My life

together 12/2/09

2010-02-13T18:19:00.000-08:00

12th of Feb is a very happy day for me. I finally got to win TY's heart and we are officially together. Happy while I am, i cant help feeling insecure over this relationship.

The more you wanted someone, the more worried you are at failure. Just like me, she has a history of not being able to commit. Its not her fault as she is merely searching for the right one which I hope myself to be.

She told her family and friends about our status. While out the other night with the aussies, she held my hands in from of wil and roy. I feel and hope this is a sign of affirmation and that she is not shy in letting others know about our status. She asked for a couple ring to be worn and that further reassured me. However i do not know why but the lingering feeling that we wont last persist.

Last night she asked me about my past. Having a less than stellar past, I was apprehensive about telling her. She continue probing so I told her. I understated a few issues while trying to remain as truthful as possible. I am so afraid of losing her.

When i was not with her, i was upset and very disappointed. Now that we are finally together, i just fear that it will not last. If this is not going to work out again, i will be a completely tornt man. I will strive my hardest to make this work and hopefully we will remain happily ever after.

Happy vday ty.

vietnam trip

2009-12-17T21:11:00.000-08:00

My trip in Vietnam has almost grind to an end. Now im merely 2 days away from home. Didnt spent a lot of time here. Only for 8 days all in all but its after all my maiden trip alone overseas.

It was boring at times but also enabled me to meet some new friends especially the locals. HCM is bewildering at first, with its high pitch language and never ending moto bikes. I got by simply by looking like a local. Thats where some inconveniences arised chief of which is that I'm always left alone. This is of course a double edge sword with the good thing that beggers and hawkers generally leave me alone.

I didnt travel to much place. Decided to camp in HCM other than a boring trip to Mui Ne which is admitedly nice but which you should go with someone else, preferably your gf. If not its going to be extremely boring as I spent my time in my relatively posh room (compared to my HCM room) watching TV and self amusing myself.

Tonight I should be going to party with some locals. Hopefully it will be good. Tomorrow night supposed to meet Nam who is back for more party. My last party as I'm coming home on sunday.

Then it will be good bye Vietnam and Hallo Bintan.. I be back in vietnam for sure though.

Vball camp 2009

2009-11-25T02:25:00.001-08:00

Just back from vball camp today. Was really tired and the whole camp was a rollercoaster ride emotionally.

First day was relatively uneventful since its a stay out camp but day 2 was so different. Tensions was brewing during captain's ball game between the malays and the sec 3s due to supposedly rough play. I wasnt mad at all because competitiveness is good. After my talk to them, can see they visibly ease up on each other.

BBQ was really not too bad. Even though I flustered over the cleaning part, it turned up pretty well. The real climate was the camp fire. Good job with the fire from phil's part. We started off with the dance from the malays and agnes's group. Then began the real talk. I invited them one by one for a talk. Agnes was shy as usual so I switched to Shahida as she is the talkative and outspoken one. When she poured out her reasons for joining vball and that she hates the feeling of losing, tears were streaking down her cheek. Many a times, she choked on her tears. Then others came up to share and alot started tearing. Some sec 1s which I think is Caro was sobbing when I started to talk about them.

They knew I'm leaving vball to take charge of bball. They are upset over it and so am I. I didnt cry then but my heart was in pain. Especially when I think over my own sporting past and that I have never won before for my school, I felt really wrenched. Unlike them, I would never have another chance to put that right. I was and is still really sad.

A side event of some colleagues who lied to me about their travel plans ate into me last night. I could barely sleep 40 winks as I made checks on them at night. Thinking they might be cold, I off the fans. As I look at the dark hall with my sleeping girls, I really felt very sad. When they talked about my contribution to them, I felt both proud but more of upset knowing I can not do much for them anymore. Maybe its that I am too emotional like I always was but this girls are the first team I ever took. They are under alot of flakes for not performing and get jeered on by students and teachers alike for their supposedly inept.

When Jade spoke about me allowing the game to continue on day 1 though I developed sore eye and heavy rashes before rushing over to buy camp stuffs, or when I postponed hospital for my piles for them, I really was at a loss. I really appreciate and love them.

When they say they love me, I do hope they know that I care for them alot and I will continue to care for them. The journey together was alas too brief but which I will forever hold dear to my heart. 1 way or another, while they think I have make a difference in their hearts, they have made a massive difference in mine.

As I told them, the next time they push the vball cart to training with me looking on as the teacher IC of another CCA, I probably will feel lonely and weird. Those were my girls.

Hopefully the bballers will be equally endearing..

1007

2009-10-29T05:39:00.000-07:00

That is the timing for my 2.4km run just now. Not too bad considering I havent been training for a long time. In fact of all the CHR staffs, I finished first =)

Today was a good day. After the run, the PE team and San min went to chomp chomp to feast and had a lot of laughters and good food. Good company and food do make my day. I was so fearful I will emerged last. Thankfully my pride is salvaged..

The only drawback to today's fun was during the morning cca survey session, one of the girls insinuate I'm biased. I'm quite unhappy that it has come from her considering I played her in the friendly game though she hasnt attend trainings for eons. But I have come to realise from past surveys done in MI, you cant please the whole world or students.

Thankfully the others are relatively supportive of me. =)

25/10/2009

2009-10-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

It have ended. A whirlwind relationship that started so suddenly has ended equally abruptly. However the hurt seems manageable now and everyday seems to diminish the memories I have of her.

Watched (500) days of summer with urine and frog last night. Drew tons of parallel between the lead actor and myself with his notions and views towards love. Yes. We been through numerous in fact countless of breakups and dumping and be dumped by others. Each experience is however different and the lessons and hurt generated, varies consequently.

CHR volleyball played against Sembawang yesterday morning too. We were comprehensively beaten by Sembawang 1st 2 teams and only managed to salvage a glimmer of respect through beating their year 1s. Behind the tough façade I put on yesterday, I am genuinely proud of the girls and their behaviours.

They did not played the best they can. Do they even know what they are capable of? During the game, I ranted and shouted at almost everyone. Deep down, I could see the various improvements they have gained from the last game. To admit to them they played very well would be overstating it too. I have faith that these girls will continue to learn and progress as players and when they leave CHR for their next institution, they'll be able to be more competent players. Some might even start to win medals for themselves. For them to greet and cheer the Sembawang team after the game warms my heart too.

Perhaps this is why the volleyball girls will forever be close to my heart.

Day 4

2009-10-13T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today is the 4th day I have not seen her. Think she should be in the states now. As I am marking the papers listening to countless love songs-mostly tragic ones, I start to pine for her and reminisces over our short and brief union. It was really good while it lasted.

Last night I slept well. It was due to the exhaustion of the MOE volleyball training. It was simply excruciating. However after the training, I was so spent that I am able to sleep through without missing her. Is that the only way that I can get myself to sleep without pining for her??

I wish to turn back time and permanently stay there. Of course I know its impossible so all I can do is push on and hope she will eventually turn back and return to my embrace. I miss her still.

Loneliness with heineken

2009-10-11T03:16:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day I havent seen her for the whole day since we first met. As Im sipping her favourite beer and typing this entry, tears continue to streak down my face. My friends could not comprehend how is it I can grieve so much in such a short relationship especially since I barely know her..

I could not understand it myself but my tears is genuine and the hurt is piercing. The emptiness is frightening and the loneliness is suffocating. I dont know what I can do or say.

Her sorrow for her failed relationship haunts me too. As I witness the girl I love broke down, I felt helpless. I called that ex but he did not pick up the phone. Even if he did, what could I say or do? Deep down, I rather she be back happily with him then be empty with me. If there is someone to feel the pain, bear the suffering, I hope it is me.

She is everything I could ask for. Pretty, gentle and thoughtful. She said she is sorry for meeting at a wrong time. She need not say sorry. She make me realised I am capable of loving again.. or feeling hurt again. Once again, Joanna Chua dearie, I really really love u. Do take care of yourself. Today should be the 1 week we are together.

shattered yet again

2009-10-10T17:01:00.001-07:00

I thought time has come for me to give up the name to my blog. Instead i found myself staring at the deeper end of abyss. when i thought i had found love, it left me once again shattering the hopes and dreams i have held on to.

She is a broken girl herself too. her fiance just left her for another girl and she seeks solace in my embrace which i readily offered. however despite the laughters, promises and cuddles we shared, she finally came to the realisation that im not him and his not me.

I know i was the rebound when i stepped right in. i didnt mind that so long i get her. figures out that i prolly could change her if i continues to shower her with love and care. showed her to my parents as she told me she is sure of her feelings for me.

Soon i realised, she is not so sure. i have to pick myself up from this again. while you have been through pain before, it doesnt mean that pain feels any lesser when you go through it again. i got home after leaving her at 5am. its 8 now. i couldnt sleep. imageries of her flood my head when i closes my eyes.

It have only been a 6days relationship. just like charmaine before her, it stings despite the short lifespan of it all. i do not want to love or be loved anymore. the pain that might comes from it is too unbearable for me. let me stay alone for the rest of my life. i do not need or want love anymore. i seriously dont.

Walk the path of kings

2009-10-01T04:59:00.000-07:00

Stayed at home today as on MC. Finished watching Attack no.1 in 2 days. This is a show about a vball manga and it got me tearing many times not so much of the show, but more of my personal memories in sports and also my current vball girls.

I have never finished on a winning team before so to pretend that I know the meaning or feeling of winning would simply be pretentious. However in every single game I've ever played, I know I have given my all. I really regretted not pushing myself or my teammates to the fullest when I played in tournaments. Now when I'm way past the tournament age, I truly felt panges of what could have been if we have tried harder.

The feelings of losing is never pleasant thus I could not understand why people would say its okae if you lose so long you have tried. Every defeat I went through, the sensation still stings. While time and the opportunity of the next game would go a long way in dampening the pain, it could not totally eradicate it especially if you revisit the memories from time to time.

My current vball girls are branded as no-hopers for glory. They have always floundered at tournaments and the cca is now relegated to that of a recrea cca meaning no more competitions. Despite that, they still come for trainings and go through the drills diligently. Inside some of the players, I could sense a real burning desire to excel and compete.

As I watch the serial, I draw numerous parallels between the frictional fujimi team and chr vball girls. When training resumes, I would now change the strategies of my trainings. Hopefully they would do enough over the next few months to impress the in-charge, that they are worthy to represent the school.

I will not abandon them or give up on them and I hope they are ready for the challenge. Walk the path of kings.

22/9/2009

2009-09-22T05:35:00.000-07:00

Just came back from the hospital. My dad is hospitalised for suspected stroke. Thats the vulnerability of life and it suddenly struck me deeply. My parents arent young anymore and when you aged, your body becomes like an old car and starts to whine and break down. Such is the effect of age on you.

While I look at my dad and he seemingly dismissing it as no big deal probably to allay my mom's fears, I could see something in him that I have never seen before. I guess it struck him too. Such is the vulnerability of life and he is no exception to the rule.

I feel damn bad that I cannot do much to alleviate the fear and uncertainties except trying to be strong. Hopefully the doctor's prognosis would be positive.

Today I was extremely annoyed with one of my student. I have tried so many times to counsel and talk sense to him. I actually thought he understand. However I feel that he is a character who only feels that the world owes him and that he is this poor little lost soul. Really upseting but luckily, he is the exception rather than the norm.

Finally I came back from batam with TK, mel and dan. I guess only Tk and I had fun. It was ramadan and the party fun places were closed. In the end, TK and I went off to buy fireworks and set them off at 3 am, giggling, laughing and of course drunk.

Deflated

2009-09-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

Today went for the vball training. Was actually pretty hyped up prior to the training so much so that I even put off going to hospital to remove my piles since the doctor said I would be out of action for minimum a week..

Chris came down and joined in as well. I was actually very disappointed and hurt deep down. I have prepared a cake and some tidbits to celebrate the birthdays of the September babies. However I felt that I was being underappreciated..

I had a hard time even to get them for a photo shoot and after much cajoling, I finally took some pictures none of which were satisfactory. I am really really hurt deep down.. I really do care for them and always put them in the first place. This incident has truly deflated me..

I do not ask for tangible benefits or recognition but the minimum to do is to appreciate the extent I have gone through this for them?? Minus away rushing to cake shop to buy a cake, preparing tidbits and even coming for vball while my piles up still up my arse, I really have hoped that the response would be better and that they could see the effort I put in?

In the end, it felt as if I force them to celebrate and the whole celebration became a sham that was as if to please me more than them. Nothing more to add.

Latest developments

2009-09-05T08:17:00.001-07:00

Teaching in the new school has so far proved to be a very enjoyable thing to do. I really do enjoy my time there. What is there not to like? A wonderful superior, friendly colleagues and the students are mostly very agreeable there.

I look forward for volleyball sessions all the time. Really enjoy coaching them but just not too sure if I'm the most competent candidate to coach them. Hopefully they enjoy my training sessions as much as I enjoyed coaching them.

Next week will be the 1 week break. Cant wait for friday's training when I prolly will introduce some games and cut the training bit due to it being a holiday session.

The annoying thing is that I got piles right now. Fucking irratingly painful. -___-"
Last night spent alot on drinks.. Was expecting the others to chip in but they did not offer.. Luckily qmo and I are splitting the 2nd bottle. No more drinks for now.. Budget time.

Will go back school on monday to do some work and gym if my piles clear up by then.

how wonderful hindsight can be?

2009-05-04T04:45:00.000-07:00

Hindsight can be a really wonderful thing isn't it? The thought of turning back time when everything that went wrong is not a result of destiny but traces back to your own undoing. You wish desperately it is only a bad dream and you will awake wiping away the cold sweat that forms on your head and silently praise, "its only a bad dream".

Reality can be so cruel. If you can live your life again, what would you change? Plenty for me. Would I get a chance to relive my life again? I pray deeply into the night, hoping and wishing.. that it isn't too late after all.

I will be a better man if I can emerge from this crisis. I pray for a final chance. Please..

Musing at Doha

2009-02-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in Doha airport now awaiting my flight back to Dubai. The last few months of working in Dubai had drained the hell out of me. Indeed it knocked the stuffing out of me so much so I have decided to throw in the towel.

I will be heading back to tidy up the loose ends and tendering my resignation. My time in Dubai has been plagued by bad luck to say the least. Deciding to resign has not been an easy task. Beside the small matter of looking like a quitter, there is the problem of paying back 15k SGD in my car loan and advance for housing.

Ultimately, I am blessed that I have strong family and friends who are more than willing to help me up. Though my mom has whined about my initial decision to join Dubai despite her best efforts to dissuade me, she told me to leave the money part to her. Before leaving for Dubai, she constantly tried to pass me cash to ensure that my quality of life there will be okae. So too are my aunt and TK and Beng.

I went to BKK with Jason and had a smashing time. Knowing my financial predicament, he tried to pay more for the holidays. Also the usual suspects Urine, Frog, MK, Fat and even Short has sent me text messages to cheer me up. I guess the important lessons here is that at least I can still count on my family and friends.

Now is boarding time. I will go back Dubai and clear things up. Eagerly anticipating my return back to Spore and hopefully I can get into teaching again. I miss that so much.

Work

2008-10-21T10:40:00.000-07:00

Work here is getting increasingly stressful and perplexing. I have to fend off angry customers who have their loans postponed for a long time before getting rejected, my staffs who have to run around to get applications but not only fail to receive their incentives but had to get abused by angry customers due to failed applications, management breathing down my neck for cases, constant changes of company's policies etc..

While I always urge my guys to stay focus and collected and that this would be over, plus high sounding words like "Only the best and tough will survive but once they do, the rest will fall into place", I am honestly getting jaded.

I'm working 6 days week and sometimes 7. Working hours are from 8am to maybe 6 or 7 or even longer depending on meetings and appointments. Cost of living is frighteningly high that I'm contemplating getting another loan. With no commission coming in, plus having to bring my guys around is increasing petrol costs and also having to pay for their food and drinks at times.

I keep telling myself it will be worth it and after 1 year, things will be better.. But will it?

First month in Dubai

2008-07-26T02:39:00.000-07:00

Went to party with some younger Singaporeans last night and had a smashing time. Its the first time I party here so I guess it explains the novelty reason. I was completely beat when I got home at 4 plus in the morning as I had waken up early for badminton and the rest was playing cards at my hotel till late(Anthony bunked over in fact).

Again Carrie was drunk and was kinda silly again. Today marks the first month I have came over to Dubai. It also means I have to shift out of the apartment something which I am looking forward to. However as my own apartment wont be ready till 10th August, Charlotte and hubby kindly allow me to stay over with them. I would so much rather to move to my own place and dont inconvenient them.. But I dont have a choice do I?

I was watching "Remember the Titans" the other night and was choked with emotions again. The show is inspiring and even though I watched it for the 2nd time, I actually teared again. It reminds me of my own training while playing for the school and the camaraderie my team mates and I shared. I was also reminded of Ms Gan and my grand mother.

