Dreams

Have you ever dream? when u were young, what did you dream of becoming? how did you envisage your life unfolding? do you dream that you become a pop star with thousands of ardent fans clamouring for your attention or a suit up executive wielding enormous powers with thousands of subordinates craning their necks to catch your instructions clearly? or be a successful entrepreneur earning money by the buckets? a lawyer or police to fight for righteous and just?

I had a simpler dream when young. i always wanted a simple, mundane life. i remember wanting to be a firefighter so badly.. the cascading down the pole, the maddening dash to the truck, the heroic act of dashing into a flaming building to rescue the victims, the beads of sweat forming on your forehead, the glory.. it appeals to me. i rem sworing it to be my occupation of choice in future.

All i ever wanted truly is a happy family. a home to return to and a wife to be fussing over. i had imagined a truly blissful life. with a kid or two in tow and a cute little pup fighting for affections, we could all go for one of those walks by the sea. annual holidays to break the monotony, a satisfactory job, a normal japanese sedan and a cosy flat as home. thats all i ever wanted.

Now as i matured and aged, i start to see things differently. i want rich and fame. power and glory. maybe this is due to the fact that, my dreams all along, is fading out from my reach. i dream of being happy.

reflection

Life had been pretty hectic for the past few weeks.. work, studies and lately relationship and friends been taking a toll on me. the eye bags in my eyes seem to morph into a glandula and my hair been turning white at an amazing pace.. am i whining? on the contrary im not..

This is a period when hard work is neccesitate due to the urge to do well. soon this will be over.. i will soon break free from the safe cacoon of the education haven and thread my first steps in the working world. though i have been working for ages, those are mainly menial and part time jobs that are best left unmentioned.

I have a problem. i like this particular girl whom i dont think i should be liking, rationally. but when is love ever rational? despite my best attempt to sound impartial and strong and determined in my previous posts trumpeting my stand of career first and love takes a back seat, WHEN am i ever rational?? this girl likes me too.. we been going out alot. supper, lunch, dinner, movie, strolling at bontanic garden, studying together, msn, phone chat, sms etc, we are doing it all.. why the troubled outlook?? it is because she isnt sporean. she is an exchange student in spore and will be returning home.. home is canada.. an alienated place. a first world nation. a vast country and ultimately, her home.. i find myself asking this question (and perhaps jumping the gun too early by doing so). will i unroot myself and leave everyone and everything which i stand for behind for love? if u asked me in the past, it would be a resounding yes.. now?? im not sure.. im troubled.. im troubled cos i genuinely wants to be with her.. bless me..

My friends are having problems too. just last night as i was sitting in the car chatting with a close buddy of mine, he told me his life story.. i can see tears welling in his eyes as he struggled to keep check on his emotions.. my eyes were stinging too.. at that point (and even now as im furiously chomping at the keyboard) i so badly want to give him jus a hug and told him everything is fine though i know its not. i didnt give him a hug nor give him a pat on his shoulder. i held strong. not cos im strong but i know two weak doesnt make a strong. his a strong lad but i think there are too many things hinging on his shoulder.. another dear buddy of mine i can see the same soul-less eyes.. he goes to a particular place every day without fail. why? i see it as a place he frequent as it is a nirvana for him. no one knew his past, his respected and love there, under the thumping music, the booze and his exploits in pool make him temporarily detached from his troubles. yet behind the seemingly impenetrable facade he puts on, i see a jaded, tortured being.. he has aged.. the relentless problems and difficulties both these friends of mine had encounted can break a lesser man. im proud of their valliance but yet i feel for them. i cant do much.. except probably stay strong and rational. i will stay strong. for those 2 friends who might be reading this post, heed this.. whenever u feel like breaking, do note that the rainbow is perhaps just the corner. let those who are dear to u but have fallen rest. for they will never want to know their precious is suffering and in pain. be an example for all to follow because someday, we will all reunite again and that will be the time, where union is for eternity.

Im going for an internship soon. yet i really hope not to.. i want to stay and see her more and be with her more and thus know whether we have a future together. a future, our future. furthermore my work is seriously impeded with my absence. it will be hard to hit management level if i leave. to compound my woes, i might be forced to leave due to some contractual problems. it is not so easy. time is tight. i can insist on being a jerk by leaving but its going to strain my friendship with a friend who is going with me and get me alot of flakes from the school officer. this is really a predicament i can do without.

