeling ok. soon i might go out and have "fun" and down shots and glasses of alcohol. then the world will stop looking as ugly and you will start to reminisce lesser and pine lesser. there will be a heighten sense of euphoria while temporary serves as a much needed respite from those bug bears plaguing u. be it fear of exam failure, to missing ur old friends, to work related issues or to missing her.. these will for that moment in time takes a back seat while i start to feel strong and mighty again. "fun" is done with inverted comma because rationally speaking, it should be term escapism. i am constantly trying to escape since my break up with charmaine. not that i still like her however i do wonder whats wrong with my life. there seems to be a huge void in the heart that nothing has filled yet. it is depressing to say the least.

The last time i felt this way, this lousy, i went for a getaway. its good to recharge your mind and body. that is not the true and right solution. what needs to be done is i find my own happiness again. but how? the question lingers.

in school at 4.15am

It reads 4.15am on the clock and im still in school. strangly im still pretty energized for this timing. my exams are on sat and i remain unmotivated. geesh.. when you know u got 4 months of break (minusing work time) ahead of u, how can u even stay motivated? i know its the final sprint, the last hurdle but yet..

Just had a chat with greta. great feelings.. sana told me she be coming over to spore soon. thats wonderful tidings. i miss them so much. be pretty fun to bring sana around and aso intro her that special canuck of mine.. both from the same town and uni but dont know each other.. apparantly their uni is school to 30000 undergrads. thats like 6 SMUs to put in perspective.

Im not going to china for internship anymore. guess QQ is none the please with it. i do feel guilty in some sense but she has to understand that the internship is for her own future. i shdnt play a part in the decision making process. guess i will make the trip with her to gz as a form of saying sorry and also touring around abit. should be fun to see peipei and robin will be going to gz with his parents around that time. be nice to catch up. lets see how.

1 hour plus more to go before the train starts to run. i have to stay strong.. i will.. a long sleep awaits me when i get home anyway.

missing her.

Disturbing pictures

A warning.. the following pictures might cause distress and discomfort to some readers. if on an empty stomach, please dont read further. this past year, i have been drinking alot. as a result i have been mixing around with drunkards and more drunkards. the below exposes those caught drunk under my trusted N73 and sony p10.

Victim no 1: Lee Ruifang

Amount of alcohol to reach this level: Approx 3 beers, some whisky, 2 kahlua milk, some weird concortion of kahlua, barcadi, whisky, diet coke and baileys i think..

Location: Carrot's place

Drunk level: 9/10

Victim no 2: Carrot

Amount of alcohol to reach this level: maybe 6 mugs of beer plus 2 wines

Location: Detention class at Valley point

Drunk level: 8.5/10 (he will say its because his sleepy)

Victim no 3 and 4: John and stray dog

Amount of alcohol to reach this level: probably 0.7 litres of vodka plus 2 pure spirit (96% alcohol) for John and maybe 3 vodka for dog

Location: Skiing resort in Poland

Drunk level: 10/10 for both!

Victim no 5 and 6: Tominator and rikard

Amount of alcohol to reach this level: You wont want to know.. maybe 1 litre of concoction of vodka, wine and coke (the cheapest ones available) and 4 beers each

Location: my room in poland (guy in pink is my flatmate)

Drunk level: 9/10 (at the time of picture)