Time flies as I would have written this phrase for the umpteenth time in my blog. Still it frightens and perplexed me in no certain terms that once time passed, it will never ever be the same again. I remember being young and wishing I am old. Now I gotten my wish and is completely independent, I wish I was young and innocent with nally a worry in the world. Things will never be the same again.

As I see how the effects of time and age has on life, I was extremely worried that I would not be able to provide for my parents the most luxury and worry free life ever. I will not give up anymore. The main wish I have now is to climb the corporate hierarchy and provides for my parents a life that they deserve for toiling so long. I miss Jolene and Jovan alot too. Will they still remember me when I'm back?

starting of work

2008-07-02T01:23:00.000-07:00

I've settled in reasonably well in Dubai. it isnt too bad minus the crazy rental prices and our pathetic pay. you know it would cost you minimum SGD 1,500 to get something decent? meaning either a studio in the WORST neighborhood or 1 room inside an apartment in a SLIGHTLY better area. tough choice isn't it?

The work is pretty simple for now. perhaps we are new and thus we didn't get much to do. i seriously think i am underpaid. they take me as a fresh grad thus entry level but i had years of experience in Prudential and Manulife. while not the best of agent, i had at least achieved the new fp award plus other certifications. here i saw a canadian guy working as a sales manager meaning 1 rung above me and maybe twice my pay who dont even understand the mechanics of insurance or even how to use a powerpoint. believe it or not, i was teaching him how to present to the rest and showing him pointers on the products even though i did not attend the product training. ironic isn't it?

Mert (a turk senior from work) brought us to a pub in crown plaza. pretty cool guy to chill with. not those cheong drinks dudes like terence, george or myself. he pretty much only drank 1 beer and nothing after that. perhaps thats y he drive..

I dont think failure is an option to me here. i reiterate. failure is NOT an option for me here. for those students who might be reading this entry, failure is not an option for you too. there is no room for sympathies in the world. you either make it or you dont. the world will never stop revolving just because a certain individual didn't make it. i wont fail. will u?

Day 2

2008-06-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

Its day 2 in Dubai. Dubai shopping is AWESOME! That is to say the least. they are having summer sale now in most if not all shops. shopping malls are really huge. think vivo size for most malls and 2 vivos for some bigger malls like the Mall of Emirates (MOE). there is indoor ski mountain there. when i say mountain, im not actually exaggerating. the place is really suitable for skiing be it that you are an expert or novice. pictures of it should be up soon if you are keen to see.

Since shopping is so truly mind blogging experience, it is especially cruel to me. so many items are on red hot bargain. a mexx berms is maybe 30 sgd, a hnm tee is maybe 25 sgd, pure silk ties from woolworths (like mark and spencer) is only 15sgd! the list goes on and on..

Food is not as expensive as feared. trick is to go to smaller alleys and eat at places most tourists wont think of going. carrie and i went to deira today and we were famished! we walk and walk but there are no restaurants. suddenly i spotted some gas tanks, those huge ones you use for cooking. we made our way inside the alley and came across a small little eatery.

A briyani like dish with maybe 2.5 bowls of rice serving of basmati briyani rice, half a chicken, salad, some curry like thingy, soup and ice water cost the equivalent of 6sgd. needless to say both carrie and i couldn't finish our meal.

We cooked dinner at home. cabbage, eggs, meat and bought a roasted chicken from carrefour. total damage? about 30AED meaning about 13sgd.. not bad for 3 person huh? there was this crazy cab driver who was arguing with another driver for the right to get in (1 wanted to get in, 1 wanted to get out). they both refused to go away and were really about to come to blows. finally our cab driver gave way and they gesticulate and swear abit BUT our hero driver refused to let go. he might had suddenly felt ashamed that he backed down and gave way so he drove round and round looking for that driver.

I was getting annoyed and boosted by my gym training, i asked if you dont want to drive us, let us down. he didnt answer us but he drove us to our destination. think carrie was quite spooked by it..

So the 3 of us (with francis- a sporean chap posted here to be a restaurant's manager) continue our adventure in the middle east. tomorrow is first day of work. first day work and its sunday. need some getting use to but im so excited about work. towards a better future! ganbatte!

Away from Singapore for a long time

2008-06-25T19:00:00.001-07:00

Maybe you can call it jitters, maybe even fear. The fact is despite the gungho attitude i'm trying to impress on others, i am scared. I be leaving for Dubai tonight. The unknown is indeed scary yet pulsating.

Years ago, i set up this blog to tell about my feelings when i go over for my exchange in Poland. the mish mash of emotions that were going through inside me at that time. My experiences, my friendships, my adventure and my life were all noted down for remembrance. Time truly flies as the generation old adage will attest to it. I am now a graduate and is embarking on my first job. My first proper job.

Just like i had never thought my exchange will be in Poland, little did i expect my first job posting to be in Dubai. I was thinking more along the line of China, Hong Kong but Dubai? Never cross my mind. Reality can be quite funny isnt it?

I hate sending off. Inside me, i'm proud of the fact that i got well meaning friends eager to send me off. However i am too emotionally weak for it. The departure with the hugs, byes and tears really shaken me. My friends will know me as a very emotional person contrary to what my persona will suggest. Yes indeed by now, those who known me by now knows im emotionally fragile.

It is going to be weird that the next day i'm typing will be in a complete foreign land. I'll be leaving behind my parents, family, niece, nephew, gf, urine, froggy, beng, students and many many other buddies to embark on a new chapter in my life. This chapter i suspect will define the next part of my life. Just as i known the other time round when i go over to Warsaw, i know it now too. The good byes and adieu we are going to bid tonight will be temporary. I'll be back.

"I'm leaving on a jet plane. Dont know when i'll be back again"

musings

2008-06-01T02:12:00.000-07:00

It seems that some of my students been reading my blog and keep commenting im too emotional behind the strong and positive facade i tried to put on in front of them. so are they right in thinking that the strong front i put on is merely that.. a front? actually thats quite far from the truth.

I guess everyone has a needy time, a side of him feeling more vulnerable, weaker and negative. it does not necessarily translate in that guy in that guy taking on a new persona.. i guess that all humans or at least most got 2 sides to them. it is just a matter of displaying which side at what time.

Furthermore everyone has to understand that in this meritocratic society, in this even mercenary world, there is really no place for sentiments, for nostalgic and for the weak. if you lack behind, you are eliminated thats it..

Time of teaching has ended.. I'm basically just willing my time away till dubai. I went out on this date yesterday. to quote a line from the movie "the last samurai", it was perfect.. it could be her level of thinking, or her maturity or even her looks, we had an enjoyable evening together. do hope she can go dubai to work alongside with me. that would make it so much more interesting to say the least.

Just to conclude.. i was looking through my msn contacts and as usual, were deleting those that i have lost touch with. i came across her's.. she wont ever be online again or reply to my messages. she will be permanently appearing as offline in my contact list. i did not delete the name.. i typed a message to her even though i knew that there is no way she will ever read it.. however i just want her to know, she may be gone but never forgotten. she will always be in my heart, in my memories. i miss her so much. ms emily gan, if there is an afterlife, i will still be your best student cliche this may sound. go in peace and i hope you finally found the peace you so richly deserve.. RIP.

leaving MI

2008-05-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day teaching of MI. finally i typed in the key word MI so there would be higher chance of some random students finding out my blog address. How was my last day in school?

Well, i was really sad that this whole adventure had to come to a close. bena demanded to walk me to school today. i went to b8,a2 class and concluded the session with them. nope it wasnt emotional and we just took some pictures and thats it.

Went to gym and bball with the usual b7 guys. an incident stuck in my head and its really making me very very upset. when i tried to play vball with hj for awhile, the vball gers ask her to go join up with them. i know they hated me over the wendy's incident and she hated me too. do i regret what i have done?

The answer is an emphatic NO. i did what i could for her. giving her talks after talks, telling the combined class to bear with her and she mean no harm when she was distracting the class, pleading with her mom and sis and her vball teacher to continue to let her play on when she was asked to leave, asking the school to give her another chance as she is basically not a bad kid and whats more with some really good intelligence?

She threw the marker at me for fun which i know. however what am i supposed to do? i do need to maintain discipline in class isnt it? i have also told her before not to toe the line in class but she persist on. having a slight talent is nothing to count for in this school without sheer hardwork and a positive attitude. even then, i gave her a chance to write a letter which she took mc the next day.

Why am i so bothered with annal kids, childish and myopic in their vision? well.. its cos i care.. not only for her but for each and everyone under my charge. i treated them as my obligation, my responsibility. seeing how they waste their time away not knowing that so few of them would eventually make it, tears me apart. i truly from the bottom of my heart want them ALL to succeed so that no one will ever look down on the school again..

When A5 passed me the card they made for me, i teared silently. this class... i have a bitter love hate relationship with them. i dont hate them per se.. i dont hate or favor any particular class.. this class however i worried about them alot.. during my last lesson with them, i gave them a tight tongue lashing. they made me a huge card promising me that they will buck up for their exams and they want to show me they can do it.. as im typing that now, my eyes well up uncontrollably.. as i told them, im not asking for gratitude.. but if they can use my words to spur them on to greater heights, to success, to victory, i would be more than pleased..

Some students think im too emo at times.. too moody and sometimes too fierce. i can take the easy way out and ignore the troublemakers, but i refuse to. deep down, i refuse to give up the fight on them. i want them to win this race.. i dont know if i have done enough and despite the accolades and well wishes i have garnered from my many students, i am not even sure if im a competent teacher.

Something for sure is i tried my darn best to make it work. i just hope that i have touch someone in some way. even if they were to hate me, and channeled their disdain for me into strength to study, i will gladly buy that.

As i walked away from the school for possibly the very last time, i closed this chapter of my life. it had long been a dream of mine to teach. i have seen and experienced many things in this great adventure. from the bottom of my heart, i pray that each and every one of my students can find success. i humbly pray for them..

teaching

2008-05-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

School has been fine... Actually fine is an understatement. i think it has been a great and enriching experience though not everything went according to plan. perfection might be just a myth aye? much talk about but seldom achieve.

I had a dream long before. i always want to try my hands in teaching and i finally fulfilled that dream. although it is only for a couple of months, i think this is the job i enjoyed doing the most out of all those i had done so far. in fact the last time i can remember having inundated fun and satisfaction during the course of work.

There were the bad moments. when you see your students threading the route that many of your peers had taken while in school, u felt upset, disturbed and more acutely disappointed. it is not easy for a student in the school to make it to university. despite statistics vindicating the mammoth task placed ahead of them, they remain indifferent and oblivious to it.

Some students commented that lately i like to put them down. i do not enjoy that. i want every single of my students in fact the school to make it from the bottom of my heart. there was this student. she is talented, chirpy and vivacious. however she lacks discipline and does not understand or realize the magnitude of a task facing her. she threw a marker at me. of course i know its a joke, a prank. for the sake of retaining control of the class, i have to act. i counseled her a number of times but to no avail.

She has since quited the school. deep down, i was smashed. i read her blog and now i'm her public enemy no one. am i affected too deeply by her hatred to me? do i regret my actions? actually i don't. i rather she leave the school now then to stay on for 3 years and flunk out. however it hurts me to see her wasting herself and her talents.

I scolded my students the other day. the thing about the students here is they give up on themselves too easily. they quit too easily. seeing a tough question, facing a tough course, encountering a tough teacher, they took the easy way out. they quit. however such actions not only fail to endear themselves, but its like a death note symbolizing their impending doom either from being kick out of school or eventually failing to make the grade to university.

I am about to go dubai. am i excited about the trip? not really. there is this dread in me that is gently warning me that i would regret leaving the country, the parents, the school, the teaching, the friends and also the students. some friends question my sanity and rationality in wanting to leave..

Its the opportunity and most importantly the promise. the promise to myself. i will give myself, my parents and my future family the best life ever. i want to make it big.. i correct the statement. i will make it big. if it calls for sacrifices, i guess i have no other choice but to grind my teeth and bear with it?

I will miss MI and my students. all of them..

Ramblings on love

2008-04-25T03:40:00.000-07:00

A student shared with me an anecdote of hers lately that she used to be so clueless even on the meaning of LOVE. I was stumped. Fact is.. I suspect that I myself do not understand the true meaning of love.

I had went through numerous relationships. Some good, others bad. The important thing is all ends up in tatters one way or another. Having resume my bachelorhood lately, a fact failed to escape my attention.. Indeed I'm getting on in age.

I remembered wishing to settle down by 27 years old maximum in the past. In a couple of months, I will turn 27. No marriage remains in sight and doesn't look anything close to it too. While I constantly reminds those around me on the virtues of having a stable and remarkable career first before switching your focus to your love life, its not difficult to see that it is way easier to expound on it than to really practice it.

Almost ashamed to admit that in spite of numerous girlfriends and aging by the minutes, I remain none the wiser on love. How provocative that even those people who went through probably half of what I'm been through, can narrate and adhere to love and its teachings much better than I do.

I have decided to go Dubai. The last time I traveled overseas to do my exchange was to escape a broken relationship and its remnants of memories, promises and hopes. This time I hope to really push on for my career. If ultimately, I remains luckless with the God of Love, I hope at least I can be successful in my work and give fortunes and happiness to my family.

I continued to hope that enlightenment of love and the bliss it brings will struck me soon. Hope is dissipating fast though..

updates

2008-04-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

So many things have happened after i last updated my blog. i shall list them down though not in order..

(1) i finally graduated from smu with a pass degree.. did not managed to get degree with merit but just happy im out of the school..

(2) im finally about to end my time with insurance companies. achieved my goal of getting at least an award as it will look better in my CV. went to the award gala.

(3) i have a gf whom i was really serious about. however due to various reasons, i just broke up with her ydae.. today was her bdae.. why did things turn out this way?

(4) i finally went to taiwan which was one of the countries i really wanted to visit. i went with her but was struck down by severe illness a few days into the trip..

(5) ms gan passed away. it was a protracted and painful battle.. seeing her lying motionless in the coffin, i shed tears. memories of her in what seems like yesterday came flooding back. before she passed away, i finally garnered enough courage to tell her how i feel.
"some people set up their hold life trying to leave a legacy. you have left yours in me. you will always be my legend ms gan.." RIP.

(6) I got a job offer to head to dubai. from fullerton financial which is a 100% owned subsidiary from temasek holdings. thinking if i should take it up. dubai is after all really far from my family..

(7) im doing relief teaching at my former school. it is like one of my dream to be a relief teacher. i had accomplished it finally.. the students are great and i had a brunch of really fun relief teacher frens. actually some students asked if i will go into full time teaching.. my parents are really keen on me doing that too.. i enjoyed my time.. however im determined to climb up the corporate ladder. if i fail, maybe i will consider teaching. but then again, i will not fail. failure is not an option.

right now, im just really unclear about my next move. career is the paramount importance in my life right now. pray i will choose the right move. then again, life is about taking risks isnt it?

Memories

2007-12-04T01:02:00.000-08:00

Date 04/12/2007
Time 1703 hours

16 more days and she will be leaving the shores of Singapore for home..while home to her have been singapore for the past 1.5 years, the time has unfortunately arrived.. memories of her are brief at best. its not too much to say despite the time she has here, we never properly treasure each other.

When i first met her, it was at the services marketing class. sitting opposite where i was located, she captured my undivided attention straight away. the class become pretty straight forward. coming to class was merely to look at her. i was contented just to admire her from afar. as the term came to an end, i bid my silent farewell to her, thinking i will never get to see her again.

I was wrong.

Following semester, Asia Pacific Business class. She strided into classs, resplendent even thou its a morning class. taking her seat beside mine, i was silently delighted. is that fate? when asked to divide into groups, no prizes for guessing who would be in mine.. when the prof announced she wish to change the grouping again, i went up to her after class. NO! you cant touch my group.. giving a host of reasons which ranges from the absurb (our group went for outings and is really a cohesive brunch) to the subtle (its bad for the morale for the class, if you keep persisting in modelling the groupings according to your whims and fancies), to the ultimatum (our group already found a company and started work on it. it wont be fair to tear us up now). i was adamant that my group be not cut up and she continue to be in the group. no way some prof irritating as they are, going to deprive me of that.

The semester breeze through. i pretended to get her msn for "project reason". funnily, she bit, hook and sinker. we began to chat online. from topics as interesting as have u eaten? to her school, why she stayed on for another sem etc etc..

Mustering enough courage, i dated her out. i succeeded! we went to km8. first drink i noticed her having, Gin tonic. brilliant. thats my least favourite drink. who cares? im satisfied with my cold kilkenny beer. surreal feeling. lying there on the deck chair with the girl that totally blew my senses away.. a case of overdramaticism? not really if you check with my friends. i held her hands briefly. why briefly? cos she pulled it away. duh.

Other dates, we went to changi brieftly for a drink, the sea breeze (not that it was a particularly breezy day) blew and the waves hums softly as it pelted against the boats and rocks..

We went to east coast park too. dinner at korean place. bbq meat. they asked.. is she ur gf? i smiled. i wished she is.. after dinner we went strolling on the beach.. sitting on a bench, i hugged her. nice fuzzy warm feeling.. awesome. i wont mind time stopping and come to a standstill. her smses start pouring in.. invites for her to party.. time to leave.. i curse silently at whoever that disturbed my moment of euphoria.