How the next few weeks pan out will affect me directly for a long time to come. i pray for strength and for luck to get an answer i so desired and a blissful ending that will pleased everyone. hands clasped firm, i pray for love.

massacre in NAB

Round 1

It started with just one bottle.. but we never stop at just one.. soon, the 2nd bottle came out.. arghh.. interesting.. getting there.. the intoxication starts to set in.. head start to swirl.. the 2nd bottle began to empty out. is that enough? only 3 guys are really drinking now.. YF started to get the kick. he smell blood and goes in for the kill. i obliged. the 3rd bottle came out.. NOW im really feeling the effect. hold on hold on.. i got round two being planned. newasiabar is next. i started grasping for air.. suck in my chest as the music began to fade morphing my soul and head into a state of euphoria.

Round 2

Went over to newasiabar with jimmy and spencer.. goody goody.. the view was splendid.. as we sat on the chair, the view was breathtaking... dwarfing over all other structures, this view will take some beating.. at that point, i am still clueless about the actual alcohol level swirling in my blood stream. i rationalise. should be fine.. im fine.. no prob..

Stroll over to adrian peh and exchange pleasanties.. when that is over, its time to duel. loser to put ice inside undies. i lost. and soon i began to experience an exhilarating sensation of chilled privies.. how cute.

Got a message from Jannell. she is free to meet. i half walk, half stumble to find a cab. went to mos to bring her there.. went back to NAB and suddenly the view is so much better. with ur fantasy girl by your side and a beer in hand, this is great stuff. in Borat voice "Niceeee". played the game again with adrian, beng and eric pong. loser drink 1 waterfall.

AGAIN i lost.. fuck. waterfall is going to kill me.. i tried to fade into the background.. not working.. with my huge head and ballooning frame, i stick out like a sore thumb.. sitting duck. shit. before i trudge my soul and body to recieve my fate, i kiss Jannell at the egging from adrian.. "very niceeeeee.." im in estacy..

Soon im jork back to reality.. loser MUST drink.. fine.. i suck in my stomach, nonchalently walk over to the bar with the rest cheering.. with jannell looking on, i told myself.. "You can do it!! impossibility is nothing!" when the bottle burst into a canopy of flame and cascade into the glass below, i panicked.. start to plead for mercy.. pride can be redeem another time.. a hero knows when to retreat.. end result?? i drink.. FUCK!! lost of face and still drink..

After the last drop of sembuca resides, i PUKED! im aghast!! puke!! infront of adrian peh and beng?? this is embarrashing... WORSE?? puked with jannell by my side.. thats a tragic if you ask me.. no one said anything.. think they know im gone. WORST?? i blew $300... not so nice..

There was too many ppl so i cant share cab. walk with jannell to her hostel but halfway, think she recognised the fact im having difficulties walking in a straight line unaided.. relent and we took a cab.

Aftermath

What i like:
- meeting all my favourite buddies like yf, spens, jimmy, chris, fat, beng and all
- NAB's members area
- Seeing jannell

What i love:
- holding the above mentioned girl's hand (niceeeeee)
- kissing her for 2 seconds (very niceeeee)
- having her by my side

What i dont like:
- waterfall
- johnny walker n chivas neat..
- my dry eyes
- puking

What i absolutely abhor:
- spending $300
- lots of johnny walker and chivas neat..
- puking in the PRESENCE of jannell
- waterfall when you are almost gone
- watching her walk back and take the lonely ride back..
-

in class n sleepy

After lunch with cx and carrot @ a pretty cool jap restaurant, i went for a movie with carrot.. watched "The letters from iwo jima". the horrors of war was strikingly depicted as the full helplessness of the soldiers were shown. given up by their compatriots, their country and hunted by their enemies YET bounded by duty and pride, they fight on. that is courage and bravery.. or is that classic stupidity??

After that went to Ice cold beer with the usual click. was drinking and having fun when i decided to chat up a girl. quite cute and i got her number too. finally i know why is she cute... cos she is young.. too young in fact but thats all right. i dont intend to carry on anything.. after that we went to newton circus for food.. there were too much food and i nearly flipped with all the food and beer straining to break free from my jeans. dieting and slimming progs MUST continue..

