AFPA
I have had feedbacks from some of my blog readers.. they seem to unanimously agree i should stick to writing comedies and shun away from tragedic tales. i was shocked.. how on earth could they expect a guy who is fast earning a reputation from being a failure in love to excel in writing about hilarious accounts? would i have so much happy stuffs to blog about? then it hits me and suddenly the picture becomes clearer and less hazy. they did NOT say they want me to blog about happy incidents. they want me to pen about FUNNY incidents..
So tell me what constitutes good ol' funny incidents? these elements must be present. first, they must be a good plot. in layman terms, there must be a flow and twists in the story are encouraged. second, they must be a woman on board. uh huh.. they seems to believe my whole world is revolving around the female gender. technically speaking however, they are not wrong in stating that. tsk. third, there must be a victim and in almost ALL cases, that victim would be yours truly- ME! fourth, the more embarrashed, upset, hurt, jilted etc etc i felt, the better. thats called something like "put stones in the well" or just luo jing xia shi.. so there u have it. the necessary ingredients to generate laughter abeit at my expenses..
I happened to have this unfortunate and most shambolic incident cursed on me just now. to urine, it was funny.. it tickles her funny bones but torment my soul.. what happened??
It was a sunny and bright day. today is Singapore's national day. at the inquest of urine, i followed her to watch the parade. i couldnt forget my first parade. i found my first gf.. i was so touched by the singing of anthems, something stirred in my heart and i remembered being so proud at being singaporean for 3 full hours. to cut it short, that was a perfect parade then. i had high hopes that this time round, it will be good too. to cut things short, it didnt. and this particular incident contribute to no small part in that..
The door was about to close. The bus was choke full of passengers but typically Singaporeans' behaviour dictate that at that sudden moment, someone had to make a dash for it and hell yah.. i was right.
An old couple boarded the bus. male suspect-- around 60 years in age. old, tasteless(later i shall explain why) and horny. female suspect-- chinese(china chinese), 40 oddish in age, fat and repulsively ugly. hold your swearings at me for being superficial. i betcha will symphatise me and send me your condolences later.
The bus was packed to the seams. it was really uncomfortable. somehow something doesnt feels right but i just cant pin point what. uh har.... suddenly i realise what was troubling me.. its that fat lady behind me(female character). she was like grindling her humongous arse at my thigh area(ME as victim). conciously or maybe the bus was too packed caused her to perform this heidous act on an innocent boy(me again).
I was really really uncomfortable.. twisting and jostling for a better (further away from her) space, i turned around and was back facing her. huge mistake. this seems to stir and galvanise her into actions. packing every ounce of fats and calories into her that huge arse, she was literally backing into me, her arse against my back. yuckz~
As the bus roars ahead, she started to gyrate against my back. i was in shock. so this is how you feel when you are violated.. i struggled to keep my tears in check as the gravity and magnitute of the situation unfolds.. i was being molested in the freaking bus by a fat, ugly, obnoxious, ugly, fat, replusive cheena chinese AUNTIE! in the presence of everyone (including the old blind uncle who has prolly "bao" her. this explains why he is blind as im pretty certain that those sweet young things in vietnam are gazillion times more appealing than the one he was carressing and trying to kiss! fuck! but oh well.. niche product for niche market so i shall not question his taste.
there was a particular turn. it was not too sharp and the bus was NOT travelling at break neck speed.. this fat, ugly, replusive, obnoxious, heidous auntie conveniently felt that the bus was too fast and shaky for her to remain still. like a huge ball of fats, she proceeded to bump into me continuously for maybe 30 seconds. oh those sceptics out there may question, how tough can that 30 seconds be? its mightily long! every second was inching forward at a sub-sub micro second rate and i nearly, very nearly puked.
Urine was either oblivious to my misfortune or she was just to smug and gloating over it silently. she even asked whether i can stop turning cos she doesnt want to smell my arm pits. as if she can smell anything bad especially since i already sprayed oddles of Hugo Boss Emotions on me.. damn.. it could have being that fat ugly lady smell.. must be!
Before i proceed, i must hasten to add.. i got nothing against fat people. in fact i love them as they give me confidence in myself so NOPE i am not AFPA(Anti Fat People Association) member. nor am i against old couples trying to kiss in public. i might consider them soooo sweet if they had just kiss in the park away from my view. i am definitely not against china gers.. some are drop dead cute (eg. zhang zi yi) and nice (eg. one former classmate of mine in TP). okae maybe i dun really like those with armpit hairs.. but im OKAE with it if they dont let me see it. that prolly keep them warm in winter anyway and i am not against grindling each other.. i do this in clubs with girls too and yeap i do enjoyed that.. BUT BUT BUT.. I AM TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY 100% AGAINST FAT, UGLY, OBNOXIOUS, OLD CHINA AUNTIE GRINDLING ME!!!
Ok my stand had been adequately clarified i hope. finally i can see utopia. i can see light. the bus came to a halt and the door opened.. the old uncle tried to hug her before letting her go as if afraid some knights in shinning armour will come and take her prize possession away. he can keep her im sure.. but then again, she can keep him too.. good combi.
I garner my remaining strength and walk out from the bus. tears was beckoning in the horizon as i contemplate my fate of being violated by someone like her.. shall i report this to police? i am too shy for that.. so all i can do is to hung my head in shame and check my emotions even though i am the victim here. sigh.. tragic..