Newasiabar. was there with my company ppl. was already really drunk. yes, she decided to join us.. i half crawl, half muddled my way down the lift and garnered all my strength to inform the cab driver. "first to MOS cab pick up point, then back to NAB". soon she hopped into the cab. she was in this tiny beige denim skirt. CUTE.. kawaii.. at NAB, adrian and co start chanting.. "kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss..." their usual chant. this time was different.. i really WANTED to kiss her plus im drunk. unknown courage behest upon me. i kissed her. on the lips. not sure if she realised i was going to kiss her thus didnt avoided it. i have my kiss, the crowd had their wish. they cheered, my head was dizzy. whether it is from the numerous drinks i had, or the kiss i stolen, i dont know. i suspect thou, neither did i cared.. the night had to end somehow thou. i sent her back. the next day. i puked. massive hangover. memories of our tender first kiss lingers. hangover or not, i will forever keep those memories.. will i ever kiss her again?

We studied in the library really often. one period of time, we met daily. on this particular night, her sms and calls start flowing in. her facial expressions changed. something had happened at home. i queried. she told me in a chilling voice "its not your business. dont ask.." i was not about to pick a fight. i sensed something really wrong. i wont probed if she dont wish to share. i be merely standing around if she needs me. if she needs me, i be the first one down. just like when she was sick and i rushed to send her to see a doctor, just like if she is hungry, i be down in a flash. she cried outside the library and lashed at me to stay away.. i tried to console her. to no avail. imageries of her tearing pierced my heart.. as i trudged to the car, tears were welling up. her pain, my misery. she didnt know and its best she dont. should i add to her pain?

After that night, we stopped meetings. im not sure why. but she just drifted away.. long time after that we had some occasions we nearly met. once i sms her late, i cant meet cos i got work appointment. i lied. i went home. i cancelled the work appt too. i was sad and afraid. i was too afraid of meeting her. meeting her for a night than having to stay out from her life for the rest of my time, petrifies me.. she said before. "Your whole world revolves around yourself". she couldnt be more wrong.. if she had bothered to think carefully.. my world revolves around her..

Finally we met. my heart was beating fast. i was excited yet frightened. friends or even acquaintances who knew me, would realised that im funny, jovial and of course noisy. in front of her, im not the man i am with others.. she be the one talking and laughing and her words hypnotised me. her personality engulfed me. but mostly, i remembered her tears. i worried and fretted over saying the right thing. i had this uncanny ability to irritate and anger her. keeping my mouth shut is perhaps the best way to avoid that.

She commented. going out with you is a bother. you dont talk or respond. you are just too quiet. yeap i am, just that she didnt know why..

I asked for pictures to be taken together. she told me.. "i dont like to take pictures". however her facebook is filled to the brim with pictures. a guy stands out. i came to realise. he is hee soo. her bestie or so as she told me. i wanted a picture. i couldnt get a single one. others are getting it by the dozens. do i matter to her?

many a times she asked me to meet her friends. i wanted to. i swear i wanted to but when she starts to reveal the sheer amount of friends going, i panicked. i was worried how should i behaved, what should i wear etc. i chickened out. i took the easiest road. i back out. this increase her disappointment in me. i always claimed to love her and i keep "dipping" on her? how ironic right? do she knows that i wanted to see her so badly, but im afraid i be too much of a hassle and im also afraid of embarrashing myself.. would her friends take to a stranger kindly for invading the exchange clan?

She asked me before to meet her mom. i was over the moon. like Seriously! in singapore, meeting parents constitutes to acceptance. i was late. i had a family function. when i smsed her, there was no reply.. she was asleep and i ended disappointing her agian..

Her chinese tutor asked me. "is she your gf and did she learn mandarin for u?" i wishes so. but nah. the feelings strictly one sided. my side of course.. still i was happy. at the chance of meeting teacher. i rationalize that by meeting her teacher would meant that im slightly more impt to her now. right?

One night, i smsed her. asking her to be my gf. she told me she likes me too. i teared. i havent cried for girls after my breakup. for jannell lee, i cried yet again. her smses symbolised struggles. its not an easy period for her. she was about to go home from a place she had called home for the past 1 year plus. having a bf at this juncture would surely not helped things.

I promised to come over, to fight for things to happen and also reminded her that having a bf from the safe area is not bound for success. i am right. but having a distant bf is surely a recipe for disaster? but im a guy who fights for love. i love her and i would willingly fight and give up a limb to be with her. but it takes two to clap. am i insinuating she is a weakling? No. im perhaps just not that important to her.

Her birthday was creeping near. i had plans. my parents will be out of town. the whole place is my own. i wanted to call her friends over and had a party. despite numerous sms and calls, they didnt agree or even reply.. i was hopping mad inside.

Location of celebration was to be timbre. i bought along my present for her a watch in high spirits. i must pretend to forget her friends didnt bother to call me back for the outing. its her day! i must be good. why a watch for her present? watches is perhaps the only thing she lacks and i can afford. her watch had been with her for ages. a cute little disney watch which ancient age certainly shows when the watch strap broke one and had to be replaced. i was with her. i know. a watch would also allow her to wear it often and when she looked at the time, perhaps (just perhaps) she would count the time before we reunite and be together again.

That night was bad. her friends were saying she is a couple with HS. i sat at a corner, pretending to be nonchalent and continued to talk to a korean guy. but everything that was happening, i took a mental note.. it was gnawing at me.. after she unwrapped my present, he took out his pressie for her. a heart shaped pendant. surely a symbol of love. he bent over and put it on for her. the friends cheered. i smiled meekly. the watch strap for her was too long. she stretched out her hand for me to remove the watch and make the necessary adjustments. i tried but the f**king watch refused to unbuckle. i didnt want to force it open for fear of hurting her. the knight in silver armour, HS offered his help. bending over, he began to twist and turned and force the watch into submission. he won. the watch lost.

All through the night, he was lying on her shoulder, putting his hands around her, whispering into her ears etc. i so badly want to turn and leave. i couldnt right? its her day. its her 23rd bdae. i cant be so petty. i stayed on. however my patience or maganimity snapped at MOS. i excused myself and leave.

Sent her a sms to explain my departure. her reply was incoherent at best. she was drunk. if drunkness had caused her to accept his advances, i was still really disappointed that during the time at timbre when she is sober, she didnt tried to stop it.

Of course there are mitigating factors like they are exchange students and exchangees are usually more affectionate. i know. i am one before. but having the whole drama unfurled in your face is still too bitter a pill to swallow. she apologized to me. the apology is not needed. she is not my gf.. she doesnt need to be responsible to me.

i drove her in a flash. i had 7 beers and 1 vodka lime. way above the legal limit. first time i degenerate into an irrseponsible driver. last time too i hoped. she asked for time. she said she want to be with me. i refused her time. i wanted her to let HS know she is mine. they went off for a trip. i was stuck here. i am jealous and uncertain and fearful. do she really likes me??

She had always asked me for actions to back up my claims of liking her.. whats her actions beside the smses she sent me? i kept the smses she sent me. now its overflowing to a tune of more than 150. i dont keep smses. but i kept her's. she is different. she is my angel.

Now she is probably somewhere diving and having incredible fun. im about to go bintan tomorrow. its with a heavy heart, im leaving. i miss her so. but having come so far with precious memories with her albeit little and having a place in her heart no matter how tiny, is already more than i can ever dream or ask for.

I will go to canada willingly to unite with her. if she just gave me the go ahead and also accept me and know where i stand. after sunday night smses with her, i dont think that is likely to happen.

Maybe it is time for us to take a bow and leave. Fate while bringing us together, has not kept us together. like what she say, its a case of wrong countries, wrong timing.

I miss you Jannell.

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some, I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me

I want to be strong I want to laugh along

I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want to dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on

All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to doIs to bring out the best in me and in you
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause - Life is our cause
When I think of your kisses my mind see-saws
Do you see - do you see - do you see how you hurt me baby
So I hurt you too
Then we both get so blue.

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unravelingIt's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could beI want to have fun,
I want to shine like the sunI want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free

All I want by Joni Mitchell

bored bored bored

2007-08-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

2nd week of class... Bored and sleepy.. cannot concentrate in class cos too old liao.. working and studying is so not fun.. sigh.. my prof now her muscles so big, it puts me to shame.. really huge.. what a lady..

missing the love

2007-08-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

Havent been writing for some time. decides to write today as i feel that no one actually reads my blog anymore due to months of inaction. Just finish catching the jay chow show-secret. emotions stirred in my jaded heart.

If i have a piano score that can transport me back to the period i experienced true love, how great that would be. i miss you charmaine. deep down in my heart even thou its 3 years we broken up, you have never left me. etched deep in my heart, no eraser can void the memories u brought to me. good and sad..

Today is the freshman camp of the newest batch of undergrads. it was during this period, our fate first intertwined. 3 years had passed since that time. how i misses you.. i tried to be nonchalent, indifferent and had numerous girls after you. no one has successfully replace you. since the breakup, you have moved on. i have moved on.. at least i tried to move on. i will give up anything just to turn back the clock to that moment in my life. the bliss then. the torment now.

Movies like "Secret" haunts me.. unlike the frictional characters, i cannot turn back time, to revert back to a period i won your heart first, then break the love we share. though the time spent was short, it raptured my heart. my heart pines no end for you. alcohol can dampen the pain. other girls can divert the misery.. time can corodes the memory.. but nothing so far, has cure the misery.. i miss you still.

Time waits for no one.. overchiche metaphorical statement no doubt but true to the last word. i can no longer turn back to a period of innocence, a period of true love and bliss, a period of unparrellel joy.. im an empty shell devoid of true love and bliss. i have the fortune of a gf now who loves me deeply. however i knew deep down, she aint the one to take over the past, to cure the pain. but then again, who is? my heart beated for her. since then, it continues to beat not cause of anyone but because i must continue my odyssey in life.

Whatever you are doing now charmaine, i can only watch you from afar praying and hoping that someday, somehow i will be with you even if its for the same 2 months 6 days, i will tell you that yes i will accept it.. i will still be your man. i silently sink back into the nite with tears..

update

2007-06-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

Its been some time i update on my life. nothing much changes except im pretty much settled in my new firm. doing reasonably okae but still i think im underachieving.. im still unsure if this line is the right one for me.. i still cringe at the thought im an insurance agent but such negativities are dissipating rapidly as i do better. perhaps if u really succeed, it doesnt matter where you come from and which firm u are in.

Less than a month to go before my bdae. it shd be funny... for those who are going to be present. for the first time in how long, there be actually ppl going to plan for my bdae. in fact i think the last time anyone bothered planning for my bdae was when im celebrating my 21st.. if my memories dont fail me, thats the last time i celebrated my bdae as an attached personnel.. being quite awhile isnt it..

My bdae i can envisage it to be a massacre.. you see im never the quietest or most obedient of guy who jus wish everyone a happy bdae quietly and sing happy bdae song and blow candle.. im the devil's advocate in chief usually. getting frens to puke, look silly, behave irrationally, have an early night (by means of total knock out) is my occupation or passion to a lesser extent. friends who had capitulate includes beng's junior-edmund kong (but im not the only one who caused it), the courtsman-carrot, the kicking cockroach weiyi and the most recent, mr rossi..

Now they can sense blood and is itching for it.. i got plans to counter it.. it be a tough shot BUT its by no means impossible.. tried to call a truce.. they reject.. especially joey.. this wife of my mgr is irritating.. i admit i got her a lambo! but her hubby wanted a waterfall for her.. i was nice.. in fact i even help put ice into her drinks when she need it.. grrr.. and guess what? she refuse my very generous offer of a truce and also came up with a nickname for the girl i find cute.. MOUSTACHIO!! dont sound too good isnt it.. darn!

The thing that pleases me is that beng's bdae is 1 mth after me.. i shall take how they treat me as a gauge and do back double to beng.. hahaa.. i lined up enforcers to make sure he drink.. adrian peh will be there.. i make sure i get him there.. plus other guests.. muahahaa.. im excited just thinking about it.. *evil grin*

Count down begins.

...

2007-05-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

Tons of regrets.. sorrow is how i felt most.. the acute pain piercing through my heart as i fumbles for the right word to say. i did wrong.. i did that person wrong.. i wish so dearly to blame the alcohol that inhibits my ability to think.. to rationalize.. to no avail. i did that person wrong.

Beng talk to me about my characters. I am flawed.. i know i have alot of strengths as an individual but no matter what, i aint perfect. the worst thing is not being imperfect.. the worst thing is hurting and angering the person that you care for. i rather be hurt than hurt that person.

I wont reveal the name of the person not because of fear of embarrashing myself but i do not wish to dwell and hurt her more. alcohol is stupid. if she forgives me this once, i swear upon my life that i would never touch another drop in my life. alcohol is no respite. its threatening to take away my life, my values and those i care for most.

I am a stupid imbecile. i realize that. though i feel its too late for regrets and the countless apologies im trying to convey, i hope that person know.. for possibly the umpteenth time.. how much i care and how bad i felt right now. i am wrong.. forgive me? tears form out of pining and regrets. forgive me please..

100th entree

2007-04-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

This is the 100th entree for my blog. how times truly swept before you without warning, signs or remorse. time and tide waits for no name. how apt. how tragically true. time truly does change alot of things. i just got back from Al's bar. its a place i dont usually frequent but went twice in the last 3 days. why? they are closing down and i knew the owner alan. he deserves all our respect. he set up this pub and is in charge of opening and closing it each day except on sundays. the thing is he works in the ship yard in the day too and we all know that its not a simple task. he perserve although the bar is not making money but he has been in this line for a long long time. letting go isnt simple. however in the end he let it go. today is his final day. its a sad day and i can almost feel his pining for the place. tragic.

I started this blog as something for my friends to read while im away in poland. now that chapter of my life is closed though i wish dearly otherwise. but its close.. i deleted all her smses. have been keeping it for a long time. decides that its time to let it go.. no point aniwae. sick now and has family day outing at ubin later. hopefully i be fine and it turns out fun..

her

2007-04-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

My heart is feeling this sharp piecing sensation that surge through my body.. My head is throbbing with pain too.. i want to get away from these all.. everyday i question myself.. do she likes me? she is pissed at me as she felt that the whole world only revolves around me.. i think she is wrong. if she is sharp enough, my world actually revolves around her cos she is my world and my world is actually her..

This i hope is another of my many crushes i have had. becos it wont be that pain. i question my ability to love. why do i fall in love so readily, so easily? cos i yearned to be love.. i wish to wake up everyday noting that someone out there loves u too.. it is that hard. it is so painful to keep pining for someone. someone who told u she likes u but is simply too busy for u. u sit back and ponder.. could you have make time for someone u like?? most of you would say yes. well.. most of you aint canadian.

There is this widening gap between us. i fear her cos i dont know what i must do to be with her to make her less mad at me and to open her heart to me. i want to be in her circle of trust. i think its not her fault that we cant communicate. in the first place, we aint similar. forged from years of residence in a nation that is more than 24 hours apart. we are human beings, but we are different. so similar yet so different.. i used to think love will bridge that. well i still hold that im right on that count. the hardest act is.. how do u make her love u when u r usually pissing her mad with ur actions??

I always wonder why carrot loves cx so much? i mean this guy aso got no lack of suitors.. he aint too close to cx, didnt hang around her much or talk to her much.. suddenly i realise how silly i have been. why do i crave for jannell so much? beats me.. love isnt rational too.. in spite of all these problems and headaches and the fact that we wont likely be together, she is still the one for me.. at least till a better one comes along.

missing her.

musings 2

2007-04-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since i blog. painfully there is little to update on my life except the common topics which seem to be ever present in my entrys. even im getting bored listening to my own incessant whinings and complaints. i do wish to type happier stuffs down to give the feel of this blog a more complete one. surely my life is not completely fabricated out of tears, bordom, drinks and pining for love? or is it not?

I'm doing OK in work. not the top agent around but respectable. its becoming a routine to sleep till 10+ and go office in the afternoon thou beng would prefers i reach in the morning. follow by which will likely be some appointments and drinkings.

This brings to me the topic on drinking. i been spending too much time and money on booze. i know it and recognize its detrimental to both my physique, mental or financial well being. just read an article not too long back on jap researchers finding out that taking a "liver holiday" which roughly means that if you take a break for a few days without a drop of alcohol after some hard drinking, the risk of u contacting alcohol related diseases are down by a huge chunk. therefore im taking a liver holiday. last night for eg, i didnt touch a drop of alcohol while beng and the rest were drinking.

Was thinking of going shopping later. i do need more shirts than the ones i currently have. there are loads of stuffs i wana get but im unsure whether to save it for GSS or just get it now. i think im likely to buy only 2 more shirts to tide things over while waiting for the sale to take shape. honestly while im getting a stable income now, it seems that if im not careful with my spending, things will be like before when i spend incessantly and dont save a dime. that must stop. there is a sudden urge now to buy a watch or that bag she is eyeing for for her. i dunno should i do it. its perplexing to think about that.