Now im in the midst of a lesson. damn boring and sleepy.. the zzz demon beckons.. but today is no easy day.. i got meetings and gym till 10pm minimum.. sad right? work and school add together is a bitch but i will perserve. if you wana be successful, something must go. if it is sleep, then let it be.

I think i need a massage soon.. body feeling very stiff.. my eye bags are heavy and visible too.. the passage of time.. arghh.. i shall not rest. as beng said b4, dead men sleep forever.. i will have all my sleep in times to come.. in the meanwhile, its relentless charge to the top and come what may, nothing is going to stop me.

Side note: there is this cute girl in my class now.. i will try get her number.. soon.

recent developments of me..

Me proudly holding up the "TOP GRADUATE" award from ITC

Beng from Manulife and me (i hate standing beside him.. look at the size of my head..)

Ok im back.. so what have i been up to the past few months that im away... hmmmm... plenty.. alot of changes plus alot more constants.. lets look through the list..

Constants
- im still in insurance
- im still single
- im still flabby
- im still poor
- im still an undergrad
- im still drinking
- i still have a big head

Changes
- im no longer with Prudential (with Manulife now)
- im no longer hunting for gfs (but flings are welcome)
- i can no longer fit into my pants and shirts (unless under severe duress n uncomfort)
- i will be financially stable soon
- im drinking WAY more
- im 50% undergrad; 50% working

Thats mostly sum up all the changes i experienced. its been really really busy for me especially lately. trying to juggle work and school is NO joke especially during a crucial part like now when project deadlines are creeping near and exams are drawing close. still i have to work. if i cant be the top 15% performers in smu, the other way i can enrich myself is thru work experience. thus i shall give my all for this change of environment.

This period of time i realise that girls are dispensable in my life. it could be that im experiencing love drought for the longest time in my life (after sec 4), it could be i found a goal to strive for that is work, it could be that the girls i met are hardly damn interesting.. whatever the reason is, i have gotten girls out of my system. i still need them but i am not really looking at it now.. WORK come first and then studies, family etc etc. sounds strange coming from me huh? i believe that if a guy is successful and rich, girls will follow. many had criticize my simplistic thinking and warn me over the fact such girls are mere opportunists who crave for someone to leech on. i beg to differ. since beginning of time, guys seek girls who are pretty and shapely while girls simply crave for guys who can afford to take care of the family (i.e. financially). so i see nothing wrong in that.

Terence is my new mgr. this bugger had made a profound impact in my life. he said i remind him when he was young. i beg to differ. he is 100% beng as the pic below will show.. but somehow if i am really like him, i wont mind too.. he is such a self-assured guy.. as im typing self assured, im inclined to put arrogant in.. but this guy is a gem. he is like those old fashion gangsters albeit ang mo pai one.. if u need help, get him. his close friend cum client cum former superior told me that Ter is a guy if u ever need help, u will see him in 15mins. i agree. this guy is someone i will willingly fight with hand in hand. of cos it doesnt help since his a big carrot always spurlging on drinks.. least he read this unlikely it may be, i wana say i dint rip him off. i always pay for other things like cab, food or "waterfalls". the last one is my fault cos i always challenge him to drink. all in all, he is a guy that impact me alot now.. without him to join us for drinking is always boring..

My coming aims for the year... do FANTASTICALLY well in my work while maintaining a GPA 3 for my studies or better. get back in shape since i dont like roundish shape.. be financially wealthy and get a car before my 27th birthday next year.. wish me luck and watch me soar..

Back

OK Im back.. havent been blogging for eons.. for those who know why or think they know why, keep it as that. secret between us.. our very own personal circle of trust. BUT im back.. lots to update, lots to blog about..

Its more than a year since i touched down at Warsaw with Bartek and Kuba welcoming me at the airport. Huge snowfall, bartek small but fast moving car, kuba's 1k winter jacket.. arghhh... pleasant memories... happy time.. Im going home now from class. BUT i will blog tonite or later. to anyone who still bother to make periodic checks on my blog, YES im back and my world is no longer cold and dark. =)