So tell me what constitutes good ol' funny incidents? these elements must be present. first, they must be a good plot. in layman terms, there must be a flow and twists in the story are encouraged. second, they must be a woman on board. uh huh.. they seems to believe my whole world is revolving around the female gender. technically speaking however, they are not wrong in stating that. tsk. third, there must be a victim and in almost ALL cases, that victim would be yours truly- ME! fourth, the more embarrashed, upset, hurt, jilted etc etc i felt, the better. thats called something like "put stones in the well" or just luo jing xia shi.. so there u have it. the necessary ingredients to generate laughter abeit at my expenses..
I happened to have this unfortunate and most shambolic incident cursed on me just now. to urine, it was funny.. it tickles her funny bones but torment my soul.. what happened??
It was a sunny and bright day. today is Singapore's national day. at the inquest of urine, i followed her to watch the parade. i couldnt forget my first parade. i found my first gf.. i was so touched by the singing of anthems, something stirred in my heart and i remembered being so proud at being singaporean for 3 full hours. to cut it short, that was a perfect parade then. i had high hopes that this time round, it will be good too. to cut things short, it didnt. and this particular incident contribute to no small part in that..
The door was about to close. The bus was choke full of passengers but typically Singaporeans' behaviour dictate that at that sudden moment, someone had to make a dash for it and hell yah.. i was right.
An old couple boarded the bus. male suspect-- around 60 years in age. old, tasteless(later i shall explain why) and horny. female suspect-- chinese(china chinese), 40 oddish in age, fat and repulsively ugly. hold your swearings at me for being superficial. i betcha will symphatise me and send me your condolences later.
The bus was packed to the seams. it was really uncomfortable. somehow something doesnt feels right but i just cant pin point what. uh har.... suddenly i realise what was troubling me.. its that fat lady behind me(female character). she was like grindling her humongous arse at my thigh area(ME as victim). conciously or maybe the bus was too packed caused her to perform this heidous act on an innocent boy(me again).
I was really really uncomfortable.. twisting and jostling for a better (further away from her) space, i turned around and was back facing her. huge mistake. this seems to stir and galvanise her into actions. packing every ounce of fats and calories into her that huge arse, she was literally backing into me, her arse against my back. yuckz~
As the bus roars ahead, she started to gyrate against my back. i was in shock. so this is how you feel when you are violated.. i struggled to keep my tears in check as the gravity and magnitute of the situation unfolds.. i was being molested in the freaking bus by a fat, ugly, obnoxious, ugly, fat, replusive cheena chinese AUNTIE! in the presence of everyone (including the old blind uncle who has prolly "bao" her. this explains why he is blind as im pretty certain that those sweet young things in vietnam are gazillion times more appealing than the one he was carressing and trying to kiss! fuck! but oh well.. niche product for niche market so i shall not question his taste.
there was a particular turn. it was not too sharp and the bus was NOT travelling at break neck speed.. this fat, ugly, replusive, obnoxious, heidous auntie conveniently felt that the bus was too fast and shaky for her to remain still. like a huge ball of fats, she proceeded to bump into me continuously for maybe 30 seconds. oh those sceptics out there may question, how tough can that 30 seconds be? its mightily long! every second was inching forward at a sub-sub micro second rate and i nearly, very nearly puked.
Urine was either oblivious to my misfortune or she was just to smug and gloating over it silently. she even asked whether i can stop turning cos she doesnt want to smell my arm pits. as if she can smell anything bad especially since i already sprayed oddles of Hugo Boss Emotions on me.. damn.. it could have being that fat ugly lady smell.. must be!
Before i proceed, i must hasten to add.. i got nothing against fat people. in fact i love them as they give me confidence in myself so NOPE i am not AFPA(Anti Fat People Association) member. nor am i against old couples trying to kiss in public. i might consider them soooo sweet if they had just kiss in the park away from my view. i am definitely not against china gers.. some are drop dead cute (eg. zhang zi yi) and nice (eg. one former classmate of mine in TP). okae maybe i dun really like those with armpit hairs.. but im OKAE with it if they dont let me see it. that prolly keep them warm in winter anyway and i am not against grindling each other.. i do this in clubs with girls too and yeap i do enjoyed that.. BUT BUT BUT.. I AM TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY 100% AGAINST FAT, UGLY, OBNOXIOUS, OLD CHINA AUNTIE GRINDLING ME!!!
Ok my stand had been adequately clarified i hope. finally i can see utopia. i can see light. the bus came to a halt and the door opened.. the old uncle tried to hug her before letting her go as if afraid some knights in shinning armour will come and take her prize possession away. he can keep her im sure.. but then again, she can keep him too.. good combi.
I garner my remaining strength and walk out from the bus. tears was beckoning in the horizon as i contemplate my fate of being violated by someone like her.. shall i report this to police? i am too shy for that.. so all i can do is to hung my head in shame and check my emotions even though i am the victim here. sigh.. tragic..
posted by david at 8:57 AM
4 Comments:
great to read ur blog again. Finally something to liven my spirits after events recently. Glad tat we managed to bury the hatchet and still be good frenz! cheers dude! carry on blog! itz like my daily medicine now! ever touching ever friendly! Cool
"at the inquest of urine, i followed her to watch the parade."
whey... i've got objections with the above statement.
fat>>> what events sia.. u wana fight for most ke-lian award si bo?? hahaa. okae. u win. i dont wana win that.
urine>> its MY blog and u can have no objections. i can write whatever i want. i can even say that u like me b4.. hahaa and best part of it?? u cant stop me.. whee..
yawn....
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