We havent met in more than 2 weeks. seems that she is always busy with studies or friends. while its understandable that she would be busy sending her exchange friends off after some crazy and fun time they spent together, i cant help but lament whether its too hard to cede a portion of the time for me. we used to be inseperable. now we just seem to be unable to even see each other. i kept her msgs in my hp and take it out from time to time to look at. no pics of us to look at as she said she hates to take pics but looking at her facebook reveals tons of pics with her frens and other guys while i cant even get 1. she said she still like me (she guess) but that tingling sensation i think is dissipating all the time for her. i still feels alot for her for reasons i can no longer or wish to comprehend.. in my bordom, i did checks on canada, calgary, her university, way of life etc etc. dumb and silly. illogical and stupid. however i know that all these things im doing is unlikely to bear fruits. maybe she will meet me again. but that might be after all her friends are gone and she is feeling bored. can i stand playing not merely 2nd fiddle but the 103th 253th choice? i dont know.. i still miss her and is contriving on a plan to surprise her and make her mine. can it be done? deep down i know and its not a pleasant one.

Im feeling ok. soon i might go out and have "fun" and down shots and glasses of alcohol. then the world will stop looking as ugly and you will start to reminisce lesser and pine lesser. there will be a heighten sense of euphoria while temporary serves as a much needed respite from those bug bears plaguing u. be it fear of exam failure, to missing ur old friends, to work related issues or to missing her.. these will for that moment in time takes a back seat while i start to feel strong and mighty again. "fun" is done with inverted comma because rationally speaking, it should be term escapism. i am constantly trying to escape since my break up with charmaine. not that i still like her however i do wonder whats wrong with my life. there seems to be a huge void in the heart that nothing has filled yet. it is depressing to say the least.

The last time i felt this way, this lousy, i went for a getaway. its good to recharge your mind and body. that is not the true and right solution. what needs to be done is i find my own happiness again. but how? the question lingers.

in school at 4.15am

2007-04-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

It reads 4.15am on the clock and im still in school. strangly im still pretty energized for this timing. my exams are on sat and i remain unmotivated. geesh.. when you know u got 4 months of break (minusing work time) ahead of u, how can u even stay motivated? i know its the final sprint, the last hurdle but yet..

Just had a chat with greta. great feelings.. sana told me she be coming over to spore soon. thats wonderful tidings. i miss them so much. be pretty fun to bring sana around and aso intro her that special canuck of mine.. both from the same town and uni but dont know each other.. apparantly their uni is school to 30000 undergrads. thats like 6 SMUs to put in perspective.

Im not going to china for internship anymore. guess QQ is none the please with it. i do feel guilty in some sense but she has to understand that the internship is for her own future. i shdnt play a part in the decision making process. guess i will make the trip with her to gz as a form of saying sorry and also touring around abit. should be fun to see peipei and robin will be going to gz with his parents around that time. be nice to catch up. lets see how.

1 hour plus more to go before the train starts to run. i have to stay strong.. i will.. a long sleep awaits me when i get home anyway.

missing her.

Disturbing pictures

2007-04-03T06:22:00.001-07:00

A warning.. the following pictures might cause distress and discomfort to some readers. if on an empty stomach, please dont read further. this past year, i have been drinking alot. as a result i have been mixing around with drunkards and more drunkards. the below exposes those caught drunk under my trusted N73 and sony p10.

Victim no 1: Lee Ruifang

Amount of alcohol to reach this level: Approx 3 beers, some whisky, 2 kahlua milk, some weird concortion of kahlua, barcadi, whisky, diet coke and baileys i think..

Location: Carrot's place

Drunk level: 9/10

Victim no 2: Carrot

Amount of alcohol to reach this level: maybe 6 mugs of beer plus 2 wines

Location: Detention class at Valley point

Drunk level: 8.5/10 (he will say its because his sleepy)

Victim no 3 and 4: John and stray dog

Amount of alcohol to reach this level: probably 0.7 litres of vodka plus 2 pure spirit (96% alcohol) for John and maybe 3 vodka for dog

Location: Skiing resort in Poland

Drunk level: 10/10 for both!

Victim no 5 and 6: Tominator and rikard

Amount of alcohol to reach this level: You wont want to know.. maybe 1 litre of concoction of vodka, wine and coke (the cheapest ones available) and 4 beers each

Location: my room in poland (guy in pink is my flatmate)

Drunk level: 9/10 (at the time of picture)

Dreams

2007-03-30T04:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever dream? when u were young, what did you dream of becoming? how did you envisage your life unfolding? do you dream that you become a pop star with thousands of ardent fans clamouring for your attention or a suit up executive wielding enormous powers with thousands of subordinates craning their necks to catch your instructions clearly? or be a successful entrepreneur earning money by the buckets? a lawyer or police to fight for righteous and just?

I had a simpler dream when young. i always wanted a simple, mundane life. i remember wanting to be a firefighter so badly.. the cascading down the pole, the maddening dash to the truck, the heroic act of dashing into a flaming building to rescue the victims, the beads of sweat forming on your forehead, the glory.. it appeals to me. i rem sworing it to be my occupation of choice in future.

All i ever wanted truly is a happy family. a home to return to and a wife to be fussing over. i had imagined a truly blissful life. with a kid or two in tow and a cute little pup fighting for affections, we could all go for one of those walks by the sea. annual holidays to break the monotony, a satisfactory job, a normal japanese sedan and a cosy flat as home. thats all i ever wanted.

Now as i matured and aged, i start to see things differently. i want rich and fame. power and glory. maybe this is due to the fact that, my dreams all along, is fading out from my reach. i dream of being happy.

reflection

2007-03-28T19:46:00.000-07:00

Life had been pretty hectic for the past few weeks.. work, studies and lately relationship and friends been taking a toll on me. the eye bags in my eyes seem to morph into a glandula and my hair been turning white at an amazing pace.. am i whining? on the contrary im not..

This is a period when hard work is neccesitate due to the urge to do well. soon this will be over.. i will soon break free from the safe cacoon of the education haven and thread my first steps in the working world. though i have been working for ages, those are mainly menial and part time jobs that are best left unmentioned.

I have a problem. i like this particular girl whom i dont think i should be liking, rationally. but when is love ever rational? despite my best attempt to sound impartial and strong and determined in my previous posts trumpeting my stand of career first and love takes a back seat, WHEN am i ever rational?? this girl likes me too.. we been going out alot. supper, lunch, dinner, movie, strolling at bontanic garden, studying together, msn, phone chat, sms etc, we are doing it all.. why the troubled outlook?? it is because she isnt sporean. she is an exchange student in spore and will be returning home.. home is canada.. an alienated place. a first world nation. a vast country and ultimately, her home.. i find myself asking this question (and perhaps jumping the gun too early by doing so). will i unroot myself and leave everyone and everything which i stand for behind for love? if u asked me in the past, it would be a resounding yes.. now?? im not sure.. im troubled.. im troubled cos i genuinely wants to be with her.. bless me..

My friends are having problems too. just last night as i was sitting in the car chatting with a close buddy of mine, he told me his life story.. i can see tears welling in his eyes as he struggled to keep check on his emotions.. my eyes were stinging too.. at that point (and even now as im furiously chomping at the keyboard) i so badly want to give him jus a hug and told him everything is fine though i know its not. i didnt give him a hug nor give him a pat on his shoulder. i held strong. not cos im strong but i know two weak doesnt make a strong. his a strong lad but i think there are too many things hinging on his shoulder.. another dear buddy of mine i can see the same soul-less eyes.. he goes to a particular place every day without fail. why? i see it as a place he frequent as it is a nirvana for him. no one knew his past, his respected and love there, under the thumping music, the booze and his exploits in pool make him temporarily detached from his troubles. yet behind the seemingly impenetrable facade he puts on, i see a jaded, tortured being.. he has aged.. the relentless problems and difficulties both these friends of mine had encounted can break a lesser man. im proud of their valliance but yet i feel for them. i cant do much.. except probably stay strong and rational. i will stay strong. for those 2 friends who might be reading this post, heed this.. whenever u feel like breaking, do note that the rainbow is perhaps just the corner. let those who are dear to u but have fallen rest. for they will never want to know their precious is suffering and in pain. be an example for all to follow because someday, we will all reunite again and that will be the time, where union is for eternity.

Im going for an internship soon. yet i really hope not to.. i want to stay and see her more and be with her more and thus know whether we have a future together. a future, our future. furthermore my work is seriously impeded with my absence. it will be hard to hit management level if i leave. to compound my woes, i might be forced to leave due to some contractual problems. it is not so easy. time is tight. i can insist on being a jerk by leaving but its going to strain my friendship with a friend who is going with me and get me alot of flakes from the school officer. this is really a predicament i can do without.

How the next few weeks pan out will affect me directly for a long time to come. i pray for strength and for luck to get an answer i so desired and a blissful ending that will pleased everyone. hands clasped firm, i pray for love.

massacre in NAB

2007-03-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

Round 1

It started with just one bottle.. but we never stop at just one.. soon, the 2nd bottle came out.. arghh.. interesting.. getting there.. the intoxication starts to set in.. head start to swirl.. the 2nd bottle began to empty out. is that enough? only 3 guys are really drinking now.. YF started to get the kick. he smell blood and goes in for the kill. i obliged. the 3rd bottle came out.. NOW im really feeling the effect. hold on hold on.. i got round two being planned. newasiabar is next. i started grasping for air.. suck in my chest as the music began to fade morphing my soul and head into a state of euphoria.

Round 2

Went over to newasiabar with jimmy and spencer.. goody goody.. the view was splendid.. as we sat on the chair, the view was breathtaking... dwarfing over all other structures, this view will take some beating.. at that point, i am still clueless about the actual alcohol level swirling in my blood stream. i rationalise. should be fine.. im fine.. no prob..

Stroll over to adrian peh and exchange pleasanties.. when that is over, its time to duel. loser to put ice inside undies. i lost. and soon i began to experience an exhilarating sensation of chilled privies.. how cute.

Got a message from Jannell. she is free to meet. i half walk, half stumble to find a cab. went to mos to bring her there.. went back to NAB and suddenly the view is so much better. with ur fantasy girl by your side and a beer in hand, this is great stuff. in Borat voice "Niceeee". played the game again with adrian, beng and eric pong. loser drink 1 waterfall.

AGAIN i lost.. fuck. waterfall is going to kill me.. i tried to fade into the background.. not working.. with my huge head and ballooning frame, i stick out like a sore thumb.. sitting duck. shit. before i trudge my soul and body to recieve my fate, i kiss Jannell at the egging from adrian.. "very niceeeeee.." im in estacy..

Soon im jork back to reality.. loser MUST drink.. fine.. i suck in my stomach, nonchalently walk over to the bar with the rest cheering.. with jannell looking on, i told myself.. "You can do it!! impossibility is nothing!" when the bottle burst into a canopy of flame and cascade into the glass below, i panicked.. start to plead for mercy.. pride can be redeem another time.. a hero knows when to retreat.. end result?? i drink.. FUCK!! lost of face and still drink..

After the last drop of sembuca resides, i PUKED! im aghast!! puke!! infront of adrian peh and beng?? this is embarrashing... WORSE?? puked with jannell by my side.. thats a tragic if you ask me.. no one said anything.. think they know im gone. WORST?? i blew $300... not so nice..

There was too many ppl so i cant share cab. walk with jannell to her hostel but halfway, think she recognised the fact im having difficulties walking in a straight line unaided.. relent and we took a cab.

Aftermath

What i like:
- meeting all my favourite buddies like yf, spens, jimmy, chris, fat, beng and all
- NAB's members area
- Seeing jannell

What i love:
- holding the above mentioned girl's hand (niceeeeee)
- kissing her for 2 seconds (very niceeeee)
- having her by my side

What i dont like:
- waterfall
- johnny walker n chivas neat..
- my dry eyes
- puking

What i absolutely abhor:
- spending $300
- lots of johnny walker and chivas neat..
- puking in the PRESENCE of jannell
- waterfall when you are almost gone
- watching her walk back and take the lonely ride back..
-

in class n sleepy

2007-03-14T20:09:00.001-07:00

After lunch with cx and carrot @ a pretty cool jap restaurant, i went for a movie with carrot.. watched "The letters from iwo jima". the horrors of war was strikingly depicted as the full helplessness of the soldiers were shown. given up by their compatriots, their country and hunted by their enemies YET bounded by duty and pride, they fight on. that is courage and bravery.. or is that classic stupidity??

After that went to Ice cold beer with the usual click. was drinking and having fun when i decided to chat up a girl. quite cute and i got her number too. finally i know why is she cute... cos she is young.. too young in fact but thats all right. i dont intend to carry on anything.. after that we went to newton circus for food.. there were too much food and i nearly flipped with all the food and beer straining to break free from my jeans. dieting and slimming progs MUST continue..

Now im in the midst of a lesson. damn boring and sleepy.. the zzz demon beckons.. but today is no easy day.. i got meetings and gym till 10pm minimum.. sad right? work and school add together is a bitch but i will perserve. if you wana be successful, something must go. if it is sleep, then let it be.

I think i need a massage soon.. body feeling very stiff.. my eye bags are heavy and visible too.. the passage of time.. arghh.. i shall not rest. as beng said b4, dead men sleep forever.. i will have all my sleep in times to come.. in the meanwhile, its relentless charge to the top and come what may, nothing is going to stop me.

Side note: there is this cute girl in my class now.. i will try get her number.. soon.

recent developments of me..

2007-03-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

Me proudly holding up the "TOP GRADUATE" award from ITC

Beng from Manulife and me (i hate standing beside him.. look at the size of my head..)

Ok im back.. so what have i been up to the past few months that im away... hmmmm... plenty.. alot of changes plus alot more constants.. lets look through the list..

Constants
- im still in insurance
- im still single
- im still flabby
- im still poor
- im still an undergrad
- im still drinking
- i still have a big head

Changes
- im no longer with Prudential (with Manulife now)
- im no longer hunting for gfs (but flings are welcome)
- i can no longer fit into my pants and shirts (unless under severe duress n uncomfort)
- i will be financially stable soon
- im drinking WAY more
- im 50% undergrad; 50% working

Thats mostly sum up all the changes i experienced. its been really really busy for me especially lately. trying to juggle work and school is NO joke especially during a crucial part like now when project deadlines are creeping near and exams are drawing close. still i have to work. if i cant be the top 15% performers in smu, the other way i can enrich myself is thru work experience. thus i shall give my all for this change of environment.

This period of time i realise that girls are dispensable in my life. it could be that im experiencing love drought for the longest time in my life (after sec 4), it could be i found a goal to strive for that is work, it could be that the girls i met are hardly damn interesting.. whatever the reason is, i have gotten girls out of my system. i still need them but i am not really looking at it now.. WORK come first and then studies, family etc etc. sounds strange coming from me huh? i believe that if a guy is successful and rich, girls will follow. many had criticize my simplistic thinking and warn me over the fact such girls are mere opportunists who crave for someone to leech on. i beg to differ. since beginning of time, guys seek girls who are pretty and shapely while girls simply crave for guys who can afford to take care of the family (i.e. financially). so i see nothing wrong in that.

Terence is my new mgr. this bugger had made a profound impact in my life. he said i remind him when he was young. i beg to differ. he is 100% beng as the pic below will show.. but somehow if i am really like him, i wont mind too.. he is such a self-assured guy.. as im typing self assured, im inclined to put arrogant in.. but this guy is a gem. he is like those old fashion gangsters albeit ang mo pai one.. if u need help, get him. his close friend cum client cum former superior told me that Ter is a guy if u ever need help, u will see him in 15mins. i agree. this guy is someone i will willingly fight with hand in hand. of cos it doesnt help since his a big carrot always spurlging on drinks.. least he read this unlikely it may be, i wana say i dint rip him off. i always pay for other things like cab, food or "waterfalls". the last one is my fault cos i always challenge him to drink. all in all, he is a guy that impact me alot now.. without him to join us for drinking is always boring..

My coming aims for the year... do FANTASTICALLY well in my work while maintaining a GPA 3 for my studies or better. get back in shape since i dont like roundish shape.. be financially wealthy and get a car before my 27th birthday next year.. wish me luck and watch me soar..

Back

2007-03-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

OK Im back.. havent been blogging for eons.. for those who know why or think they know why, keep it as that. secret between us.. our very own personal circle of trust. BUT im back.. lots to update, lots to blog about..

Its more than a year since i touched down at Warsaw with Bartek and Kuba welcoming me at the airport. Huge snowfall, bartek small but fast moving car, kuba's 1k winter jacket.. arghhh... pleasant memories... happy time.. Im going home now from class. BUT i will blog tonite or later. to anyone who still bother to make periodic checks on my blog, YES im back and my world is no longer cold and dark. =)

Another day in paradise

2007-01-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

I thought im stronger, the year is brighter and things are starting to get rosier. i thought wrongly i guess. life is complicated isnt it? im partly to blame. in fact, i should shoulder most of the blame. if im less controversial, less emotional, less cranky and less dastardly, maybe just maybe my life will be simpler.

A interesting question that is on my mind. does being with the person first means he/she is the right one for you? is there something like a queue number where preferences are accorded to the person in the head of the queue?

I think i must be one of those guy who always get this rejection line.. "i like you but you are just too late.." is that comforting? to know im too late thou i qualify as a good suitor? cast your thought to a make belief scenario.. you were running the marathon. you cross the finishing line victorious. you hold your head high, pumping your chests in a show of euphoria. a person walk to you and said.. "sorry sir. the marathon was yesterday. if you were here then and clock this time, you would be the champion."

Am i supposed to be proud that i have the pedigree of a champion? or am i supposed to crouch at a corner and lament over my ill fortune? i hunch my back and deliberate.. should i change? i guess so. i cast my envious glance at alpha male like dh. he will never get into this shit. he is iconed as a bastard. so what? he doesnt get hurt nor confused. life is straightforward for him. in the middle of this whole life cluster, is his own self interests. selfish? nope. thats actually the rational way.

A friend told me im lonely. i think so. but i know the differences between a play fling and feelings involved actions. there were feelings.. there were heartaches.. and honestly, there is now a full bag of regrets. unrequited love.. i miss. i regret. i yearn. i pine for that sensation, that last night to be returned to me.

Xmas

2006-12-28T08:28:00.000-08:00

Being ages since i last posted. was actually thinking of closing this webbie out of sheer laziness and cannot be bothered attitude. i shall not attribute it to a lack of time since everyone knows im online everyday for hours.. however im truly bored now and so shall take the time to type something down not that many cares i reckon.

Xmas has come and passed. had a celebration party at my place since my whole family was away. i rate it a moderate success but the aftermath involved lotsa cleaning including after a certain drunk friend's puke.. TWICE.

Xmas night was worse.. went to fat's manager and colleagues party and was a goner. played some stupid game called passed up and its name practically describe the whole game. however sick the game might be, its still pretty fun. i was targeted but out of sheer stupidity since i was the one who keep trying to "tekan" people.. in the end i was gone.. 4 shots of absinyth(yes the shitty bratislava drink aka the green fairy which is supposed to make u see green fairy after shots of it), 4 beers and NUMEROUS whisky.. yuck.

I also went to genting with a few friends. not spectacular fun but overall, still passable. be going to kl tmr with some of the fun ppl including dh, fat, carrot, carrot's fren and prolly ben. this group seems to be more fun but it might also mean MORE spending. but oh well.. what the hell..

My gpa is officially at 3.01 now.. hahaa. it means a degree with merit. not bad. im only aiming for above 3 and last sem i was really really slacked and i improved which again proved my theory that hardwork doesnt equates good results. school is starting soon and im practically still in hols mood. sleep at 4am wake at 11am den eat den surf and sleep at 2pm till 6pm. stoner lifestyle. must start to adjust myself.. 10more mods to enter the corporate world. no screw up now pls..

Going back Oi tmr (in a few hours actually).. its their closing ceremony and im supposed to give a short speech too. kinda sad at its closure as time spent in Oi has certainly being a highlight in my life. its the passing of times i guess. i will miss it thou. it shall always be in my heart, in my blood.

success

2006-11-29T04:04:00.000-08:00

To all those out there who sent me their well wishes or came down to the wake to give me support, a huge thank you to you all. really appreciate your thoughts and company thru the period. THANKS.

Now is exam period and i jus came back from insurance course. as i was walking, i was wondering how excited it must be to graduate and start climbing the corporate ladder.. been hearing sob stories from so many ppl. from urine to jeremy, to poh, to clar to many others.. however im unduanted and remain optimistic about the career i will be forging in a year's time.

Of course im not saying that it will be a bed of roses or my friends' complaints are bullshit. i do know it will be challenging and it could lead to mental breakdown if u fails. the entree from now on might be thorny but i seriously mean NO harm or malice.

I realised a trend. a worrying pattern. most (i say all actually) of my friends who are unhappy of their jobs are in SMEs or smaller firms. firms with few prospect for growth or minute chance to get astonishingly rich. is it just me or what that unlike those in MNCs and huge corporation who also complained about red tape, huge workload etc, those in the smaller firms got more grouses? i feel that they are underpaid and overworked as opposed to huge firms which despite their workload, at least reward their employees with a fair wage.

I say to those that are unhappy to quit now unless u just joined the firm. ppl like yan. working in that company makes her haggard, stress, impatient, moody, frightful and worst, lower her confidence and esteem. for the pittance that my dear friend is getting, she is slogging her life for unappreciative boss and firm. i know it may not be that easy to find a crushy job with fat pay cheque but its DO-ABLE.

Send out those resumes to the big firms. plan your career route. i know my friends. most of them are not contented with mediocrity. how i know that? from their love life for example. they are still single despite opportunities unfolding.. why? because they fear shortchanging themselves. lets reflect back to the work arena. arent they shortchanging themselves? i know my friends let me remind you again. some of them are capable. some are smart but all are commited workers. all will fight for their respective companies. i say why are you fighting for the companies only? fight for yourself. NOW!

Before ppl start to accuse me of being a lab rat that is a creature still in his comfort zone in school, think again. without flaunting my credentials, i say i am confident i will climb the darn corporate ladder. maybe the route to success is indeed difficult. but my friends have NOT failed yet. they are in their 20s. they have years of experiences in puny firms by now. i say its time we get out of this comfort zone and start to make a difference in your life.

I mean if we are going to get headaches and unhappy over our jobs, at least let it be for a phenomenal pay or promotional prospects right?

demise of my grandma

2006-11-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

I wanted to scream and let up the sorrow i been containing. she was gone. just like that. my grandma is gone for good. i saw her limpless body lying there. her eyes were gone but her face was contorted. it was a sight i will never forget. i cried.

When i was at the old folks home, i thought of not only my grandma but those elderly residing there. how are they feeling that every now and then, the person next to them who was sleeping so soundly the night before is there no more? i saw a staff member silently wipe a tear that was cascading down her cheek.. i asked myself again. what type of job is this that they must face death at those they being caring for? and once the old folk is brought in, death will be an inevitable end. both the elderly occupants and their caretakers must be thinking the same. death is the old folks only way out of the home. i cried.

I saw her lifeless body lying on the stretcher. her face and body after being touched up by make up artiste, was a tranquil and peaceful sight. i struggled and choke with emotions. i held firm. i made my way to her. i touched her for the last time and whispered to her. goodbye grandma. tears form again. i cried.

Suddenly i think of the life she had led. she might never had been in love before. she might never felt the true bliss of family before. she never study much and she didnt achieved much. maybe to her, this life had been a real waste, a real shambles. my heart was pining for her. tears were pricking at my eyes. my head started to get heavy and the whole seriousness of this issue bogged down on me. she is gone and will never be back. i choked with emotions.

I saw plenty of relatives gathering. some cried while they saw her body. silent wails could be heard. i stared at the sky. pondering where she is now? is she smiling at me from somewhere and telling me subtly that she is fine and she has finally found her peace?

After awhile, the chatters and laughters resumed. seemingly nonchalent, most went about their tasks. the young laugh and played. the older grandchildren was forming a clique. the grown ups were discussing the circumstances of her death and possible 4d numbers that might be given from her to bless them. i wish to shout. i cant. im junior in ranking.

Can anyone understand how i feel? i doubt. personally i dont know too. guilt of not doing enough, comfort at her release from pain, sorrow at the thought of losing someone who is so dear to me, i dont know. i know something for sure. in time to come, she will be a passing memory for all those concerned. looking at the scenes during the wake, her being forgotten and left behind by all would be a distinct possibility in a not too distant future. i cried again.

I miss you and if there is ever a chance again, i say..
Please let me be your grandson again.
RIP Grandma aged 82

Nightmare in double o..

2006-11-12T05:50:00.000-08:00

I keep harping on how trustworthy i am at promises and how much i value them. it suddenly dawns on me i being breaking alot of promises. to worshen things, i break the promises made to arguably the most important person of all.. me. i promised myself to drink less and stop clubbing for some time.. but nope.. my resolution last till a mighty 12am before i succumb and meet up with yanz and the rest including mh.

Officially declare mh as the girl that all guys should strive to have. matches looks with nice characters.. there are pretty faces out there but not all are both nice to look at and eludes wonderful personality.

When i got there however all of them are drunk.. level of drunkness as followed.

Ziliang > 9.5/10
Mh> 9/10
Qimin> 8.5/10
Yanz and GY> 7/10

they went off first in zl's posh mercs. his a nice chap and his RICH. nice catch. wont begrudge him if he manages to win mh. he deserves her anyway..

I stayed on with hunky.. went off for awhile and when i went back to the dance floor, i had a hard time locating him. when i am finally done, its scary.. he was dancing with 2 girls. both are not attractive especially one who looks straight away at home among horror shows. she is the top 3 ugliest/horrendous girl in the dance floor.. i was mortified..

At first it was alright.. i was dancing with the not so attractive but not so scary girl. she is tall so i can try imagine she is caixia. so i closed my eyes and danced with her. feeling is PASSABLE. guess what? she told me her friend need to go off. im like okae.. i wont miss alot anyway.. BUT here is where the real drama unfolds..

The horrendous top 3 ugliest ger ask wc whether she can swop dancing partners (to me!!).. when wc proposed to me that, i was aghast.. i cant say no cos its like damn bad for her.. so i agreed BUT i was standing at a distance away..

She move closer and closer to me.. held my hands n dance.. she smiled at me and the extent of her ugliness astonished me. she got bad bad teeth. dont be evil i think.. trying to block out all imagery.. i shut my eyes and tried to think of someone else.. fantasizing that its some hot babes im dancing with..

It didnt help.. suddenly she grab my butt and pulled me closer towards her.. her ample bossom heaving against me.. i was almost in tears.. too distraught to rationalise properly, i started to weigh my options.. ahhh.. maybe i can sms zhu to rescue me from this doldrum.. i sms her but freak she didnt reply.. she wld later blame me for giving her too much alcohol thus rendering her.... high.

DAMN.. seconds passed.. my heart was pounding rapidly.. blood and feeling was rapidly being drain out from my manhood.. i started to feel weak.. i pondered again.. tried to send out a sos signal to wc.. he was in estacy dancing with the not so ugly girl. he even shifted somewhere else for "optimum pleasure" i supposed.. i crack my brain struggling to come up with a solution that will not make the girl too embarrash but yet rescue me from this predicament..

Suddenly a frightening thought came to me... What if.. What if there is a SMU friend in the club?! what if someone saw me dancing with THIS girl... oh my... my conscience and thoughtfulness of not embarrashing her ended then. i CANT be seen with her. my future happiness will be in ruins. NO ONE will ever want to be associated with me again. PERIOD.

I recollect my emotions and mustered every single bit of bravery, i excused myself saying the classic excuse of going to the toilet.. i add in a "dont worry. i be back soon" for optimum effect. i used to get this sort of excuses quite often too.. of course i WONT be back.

I went to the toilet.. changed my mind as there was no pee anyway.. hovered around the drink area.. plotting my next step.. should i go back?? should i sacrifice myself for wc?? i think not.. i went to zhu.. and stayed with her.. soon wc came to me and told me a totally amazing, improbable news... the 2 girls had moved away..

Apparantly the fat ugly girl is......... attached.. Grasp... Kill me right now..

I puke..

2006-11-05T23:55:00.000-08:00

Went to MOS on sat. last time i went think only i stayed sober.. on sat, only i get drunk.. damn.. puke in the taxi and was feeling aweful the next day. its official.. gin tonic is the worst drink u can put inside your mouth. give me herbal tea anytime. its that horrible..

Worst alcohol ever list
(1) Gin Tonic
(2) Absynth
(3) Bourbon coke
in descending order..

not only sat was damaging to the liver, its equally damaging to my wallet. damage done? $200.. back to poverty mode.. damn.. plus i too lazy to go office to do my case. its taking a freaking long time. damn pissing!!

battle cry

2006-10-31T04:28:00.000-08:00

Life is hectic. my life is hectic. yanz life is hectic. frog's life is hectic. clar's life too. plus endless smu muggers' life.. its as if u r chasing for an end. but is there an end? will there be an end? when it seems that u have reached ur destination, it seems to start from square one again.

You get smack to where u came from and the whole cycle repeats. will you find peace? will you find bliss? will you ever find back your soul? your freedom? i doubt there will be an end to this all. the hustle bustle of life. the stress of work. the burning ambition to achieve something, to fulfill something.

You get suck along this maddening quest to find that elusive goal. comforting yourself all will end soon and you will find back yourself. allaying your niggling fears that all these work, these stress, these "pulling out your freaking hair", "screaming at that farker who stood in your way" will be worth it. all these caffeine you piled yourself with will be rewarded. will you?

I dont know if its worth it. but i know its life. no wails, no sobs are necessary or useful. the world will never stop spinning for me or you. its either you continue this rat race, this quest or you get left behind, get forgotten.. im not going to do that. i used to be satisfied with a normal hdb, normal saloon car lifestyle. not anymore. if life is a game, a fight and a quest, ultimately i must and will be victorious!

Towards the path of glory i march on. to new frontiers i seek!

2 girls on my thoughts

2006-10-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

Urine asked me to update my blog.. i thought long and hard about it but nothing comes to mind. i calm down and wonder again.. what interesting activities or occurence that might be of juicy bits to readers? still no luck... i delved into it deeper.. ahhhh.. something did happen..

I chatted with char few days back. not to be confuse by pretty face clar, its charmaine i conversed with the other day. its as if nothing change about her. the bubbly personality, the chirpy self, the replies in jest.. seems to turn back time to u know that fated two years back. only of cos she was then MY gf but she is someone's else partner now.

No no.. im not about to retreat into my shell again and grieve over what could have been. the incessant whining had ceased. the tear glands are no long operational. the memories while distinct, is slowly losing its importance. the feelings? tough qn but no im not like craving her return but i do think of her. but guess its a mixture of loneliness coupled with a lock in memory mechanism that forces me to still lament over that fateful day.

Im not really missing her per se. just talking to her is like a breath of fresh air. but she is living well. thats all that matter. anyway the heart had long stop beating for her.

Ok now moving on to another girl. Clar. the IT girl of the moment. i do not know if she be reading this but here goes. this is a girl that is simply irrestible to guys if u look at her face. really sweet, really pretty. her voice can melt the most hardened soul's heart.

However its funny how much contradicting feelings a guy might have for her. outlook wise she scores DAMN high. princess like, doeful eyes, black long (reasonably though its longer prev apparantly) hair, pale pink lips.. get the idea?

Beyond this facade, hides a girl that is both mystifying and endearing me all the same. brutally blunt, she can and will (if she wants to), chip away at ur self confidence and gnaw on ur sensitive soul. you get pissed. temperature rising, u swore to yourself "i will not bother with her again." but something about her snatches at you. force u to rethink. is this jus a front she is putting up to fend away from the incessant attentions she is recieving? is it just work related blues? etc etc..

You soften. take a look at her pic, your anger subside further. u rationalise irrationally(oxymoronic i konw), someone that looks so angelic couldnt be that unreasonable. get to know her better. chip away at that cold frosty exterior. who knows what you may find? who knows u might find a girl who not only look as good as an angel, but behaves like one too??

Do such perfection exists? if it does, will it falls for a mortal like me? who knows? i know weirder things happen in life. i wander into far fetched fantasy where everyone lives happily ever after.

facets of life

2006-10-17T06:35:00.001-07:00

Have u wonder why do good guys finish last? no matter what girls claim about the attractiveness of snags and metrosexual, in the end i think its all bullshit. alpha male are still in vogue and look likely to remain so. fair enough as girls get older, their mentality might shift and begin to appreciate such guys. however in this context it seems to badder u r, the more chicks u dig.

I am not always such a nice guy to all girls. not surprisingly, those i ill-treated sticks to me and remained at my beck and call. u think someone like me who had it the hard way will learn to appreciate them right? on the contrary i dont. take them for granted and ask them out when im bored.

Shouted at them for being late, keep out a fuss for their occasional indifferences, staying aloof if they did something against my wishes. to surmise, i was a bastard. guess what? girls flocked to me. seemingly charm out of their wits by my oh sooo dastardly ways. is this kharma i wondered aloud.

Is there reasons to be sad when you never ever own anything? i dont know. the burning sensation in your heart scream for a reprieve. signs of a weak male. i know. i admit and i say it now. if being overly concern and sensitive is a crime, sue me. i awaits for the sentence on me.

Being a wuss? Guilty as charged. Sentence? more loneliness and piles of misery. Avenues for appeal? None.

I sink back into oblivion.

My friend- RF the pesky pest

2006-10-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a friend who clamour to be blog about in YOUR own blog? yeap a platonic friend who incessant bugging has finally seen me relenting and blog a little about this young lass which is slowly but surely becoming a good buddy of mine.

I guess she expects me to write good stuffs about her. its akin to writing a testimonial about a friend in YOUR own blog. hows that for narcissism? im cracking my head on how best to blog about a friend. avid readers (thou not many left) of my blog will struggle to identify me blogging about a FRIEND. yeap. im still gripping over this and remains baffled as to why i give in to her request?

Least some of you start volunteering that i am carrying a touch or having some form of fetish about her, holy cow.. thats NOT true and so NOT going to happen.

This friend of mine hails from a long time back. she was my junior in OI time. then she puts powder on her neck with her "blackness" amplifying the effect. everyone please go yeewww.... yeap how can any self respecting girl do that? hahaa... but thats an image of her that will stick with me.. johnson baby powder = ruifang's black neck dashed with a sprinkle of white.

She can get unbelievably loud and violent. she was shouting that she like this particular guy in zouk some time back.. when we try to hush her, she retorted whether its wrong to like a guy? oh my.. she either has low self-worth or she is incredibly brave in voicing her love. what about those numerous chops she will rain down on others' chests and arms when she is drunk? dont see she frail frail, when she hit its as if u get slap by a volleyballer spiking! its freaking painful and dont start with me being a gu niang and cant take blows cos its really incredibly PAINFUL.

Hmmm.. im supposed to blog about her good points which im struggling to find. but teasing aside, she is really a wonderful friend who besides being lazy (no car rides then she is usually hestitant to come out), obnoxious (wakes u up when u r still sleeping while she continues to laze in bed), violent & bashful (please refer to the top) etc, she is also damn filial (whoever wakes up in the wee hours to sell prawn noodles?), cute (according to her slowly burgeoning army of admirers abeit a little blind), nice to chat with (i STOPPED chatting on phone since im 14 years old and thats more than a decade ago but that night she asked to chat with me so we did & i feel as if i was transported to when im still a little boy..), sporty (we two once combined and beat 2 GUYS in bball which of cos i contribute most of the points), innocent (wana kiss and hug a certain carrot but doesnt dare admit) etc.

Whats most miraculous about our friendship? we get reacquainted after i returned from poland in Phuture.. she can still recognise me which means only 1 thing.. my attempt in handsoming myself seems like a futile attempt.. oh well.. the world is never perfect anyway..

Retired from vball

2006-10-14T06:46:00.001-07:00

Its official.. i have quit competitive volleyball.. maybe for good. starting of a new beginning for me. SMU and former OI number 13 player is officially retired.

please dont wear fur.

2006-10-06T11:41:00.000-07:00

How could you do this to me?
looking at you with my soulful eyes,
screaming and pulling at the cage?

How could you flung me to the ground,
as if im a doll and doesnt feel pain or terror?

How could you have sold your soul,
to the devil just to make a few more bucks on tearing my skin?

Did you forget i feel pain too? i fear too?
When i see my friends before me forcibly pluck from the cage and thrown to the floor with all your might?

The lucky ones die early. While those tougher one like me grasp for air and fight a pointless fight?
Slowly you cut off my craws..

That hurts... it really do.. i wanted to struggle.. air was suck out of me.. i could feel blood ozzing from my body..
My body starts to get cold and stiff.. Still my misery isnt ended..

Why dont you just chop off my head? or pierce a knife into my heart and twitch it tight? Why not end my misery once and for all?

Was it becos you needed my fur whole? was it becos devil had harden your heart and make you impervious to the immerse pain you are causing me??

Slowly you take a clipper and hang me by the beam.. you cut thru my legs and pull off my skin while im still frantically trying to comprehend what is going on?

Onlookers flashes out their cameras and start shooting.. some was cheering for my slow march to death.. i start to stare at you with my eyes.. body trembling and fraught with suffering.. i promise you. may you die a horrible death.

Because.. how could you? why would you.. I shut my eyes for the final time.

I was reading my friend's blog when i came across this video of a couple of small bears getting skinned alive for their fur. their actual sufferings surely pale in comparison to my literacy efforts. I could see the pain in their eyes.. its haunting me.. a tear drop form in my eye. then another.. it was sad.. the poor creature live through the whole process.. from watching their fellow animals getting slain, to their turn.. they were still struggling even when the skin were pulled out from the head which started at their legs.. i pray for them and i curse the perpetrator for their sins..

To any readers who may be reading this..

PLEASE DONT WEAR FUR.. please..

http://my.so-net.net.tw/sirwang/fur.wmv

musings

2006-10-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

Very often in life, there will be individuals who u love and cherish dearly but does not reciprocate your love and those who did everything for you possible and does not expect any returns, but yet you turn a blind eye too.. i ask myself frequently. is it important to be with someone you love more or someone whom love you dearly?

Recently, 2 of my secondary school friends ask me out as they are experiencing problems in their love lives. they were seeking advice but its kinda contradicting that a failure in rs like me is dispensing advices. something about their tales drew me back to the time where i experienced both love and heartbreaks.. i knew inspite of what i told them, ultimately they will never have the courage to let go. are they cowardy for failing to acknowledge the failings of their rs? im not sure.. you see.. i was once like them.

I am perpetually grappling and struggling with the concept of love. dearly want to be love again but yet times and times again, i failed. pretending to be truly satisfied with my current lot is tough. i long for the day where i will fuss over my gf whether she eaten her dinner or whether she is having a headache. i pray for the day that when im joyous and triumphant, i can call someone to share with it. i miss the days where there is someone lying on my chest and listen to my heartbeat while i stroke wispful of hair falling over her face.. i missed being love and able to love.

While some may blame my self imposed "exile" from love on myself, either by setting improbable targets or backing off at the last minute after reminiscing over my past, this is not a deliberate ploy on my part. the next girl that enters my life must be the one. i can no longer comprehend the possibility of failure. though im merely 25, i honestly doesnt have much time left to make more mistakes ditto the heartbreaks.

Even though i honestly long to be love again, the career path and my future route being planned seemingly render being attached a liability. im going to lead a overseas community project next year. i also hope to secure an overseas internship soon. when i graduate, i might wish to see the world by being an air steward for a year or 2. all these travellings might complicate my life if im in love. i know myself well. if i am attached, i will no longer carry out most of these tasks.. will i blame myself then if my rs didnt work out? surely i wont be able to turn back time then and lose my opportunity to further myself abroad.

I hate to say this but i might be turning alcoholic. while i used to drink to fit in a group, i drink now because i like it. i like the feeling of feeling high. the swirling in your head, the pounding in your chest, the weakening of your limbs and most of all, the fading of memories abeit temporarily that you desperately seek to erase.

If i cant find a girl i love who love me back, which is better?? love or be love?

bottie arrival

2006-10-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

Botermann was here for 3 days. Its being ages since i last saw him from warsaw. was really happy to see him. brought him to marina south to have steamboat. he was really happy and excited by it n gorge himself silly on prawns n mussels. kinda reminisce kuba in the way he was eating. the excitement, euphoria and more obviously, the huge amount..

We went to caesers with a couple of others like chris, opy and bf, waychong etc to drink first. opened 2 bottles of vodka and its like good ol times. after getting really high, we went to MOS. it was a rip roaring night with more booze flowing at the club.

Huiwen was pissed drunk. she passed out in the female toilet n i went in and carry her out. she was way heavier than i thought. i slip and hit myself on the floor.. knee swollen. not a good sign. but i huff and puff and carried her outside safely. hw became prettier since years ago.. not only that, wc, carrot head and jap chinese puke too.. u can imagine how crazy it is.. and yeap i overspent..

Brought jap back to hostel n let him take the bed and i hit the floor.. he puke on the floor and my shoe but luckily not on me.. all in all its a crazy fun night.. really love it.. hate the spending part thou..

The next day i went back home to try complete some work. met up with bottie and brought him to chomp chomp (with frog n mk). after that we went to tour malay village which is having a bazaar coincide with hari raya. to me its boring though.. went for durian but bought the lousy grade one. huge mistake. the durians are really horrible.. u pay for what u get..

Went back to hostel and drank with a couple of backpackers there. was a laid back night and watch dodgeball for the 2nd time. today brought him to chinatown, boat quay n took a mrt tour around the island. he came to my place n had dinner.. had since sent him to the airport and he should be on his way to koh samui now..

Really happy that he came but also sad.. cos i had to bear the wrench of us parting a second time.. bottie is a wonderful fren to me. we may be so unlike in looks, nationality and even thinking, but his a really precious part of my memory in poland. i dont know if i ever get to see him again but i sure hope i will do.. even if we never meet again, he will always be in my heart having being a part of my life, my adventure in europe. till we meet again, adieu.

bored in smu

2006-09-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

I wonder where they come from..

some of them peering through those thick specs of theirs feigning interests in what were being said.

Normally immaculately dressed, well mannered and attentive..

Seems to have a grip of the ongoing events and those young and ambitious around them.

Working only 8 months a year and 6 hours a week. Yet they are paid $10,000 upwards. What a life..

I do wonder where they originate from..

This sense of constant monotony in their voices, lack of originality in their jokes, blatant flaunting of experiences that may or may not be applicable anymore and most often then not, the bordom they exudes..

Yes im talking about SMU profs. judging by their deadpanned expressions, i gathered..
They must be from NTU (or NUS).

Test, project and smu

2006-09-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

Its back... the days grew darker.. the place gradually filed out of people.. more and more walk away from these all.. the place became quieter. silence filled the air only interrupted by the constant churning of the air conditioned. it started to get eerie..

There are some remaining souls from this whole hurly burly.. this tustling and grappling with your inner selves. some couples look wistfully into each other and begin to walk slowly towards darkness. they disappeared into the safe cover of darkness not long later..

I begin to flip through the pages starting at a canter then rapidly tearing at the pages furiously.. no time left.. im still stuck in school revising.. back from poland, straight to the frying pan.. IE test tmr..

Project >> isnt it amazing some people can be friends but never do work or projects together? those bad habits begin to rear its head.. u start getting exasperated when the devil's advocate fired off a comment laced with venom. scrowling and sneering at you as if u just ditch her and boast to the whole world your conquest of her and her bed performance, it hits you to think that perhaps 4 weeks ago, your still chummy with each other? work, pressure and grades bring out the monster in each and every of us. for me i would willingly fuck the grades to continue have a wonderful group where u can solve the probs tog and support each other..

SMU is really a bullshit school aint it? creating a hype and boasting about its achievement, i fear it would turn into a fab real soon.. the quality of education is bullshit. i dont feel intellectually stimulated at all. the only good thing is that it forces u to work in an environment where friends turn into foes but yet u have to grind it thru all. just like the office politics in the worklife. perhaps thats what make u so valuable.. i have decidede. smu dont roxs at all.. on the contrary it stinks... period.

TEAM SMU

2006-09-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

After the ref had blown the final whistle, the curtains fall temporarily on SMU vball team. final result. played 3 lose 3 for guys team but the girls managed to sneak in 1 victory over SIM. it was a dramatic finale as the game was stretched to the 5th set befor the gers finally get a gripe of themselves and prevailed.

Even though we lost all our games, i am happy and satisfied. for the first time since i joined vball, there is this sense of camaraderie between the 2 teams. the guys came early to watch the girls and the girls stayed behind to cheer for us. it was almost surreal that not long before we were practically tearing on each other's backs. but all well ends well.. now we can go on and tell ppl we are TEAM SMU. not merely a group of vball fanatics but a team, a family.

This feeling beats being the champs. however on hindsight, i have never being involved in a championship team before. this show of friendship and unity is still heartwarming too.. hope this friendship can continue to last.

With the conclusion of this tournie, i will have more time to study and do other things. its really tiring to play till 11ish then go home. coupled with work and my own personal recrea, its starting to drain the life out of me. luckily its over but the sad thingy is that my exams are coming starting from IE next tues.. sigh.... it just never ends huh..

So after the hits and misses, the spikes and digging, the blocks and rolling on the floor, Team SMU might be beaten as a vball team but we gained the respect and friendship of each other. Roll on SMU.

Updates on my life

2006-09-09T00:02:00.000-07:00

Being a long time since i last blog.. time had being a real rare commodity for me. school, competition, work, going out with friends and trying to meet girls had being a real test for me. trying to balance everything and excel in it seems to be a improbable task. still i survive and share my experiences with you.

School. tough. real tough. this sem i havent even settled on my project group members yet. consumer behaviour module is turning out to be a bitch.. the group members seem ok but its like a headless group as there is no leader. i dont wana assume the mandate to lead. i guess i just wana spend my remaining time in school in peace.. cute ger had deserted our team as her friends are joining the class and she is forming group with her. im kinda pissed but she pacified me by inviting me for movie. im easily contented aniwae..

Work. ok. no time to really go into it. managed to close ms gan i think. so not bad. however one orphan client whom i think would buy from me, had second thoughts thus no deal. too bad.. i spent significant time on him and.... oh well in this line before the client signs on the dotted line, its still to early to count your chickens..

Competition. suffered a debiltating loss to nus and ntu. nus's loss hits me hard. i really played very badly. wished the whole floor will swallow me up.. played better against ntu but against such an accomplished team, a win is just impossible to achieve. to conclude. 2 huge losses..

Love. or the lack of it. tried dating a few girls i guess. the feelings are not special. maybe its due to the severe shortage of time i have or i still pine for her in a corner in my heart. her meaning my dream girl and not my ex. but i will let that dream rest. its never going to materialise. out of my league so let it be out of my mind soon..

All in all though i b being bitching about the chronic lack of time, i am actually quite blissful in this situation. this alleviates my loneliness and negates my pining to be loved. under the mantle of such compelling activities, i seem to forgotten about my desire to be loved and love again. or have i really forgotten?

memories of my friends

2006-08-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

Yay.. im officially back in insurance. finally i can start to bug ppl again. license to bug. went clubbing twice this week. on fri i went zouk with haolun. later rob turned up and we went drinking at caesers. damn the cute teacher is not working there so oh well... we stayed till closing and after that we went to my place to sit at the neighbourhood and drink. its being a long while i felt tipsy. hl was as usual knock out cold and was lying on his chair. rob and i continued our relentless pursuit for glory. you see. we have yet to finish the competition who is the tougher drinker. he representing germany(since he went there) and me of cos turning pole for a moment. same competition same result. no clear winner again and we have to settle this some other time. damn. but honestly he is tough and i might have met my match.. tsk.

Hmm.. in my bordom and quest to dissipate the bordom creeping up, i went and read about addonion's blog. as usual, its littered with the "wo ai ni. ni bu ai wo. i love god" entrees. no slights to him but maybe he need to diversify. then suddenly something hits me.. this bugger is pretty good at writing poems or rythmes or what so ever u term it.. hahaa.. so it makes me wonder. i must challenge him so here is my attempt to try beat him. its called "my friends"

He is fat. he is hairy.
he can get pretty damn funny.
He loves to eat. he loves to pool.
worst thing of all, he doesnt like liverpool.

She is my buddy ugly or not,
she seems to think i am cock.
i used to wonder why is she single
den i realise legs too big, hard to mingle.

He is short, strong and stocky.
he is filled with many injuries.
Take a camera, point and shoot,
he is damn good picturing u look good.

He wear specs, is skinny and fair.
he love his girls slender and long hair.
He is decent, doesnt watch porn,
if he is not careful, he will die a virgin.

She jogs, rows and swims,
she is however not yet so thin.
She is nice but scare of mice.
I wish she will forever be with that guy.

She is short, aloof and strange,
you'll never know what is she thinking.
One time shouting, one time silent.
I used to see her as a sex siren.

He is smart and being to germany,
oh yes ur right, he is volleyballer robin.
he loves a muslim and she loves him,
a tricky relationship, lets pray he gets to keep his skin.

He dig, spike and set,
he is always soaking with sweat.
used to hate him, wana beat him,
Now i find him refreshing as a mint.

I got many many friends,
but i got to end.
If you are not named,
dont get too peeved.
Its not that i dont love or value you,
Just that i need to stop now and go to take a piss.

Part 2 of hit posting

2006-08-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

After the relatively success (alot of frens msn me to congratulate me on my blunder and all were relatively euphoric at my worst attempt to date a girl out. period) of my previous entree "I saw, i went and i screw out", i had the misfortune to type the 2nd part of the entree for your collectively amusement now.. drumrolls... tadammm..

I though i might never contact her again least meeting her. i did however and did i fare better this time round? i dont think so. a blunder of nerves again and i shink deeper into self-destruction at least when pertaining to chasing her that area. sigh..

After that debacle, i thought hard over it. should i let it go and curse myself for being a premature loser or try again and risk being a perpetual loser? tough choice when the ultimate end results seem to resonate the same thing.. a loser.. i hate that term but miracle still exists. or so i thought.

First i msged her again. itchy fingers and the unbearable urge to contact her again gets the better of my pride and clouded my judgement. her replies were normal but thats good as it mean she still treats me at least as a friend. in fact her sms stirred me into actions as i seek to try win her over again.

Last night, we all (meaning urine n min) went out again. mei hua came along i joined them late. i know the vballers are not going to be pleased since i pang seh them for this outing.. i also did not try to meet my swedish girl. i know im chee hong but rest assured.. its only cos its her i do this. other girls, i will never miss the vball meeting... hope the vballers are not too crossed with me cos i think they may be.. sigh.

So did i enjoyed our meet together? im tornt to answer this. on one hand of cos im happy to see her again and etc. on the other hand however, i further didnt cover myself in glory with my stupidity and abysmal performance again. i couldnt look at her or talk without stuttering.. its so freaking frustrating when i knew im not like that in reality..

I think she might be looking at my blog soon. i am actually a little bit confused on what to write. hmm.. i guess i will not pursue this further le ba.. some may asked.. what can u promised to someone who is already working, of a marriageable age while u continue to be stuck in the rat chase for a piece of paper?? i thought long and hard over it.. i suck at talking face to face i guess (to her i mean)..

So if she happens to look at this, these are the rewards she will get for accepting me(should a miracle happened)..

1 = lots of love, care and concern
2 = free flow of hugs and kisses
3 = understanding and a shoulder to cry on if the need arises
4 = 50% off all insurance products (since thats the comm i be getting)
5 = a driver to her favourite destinations for 2 years. contract to be renewed after that
6 = secrets on urine, min and everyone else in nbss for her amusement
7 = 2 workdays unless she want to meet more
8 = lots of pressies
9 = medical benefits (cap at the maximum of my bank account)
10 = travel visits annually (subjected to my bank account balance again)
11 = her punching bag if she gets frustrated in work
12 = promises to dress up, talk sensibly (no crapping and making a fool of myself) during the presence of her friends and remained in shape till age and beer gets the better of me
13 = others terms are negotiable (stop at 13 cos its my fav no)

As you can see, she got herself a very very good deal should she accept my application. i doubt so she will bite the bait. for readers readying themselves for a part 3 version, i guess they be disappointed.. the rot stops here. i am a person not highly noted for my patience. as i can sense no interests whatsover in her of me, i shall count my losses and retreat. a defeatist mentality no doubt.. but when faced with such a formidable adversary, you need to do some soul searching and infer. is there a possibility of the result u want to ever materialise?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. i guess i took 3 steps already. the path ahead is fraught with uncertainties and almost certain failure.. i guess i am not the sort that will wana trawl a thousand miles b4 i concede defeat.. i will concentrate on making money now le ba..

Pss.. If you are the one im describing about and thinks im very wrong in my assessment, my mobile is on 24/7 to accept that sms.. thanks.

AFPA

2006-08-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have had feedbacks from some of my blog readers.. they seem to unanimously agree i should stick to writing comedies and shun away from tragedic tales. i was shocked.. how on earth could they expect a guy who is fast earning a reputation from being a failure in love to excel in writing about hilarious accounts? would i have so much happy stuffs to blog about? then it hits me and suddenly the picture becomes clearer and less hazy. they did NOT say they want me to blog about happy incidents. they want me to pen about FUNNY incidents..

So tell me what constitutes good ol' funny incidents? these elements must be present. first, they must be a good plot. in layman terms, there must be a flow and twists in the story are encouraged. second, they must be a woman on board. uh huh.. they seems to believe my whole world is revolving around the female gender. technically speaking however, they are not wrong in stating that. tsk. third, there must be a victim and in almost ALL cases, that victim would be yours truly- ME! fourth, the more embarrashed, upset, hurt, jilted etc etc i felt, the better. thats called something like "put stones in the well" or just luo jing xia shi.. so there u have it. the necessary ingredients to generate laughter abeit at my expenses..

I happened to have this unfortunate and most shambolic incident cursed on me just now. to urine, it was funny.. it tickles her funny bones but torment my soul.. what happened??

It was a sunny and bright day. today is Singapore's national day. at the inquest of urine, i followed her to watch the parade. i couldnt forget my first parade. i found my first gf.. i was so touched by the singing of anthems, something stirred in my heart and i remembered being so proud at being singaporean for 3 full hours. to cut it short, that was a perfect parade then. i had high hopes that this time round, it will be good too. to cut things short, it didnt. and this particular incident contribute to no small part in that..

The door was about to close. The bus was choke full of passengers but typically Singaporeans' behaviour dictate that at that sudden moment, someone had to make a dash for it and hell yah.. i was right.

An old couple boarded the bus. male suspect-- around 60 years in age. old, tasteless(later i shall explain why) and horny. female suspect-- chinese(china chinese), 40 oddish in age, fat and repulsively ugly. hold your swearings at me for being superficial. i betcha will symphatise me and send me your condolences later.

The bus was packed to the seams. it was really uncomfortable. somehow something doesnt feels right but i just cant pin point what. uh har.... suddenly i realise what was troubling me.. its that fat lady behind me(female character). she was like grindling her humongous arse at my thigh area(ME as victim). conciously or maybe the bus was too packed caused her to perform this heidous act on an innocent boy(me again).

I was really really uncomfortable.. twisting and jostling for a better (further away from her) space, i turned around and was back facing her. huge mistake. this seems to stir and galvanise her into actions. packing every ounce of fats and calories into her that huge arse, she was literally backing into me, her arse against my back. yuckz~

As the bus roars ahead, she started to gyrate against my back. i was in shock. so this is how you feel when you are violated.. i struggled to keep my tears in check as the gravity and magnitute of the situation unfolds.. i was being molested in the freaking bus by a fat, ugly, obnoxious, ugly, fat, replusive cheena chinese AUNTIE! in the presence of everyone (including the old blind uncle who has prolly "bao" her. this explains why he is blind as im pretty certain that those sweet young things in vietnam are gazillion times more appealing than the one he was carressing and trying to kiss! fuck! but oh well.. niche product for niche market so i shall not question his taste.

there was a particular turn. it was not too sharp and the bus was NOT travelling at break neck speed.. this fat, ugly, replusive, obnoxious, heidous auntie conveniently felt that the bus was too fast and shaky for her to remain still. like a huge ball of fats, she proceeded to bump into me continuously for maybe 30 seconds. oh those sceptics out there may question, how tough can that 30 seconds be? its mightily long! every second was inching forward at a sub-sub micro second rate and i nearly, very nearly puked.

Urine was either oblivious to my misfortune or she was just to smug and gloating over it silently. she even asked whether i can stop turning cos she doesnt want to smell my arm pits. as if she can smell anything bad especially since i already sprayed oddles of Hugo Boss Emotions on me.. damn.. it could have being that fat ugly lady smell.. must be!

Before i proceed, i must hasten to add.. i got nothing against fat people. in fact i love them as they give me confidence in myself so NOPE i am not AFPA(Anti Fat People Association) member. nor am i against old couples trying to kiss in public. i might consider them soooo sweet if they had just kiss in the park away from my view. i am definitely not against china gers.. some are drop dead cute (eg. zhang zi yi) and nice (eg. one former classmate of mine in TP). okae maybe i dun really like those with armpit hairs.. but im OKAE with it if they dont let me see it. that prolly keep them warm in winter anyway and i am not against grindling each other.. i do this in clubs with girls too and yeap i do enjoyed that.. BUT BUT BUT.. I AM TOTALLY ABSOLUTELY 100% AGAINST FAT, UGLY, OBNOXIOUS, OLD CHINA AUNTIE GRINDLING ME!!!

Ok my stand had been adequately clarified i hope. finally i can see utopia. i can see light. the bus came to a halt and the door opened.. the old uncle tried to hug her before letting her go as if afraid some knights in shinning armour will come and take her prize possession away. he can keep her im sure.. but then again, she can keep him too.. good combi.

I garner my remaining strength and walk out from the bus. tears was beckoning in the horizon as i contemplate my fate of being violated by someone like her.. shall i report this to police? i am too shy for that.. so all i can do is to hung my head in shame and check my emotions even though i am the victim here. sigh.. tragic..

Reflections

2006-08-05T23:02:00.001-07:00

Hospital (building for the treatment of the ill and injured)

That above is the definition provided by Times-Chambers dictionary. All of us think we knew the meaning of hospitals. Do we? Behind that gray building and facade, do we honestly understand the true meaning of hospitals? Behind that wall, can we sense the sorrow and tears of families whose kins and friends had departed untimely? Can we soak in the elations and jubilations of those who have make a recovery miraculously?

3 days ago, when I was there to visit my granny I saw this old lady. laying motionlessly on her bed with every bit of her breath and life being drained relentlessly from her. Today she is no longer there. She had gone on to the next stage of her destiny.

To my granny's left laid an indian lady. She is always in a foetus position. Coiling up her body. She looks terrible, even scary. Stare closer at her eyes. You saw a twinkle of hope. No one had visited her while I was there but her eyes seem to resonate hopes and bliss. Strange. Fact could be stranger than friction. I do not know what she is suffering from but should not be too good. Still i felt hope when I stood near her. Strange.. but true.

My granny laid on her bed. Her command of her limbs seem to be slipping away with every passing minute. She seems so tired. Tired of being awake. Tired of her fate. She lies in wait of the inevitable..

Mother (the female parent; to give birth to, to care for)

She is the person that concieved a child. The person who carried a child in her body. The person who fend for you. The person you count on.

She laid there on her bed. For the umpteenth times, she tried to sound nonchalent and asked, " Ah Pong de zou si mi? jia gu bo kua diao yi liao." Ah Pong is her eldest son. Since she went into the old folks home 3-4 years back, he had never went to see her before. You see.. He hated her. It transpired that he felt she had let her down when he was still a child. The grudges and hatred he bears is still so strong, it chokes and suffocates him and render him unable to come visit her.

Unable to come visit not just any lady but his mom. The person who had carried him and who surely cared for him despite his misgivings towards her. What happened years ago should be buried by now. What hatred can one carried so strong that prohibits you to visit you mom for the last time. The last time before she lay to rest forever.. Will you miss her then?

Anguish (severe physical or mental pain)

Must be anguish. Intense unbearable anguish. Cancerous cell ravaging her body and shutting them down one by one. Started off at a canter, now at a voracious speed. Pain must be surging throughout her body. She quiveled silently in pain on her bed. Tucking herself tightly under her quilts to get just a little bit more warmth, a little bit more respite from that killer disease. She is fighting courageously in a battle she can never win.

Mental pain. Mental anguish that you are going to leave with your eldest son bearing such intense, malicious hatred towards you. Anguish that you could not turn back time to alleviate the couldrum of hate that stills simmer while you last on your last legs. Anguish that you might had just lived your life in vain. Anguish.. abound.

Tears (drop of liquid forming and dropping from the eyes)

I shed them. Large droplets of tears that came about from pain, laments and vulnerability. Wanted to help that person so dear and precious to me who is in turmoil. Impossible to help. Unable to do anything but watch her remaining life sucked out of her body.. Like the metaphoric gold fish out of the fish tank grasping for breath in a vain attempt to stay alive.

I weep. Tears forming freely on my eyes and cascading down my face. I wept in sorrow. in anguish.. For her, I wept again.

Death (process of dying, end of life)

Surely the inevitable result by now. Its a matter of when and how. Whether she will get to fulfilled her last remaining wishes of recouncilling with all her children or died not able to fulfill them. The next stage should be paradise. It must be paradise. This leg of her life had been too painful for her. She must go on to somewhere better. Somewhere she really belongs.. May she go in peace.. my beloved grandmother. Tears roll down again..

I saw, i went and i screwed up

2006-08-01T02:52:00.000-07:00

As the title suggested, it was a tragedy in the making. if you are the emotionally weak, you might wana turn away and stop reading.. what follows is a heart rending tale of a guy who saw his dream girl, went for a date and promptly screwed it up. *tissues pleasee*

1st July 2006
Today was the day i first saw her after many years. was not even supposed to be there. that night i had invites to 3 different outings. in the end, i opted for the seemingly most boring one. that is to go ktv with urine's motely clan of friends.

I laid my eyes on her. prolly smitten. she is not the kind you can say is a rare beauty or the babe with the hottest bod. she is not also the funniest one there since urine takes that accolade or even an acomplished singer. however something about that eyes is captivating.

those doeful eyes.. huge and round and definitely lively. if eyes are the gateway to one's soul, her soul must be pure and innocent. sent her home and did not ask for her number. what for? i in any likelihood will never get to be with her..

About 20th July

Finally muster enough courage to ask for her no from yanz. she was busy and couldnt come out. its ok. i will wait and bid my time.

24-29th July

Tried to ask her out but she is perpetually busy. what do you expect anyway? a 26 years old single girl, working, hot etc. possibility of her being free? low. or could it be she just did not want to see us anymore.. i remained hopeful.

30th July

The impatient and reckless side of me reared its head again. im sick of waiting for something that dont seems like happening. harnessing every ounce of my courage, i keyed in a msg. this is supposed to be an ultimatum. if she is busy again, thats it. i will never ever bug her again.

Miracles do happen it seems. she sms be back. "Yes im free. how about watching lakehouse tmr?" sounds good. sounds farking good matter of fact. with trembling fingers, i key back the reply. it screamed a resounding "YES!" my hopes were raised.

31th July

Judgement day. was pondering what to wear.. should i wear shirt, tee, polo or what? in the end, i went for the casual look. just anyhow wear a polo..

The whole day went by in a blur.. i was too nervous to think straight. finally the moment i have being waiting for arrived. its 4.45pm. rushed over to bugis and buy the tickets. movie name? lakehouse. good. romance show. should be good.

Seconds ticking away.. minutes wizzing by. no signs of her. stay calm david. stay calm. sms her to tell her im there and not to worry. take her time. good move. show u r patient. rush to 77th street to buy a simple accessory to put on my wrist. ha. but couldnt make it work. damn. waste my effort. nvm. the trick is to stay cool.

Tick tock tick tock.. is that the sound of the clock? or is it my heart beating fast?? let me hear it again.. i cant decide.. maybe both. shit im way too nervous. how can that be?? im not a prude after all. and this is definitely not the first time im meeting a girl. fark..

She finally showed up. though a belated entrance, my heart stopped beating when i saw her. somehow the crowd seems to slow down and time stand still. omg.. first impression.. she look abit older than i thought. her face seemed rounder. not as pretty as envisaged but something, something about her is so sinfully attractive. tried to wipe the ginger smile of my face. oh wait. is that a spastic smile instead?

"ok now where do we go?" i tried saying up to you.. no go. i cant behave like a girl. should be swift and decisive. must be a man.. "ohh how about can cafe? we can chill there." she agreed and off we go. cranberry juice for her, blackcurrant tea for me. nice.. colour matches.

we talked about everything. our past, the future(i dont mean OUR future), etc etc.. topics were gray and serious. i somehow cant find a joke. DAMN. im like named the joke dispenser and here? i got a mental block. am i like those famous composers and poets who suffered from inspiration blocks now and then? and at this cricitical time!? i cursed.. silently.

Movie time. not bad. sandra bullock is still cute. keanu reeves? oh well he is still keanu.. tragic. my heart began to beat irregulary and start to emit weird growls. is that jitters? or is that gas? fuck! tried to search for water... didnt find any. no sweets too!! and the fucking growling just wont stopped!! i start to "consolidate" my saliva.. once i had enuff in my mouth, i swallowed.. yeewz, yucks all you want.. this is crisis time. i cant sit there with weird sounds coming out from my stomach right!! i tried my darnest best to suppress it.. very very uncomfortable..

End of movie. dinner time. was thinking about steamboat but didnt mentioned anything. she said go down look. i said ok. once at the basement, she decided on yoshinoya. fine with me. i paid for her again though she seemed adamnant on paying. recalling may's advice, pay for everything. ok she is a bimbo that may but hell she is still a girl. i pay. anyway i always pay for girls so its nothing new.

Dinner was ok. mediocre food but when she is sitting in front of you, the food seemed so appetising. i polished the food off. went to take train back. should gotten a car. damn. no choice. no money and dad not back. make do with public transport.

On the train, we hardly talk. HARDLY. nothing to say. dont know what to say. its as if im transported back to the huimin's era. shy. lost of words. "next stop, yishun." should i send her back? i offered. she turned me down. i hestitated. should i follow and risked being irritating? should i stay put and maybe get condemned as ungentlemanly? i stayed put. somethings tell me that she is not keen on me sending her back..

The end. with that, it marks my brief sojourn with my dream girl. dream girls are just supposed to be that. remains in the dreams. i saw, i went and i screwed up.

My Grandma

2006-07-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a trip to the old folks home. after visiting my grandmother, the emotional side of me starts to stir again.. i am overwhelmed with emotions that seems at odd with each other and is really feeling down.

I saw in her eyes utter despair. she is as if an empty shell without her soul. her eyes look different today. her soulful eyes tell a pitiful tale about old age, loneliness, fear, contempt, vulnerability among others. most important of all, it says of a lady that is totally devoid of hope.

My eyes were stung. even though my grandma is not a very popular figure among my relatives and even my parents, she had being good to me. i used to be afraid of smiling or even to laugh heartily. every time i laughed, i will use my hand to cover my mouth. yes i was afraid that people will noticed my less than perfect set of pearlies. after a lifelong quest to rectify that difficiency, i was in need of some cash. without hestitation, she took out 1k of her money and passed it to me. thats how i got enough money to make my braces and thats how i find confidence in posing for pictures, in laughing without the need to cover my mouth.

Not only that, she had always been kind to me. i guess its a two way cycle. as most of her grandchildren obstracise her, i remained. sometimes i lament and felt panges of guilt. compared to the rest, i had more than done my duty. but what is enough? is it sufficient merely to "out fillial" the rest? she is not merely an obligation. she is my grandma and my care for her should never degenerate into tangible amounts, just like her love for me.

Every time i visit her, i gave small amounts of money to her. thats the least i can do. as my mom and relatives alway complain about my grandma and her mouth(that always speak ill of some of them), i fidget with irritation. even though i acknowledge that she can get extremely irritating and unpleasant with her comments, they seems to overlook a very important detail.

That she is in pain having to fight the cancer cells ravaging her body, her loneliness of being in an old folks home, her fear of not knowing whether she will wake up to see the next day, her anguish of seemingly being forsaken(though its not true as we do spent huge amount of money to house her and also visit her frequently), her anger of being confined to the vicinity of the home when she used to be a very active person in travelling and most of her, her despair of being obstracised.

My heart pours out to her. i really wanted at this point of time to find some girl and get them to be my gf. then i will bring her to visit my grandma and let her know that her favourite grandson is not only doing okae academically but also in love. love will keep us alive ahh that famous song by Eagles. what about a person that is terminally illed but devoid of love? what will keep them alive?

She called out to me before i left to visit her often. she told me that she has not much time left. its the first time she called out to me this way. her pleas cut like a knife across my heart. i wish i can share her pain or at least understand it. im afraid however i dont and maybe never will. this time i really realise something. morbid and upsetting this may sound, i somehow really feel her time will be up soon. i dread that day but i knew its inevitable. all humans die someday. i wish before she is gone, she will be comforted of the fact that out there in the world there are people who still cares for her. i know at least there is me.. as for me, the day of her passing will be the end of a chapter for me. i am happy in the fact that at least i was once touched by an angel..

Sarah

2006-07-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

I just got back from watching a movie-nacho libre. kinda lame show but the actress was pretty cute so in that retrospect, 2.5 stars.

Tmr (infact later) was the start of my summer term 3b. okae i havent bidded for that mod yet but still gg for class and see if i can secure a spot. its being ages since i step back into smu and i will be doing so with trepidation.. went to a club butter factory in the end last night and its pretty cool. hot babes and their house beer is asahi. first time tasting that. kinda diff..

I was watching a b grade tv show on channel 8 about some killers who killed 2 caucasians. its supposed to be a truth story i guess. in the show i saw a brunette. it stir up some innate feelings in me that i thought had since laid dormant. apparantly its not meant to be i guess..

That girl is sarah. yesh sarah the german. i remembered that night vividly as i laid down on my bed. she must be in america now ba. what makes her so special? i guess that 1 night i spent with her was the closest i had came since i broken up that make me felt in love..

I recalled that night fondly. i went with bottie to find lucie and sarah after our dinner at swekja. i was abit reluctant as i do not really know them. even though i found sarah cute way before that (during the fancy costume party and her pic is somewhere in my earlier entry), i had never thought of finding her. i doubted i had a chance anyway.

Somehow that night, i went along. more in hope than anything else. while at her aprt, we didnt talk much. after we went to the club, she was chatting mostly with nils. i couldnt find the opportunity to approach her. however i soon find her alone for a split second. i garnered all my courage and in false bravado, i went up to her.

She wanted me to drink and i agree. we went to the bar and get more drinks. we were gyrating to the beats and rythm not too long after that. all along, she was constantly trying to remind me its only for fun. somehow i got the feeling those statements was more for her than me. i did something stupid. she asked me to drink a glass of half full beer on the table. it was just lying there and we didnt know who it was for. it definitely didnt belong to my friends. i drank it. it was absurb as that night, beer was free flow. somehow i did it. i just felt that need, that insatiable urge to give in to her. in return for that act, she kissed me.

After sometime, we went for a walk.. we were chatting and she was lying on my lap. it was magical.. i did not expect to hold a quality conversation with a german girl i barely knew. somehow the vibe was there. it was really beautiful. we kissed again. this time it was a lingering kiss that sucked the life out of me. for that brief moment, my whole body was raptured by love.. love that tingering sensation..

We went back to her aprt and room. i slept with her that night. we did not did anything other than kissing and hugging. how could that be possible?? but thats exactly how it happened. i wont denied i tried to do more than that. as any hot blooded male would testify, it is hard to resist the allure of a cute girl. whats more a cute german girl.

Somehow i was satisfied. just lying beside her and cuddle her gently. my arms was cramping as i tried my best not to move so as not to stir her from sleeping. i recalled being awake the whole night. i was content just to see her fall asleep beside me. i could feel her heartbeat, her gentle breathing, her every stirs and movements. it was simply mesmerising.

I was in utopia. i found myself wishing the night doesnt end and she will continued to lie beside me. of course it didnt happened. in the morning we were still very lovey dovey. as i had lessons and my eyes were starting to smart from dryness of my lens, i excuse myself and left. she promised me to meet that night. somehow i knew then it was not going to happen.. indeed.. that was the last special night i had with her..

She did not really explain why.. to this day, i found myself pondering occasionally what had caused her to change so drastically. i guess it should be that she is leaving in a week's time and knew we will have no future together. if thats the case, i be extremely upset. i am someone who could give up alot just to pacify my love one and be with her. i was prepared to wait for her tough it may be. guess it takes two to tango. in the end, we left it as that. a special day in warsaw. a night that came closest to replicate the sensations, the love, the vibe, the tenderness that bear striking resemblance to her. yes.. her.. sarah.. i wish you happiness for the rest of your life. you are deeply missed..

Saturdays

2006-07-22T05:25:00.000-07:00

When people are asked to name a favourite day of theirs, saturday inevitably will came to mind. this is a day when everyone seems to stop working. on a day when the world seemingly rotates slower is a day i fear and dread the most recently.

You see this day is one where those in love seems so much more in love and those who are lonely seem to have their loneliness amplified tons fold. on weekdays when everyone is caught in their hussle to get their work done, such feelings are left in the backseat. however as the week slowly progresses and everyone get set to look forward to another eventful rest days, those people like me starts to get edgy.

On saturdays, you start wishing that you have a companion. this is the day that either promises joy and laughter or more recently, bordom and frustrations. after the umpteenth times of rejections from friends, you start to cower and retreat back to the safe encave that is your home.

There is also a stigma of being home on saturdays. only those who are awefully sick have a vindicate reason to stay home, the rest are loosely branded as losers, unwanted, geeks and other deragotory terms. at least this is what i would personally think if i know my friends are home on saturdays.

During saturdays, i start to wish i havent turn down some of the girls who i have rejected. i tried in vain to reassure myself that it is not i am not wanted. its just that im picky. truth hurts i guess. while it is not too much to say that i have had my fair share of admirers, nowadays they seem a dime a dozen. in fact all i look forward to nowadays are fridays.

On fridays i get to play vball. so for the next 3 whole hours, i be prancing up and down the court. rolling to retrieve the ball, elevating into the air to spike the ball, tossing the ball and send a radar seeking ball into the opponents court, high fiving when a tremendous point is scored. for that momentary 3 hours, all sense of being obstracise are eradicated. so i do enjoy my fridays. this could be an oxymoronic statement considering i hated saturdays.

So after the euphoria of fridays, one came crashing down to earth the next day.. after the high of playing an intense game of vball, you suffer the igominity of coping up at home on sat. days like this make u think. why did your itchy mouth say no when someone asked you out. or why did your pride gets the better of you and you refuse to key in some number to try date others. or the best part.. rejecting that so eligible girl JUST because you think she pales in comparison to your ex. yup. and you suffer at home alone.. suffer the fate of a loser. cheers.

Heaven knows

2006-07-19T10:46:00.001-07:00

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.

And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Chorus:
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

But tell me,
where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
(Repeat Chorus except last line)

Bridge:
'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?

(Repeat Chorus)

Heaven knows... heaven knows.

read on

2006-07-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

i wanted to turn back but it was in vain.. as her voice started to quiver and mercilessly broke the chrisp yet painful news to me, i shivered.. she tried to sound indifferent but her voice betrayed her nervousness. as she starts to find choice words to break the news to me as gently and subtly as possible, i start to realise the magnitude of the problem..

a precedent has being set. as the stark reality of the news began to weigh heavily upon my shoulder, i tried to stay positive. "dont cry david. dont smile too." do not let them have the chance to revel in their choice. make them think, make them ponder. make them guess how oh how did this guy remain so passive and calm in the face of adversary?

like a battle hardened warrior, i stood up and nod silently. i understand and i accepted their decision. harsh it may be, i will bear it. a huge blow to my ego, a potentially career ending blow. shall i wallow in self pity? shall i rant and shout and let them have the enjoyment to bask in their decision? i smiled gingerly. for this is a girl whom in my despair, still remains strangely attracted to.

she is thin. almost stick like. but her waif like figure seems to glide through the terrain effortlessly. ahh.. what a sight.. as i took in the last few mouthful of the stale air there, i realise this is the beginning of the end. let her regret. let them regret. thou shall not look back.

i suck in one last breath and without turning to look at anyone or anything, i took my bow. i wish i need not be back. i wish this would be my final swansong. but it was not to be. like a cruel joke, i must return tomorrow to this fake utopian society. its a survival of the fittest place. i have outlived my stay. i am retrenched. though i shall have endless freedom now till school starts, i felt a massive strain upon me. ahh... 1 step forward for freedom. unfortunately?? 2 steps regression for ego.. sigh.

Friendster account

2006-07-16T02:10:00.000-07:00

After suppressing the need to set up a friendster account since i deleted mine more than 1.5 yrs back, i belatedly re set up one today. maybe its because ruifang ask me to check if her friends are cutee.. maybe its because i have being inundated with requests to set up mine friendster account. maybe its because i realise my circle of friends are not as large as i believe it to be(if not i wont be alone on sat nite!). maybe.. just maybe its a sign, a gesture of closure. in any case, i registered my friendster account for say.. the 4th time? hopefully tis will be my last too...

However after i embarked on my maiden odessey journey to re discover and to reacquaince myself with long lost friends, i did the unthinkable. i search for her site.. deliberately. have i healed and recovered fully? i guess i do. but to try to totally shove her out of my mind as if it never happen before is just going to be an act to tough to cut.

Do i miss her? uh huh.. yes i do at times. but this doesnt prove or vindicate any single thing. im sure everyone in their struggle to fight bordom, in their spare times, in their loneliness and in despair, all tries to reach out and grab hold to a pleasant memory. its an automatic mechanism that is designed to give u some respite to the unpleasanties that may be plaguing you. it is like a life bouy that u cling on to and refuse to let go even though u have reach shore. fearing that you might ever need the bouy again, u deflate it and keep it securely under some articles. maybe im rambling now. maybe im being philosophically incoherent. maybe im jus aching to get some attention. maybe im jus plain bored..

Have i let go of the past? one of the favourite question that i had being asked countless times since we broken up. oratorical replies from me seem to highlight the point she is no longer in my life. evidence suggest otherwise. while i no longer harbour any lingering hopes to rekindle the past we once had, i have always seek to compare her with the new girls i met. the worst thing? the new girls inevitably will came up short.

However its true that after my exchange, i sort of feel a more different man. my temper has mellow. my mood swings are lesser in frequencies. im more cheerful. heck even my waistline is balloning though this is not necessary an ideal situation. while this blog has serve its purpose of being a bitter satire of mine to rant about irrelevancies, "loonism", occasional political outbursts and of course my own experiences, they usually encompass the usual topics. its importance though should not be belittled.

Without an avenue to channel your frustrations, i would have being a more ill tempered and bitter guy than i am now. hey i just confirmed my position as a swirler in thoughts. i can start this entry as why do i start a friendster account and now im talking about total mundane and morbid ironies that are totally irrelevant. i do not know what im feeling right now. its a stage of confusion with a vast layer of canopy shielding my brain from deciphering my real mood now. i do know for sure that i am not sad. thats good. an improvement.

saturday night

2006-07-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

its a lonely sat night.. tried to ask ppl out but guess i start to ask them too late.. none of them are free.. as i sat in my darken room surfing through the web, i start to reminisce over my times in poland. it is kinda impossible that on sat night in warsaw, i be this lonely.. most likely i will be drinking and merry making somewhere...

wonder what ppl like botermann and cp is doing.. what about tominator and co? what about christine? what about greta and kirk? are they coping well? are they having fun? my time in warsaw flew by in a blink of an eye. things r returning back to normal n im normally busy working in singapore. the times and experiences i had during my exchange seems so distant.. everything seem crystal clear yet so far away. i remember vividly every single detail but yet it seems like i have never done those things before..

time and tide waits for no man. how apt. as i sat forlornly in my room getting nolstalgic about the past, the world refuses to start spinning. the thought that i had spent 1/3 of a human's normal lifespan is haunting me.. as my life ebbs closer to middle age, i realised that all the years had jus flew by me. yet i remain unsatisfied and unfulfilled. what have i done this past 25yrs that are noteworthy? have i save the world? nah. have i stop spending my parents' money? nope. have i reach out and help others selflessly? negative. have i found my own happiness and love? nei.

i have not done anything that im particularly proud or fond of.. am i too harsh on myself? possibly.. but it truly perplex me that i had spent 25 years and not achieve anything. in places like africa where the average lifespan is around 40 years, i would only have 15 years left to live. will i consider my life a success if i were to leave now?

everyone used to wonder what would happen to them when they got older. i know. i used to think what it would be like once i cross the 21 years barrier. did anything happen?? nope it didnt. if u discount the fact that i was crossed in love multiple times, served the national service in a ridiculous unit, got into a university plagued with posers, continue to lose in vball games, spending my parents hardearned money... maybe as a kid u will think with age, comes greater freedom and happiness.

that is not true. as a kid, u certainly did not need to think much. when to study is determined by ur mom. how much u get as pocket money depends on ur begging and "how to look pathetic" skills. playing sports simply means calling some numbers or knocking on their doors to go down to the void deck to kick a ball. eating times mean once ur mom is done with the cooking. outings points to sundays when dad is not working. girls and relationships?? oh well.. they are simply something to fantasize about. you see as a kid, i never had much (in fact NO luck at all) luck with girls.. not that i got alot to boast about now..

however those days were carefree. no money?? no problem. just find excuses like u need a new text book. no soccer balls? go to the bins and find a discarded can. bored?? jus pick up the phone and call someone. someone page u but u cant reply? just give the same excuse that u r on the bus and is too poor to own a hp. didnt do well for exams? jus bear ur parents' naggings and the occasional caning.. no car to drive?? buses and trains are always there... no air con? fans.. checked.

get jilted in love? sleep, dream and find a new target... ahh.. somethings never change. i like that. continuity.

bdae

2006-07-09T02:32:00.000-07:00

long time since i last blog.. being very busy with work. but thats good. money is a very valuable commodity dat i seems to lack now though. it seems tat once i got back spore, i really got no mood or stuffs to blog about. my daily activities seems pretty mundane that im like thinking who would wana read about actually?

i just came back from a chalet. went to cj's 21st bdae chalet at down town east. had a pretty good time and was drinking rather heavily. it does bring back memories of those hardcore drinking sessions in warsaw that seems so far back though its less than 3 weeks since im back. i being sinking back into the lifestyle here-the singapore way and time is flying pass me in a flash. it seems almost surreal that not too long ago i was thinking about how it will be like in europe and now im already back and settling in well.

fri was in fact my bdae. i was surprised that so many ppl sms me to wish me happy bdae. ppl like tricia, daphne, spencer, joanne, weicai etc msged me to wish me. many more did so likewise but these are the ppl im like not expecting at all since how can they rem my bdae? i cant rem any of theirs for sure... it could be my date is easily registered in the mind or simply they are more sincere than me ba.. however i pride myself as being a sincere friend. oh well.. birthdates n numbers are not my forte. i alwiz rem my gfs' bdae only and thats aso out of obligation. after we break, i cease to rem...

i dint do anything special for my bdae. went to work for the first time at synovate. its actually pretty simple job but the pay isnt extremely attractive. im like earning $6.50/hr. it beats though staying at home. low income is certainly better den no income. after tat i went for vball session and really enjoy myself alot. finally i conclude my 25th bdae with a movie (superman). went to yishun 10 with urine n frog. low key affair but im not into bdaes nowadays so it hardly matters. to be honest however i do wish to spend it with someone i love.. i never had a simple, romantic bdae celebration with any of my gfs and the drought seems determined to continue..

as i age further, i felt less inclined to find a gf. i mean i WANT to find one but the urgency to land one dat seems to pressing in the past, has weirdly desserted me. it seems that it is no longer the numero uno of my concern but money or career seems more dominant in my thoughts. i fear. i fear that im turning into another xu xiao pian who seemingly had no sense of her own age and is still completely oblivious to the need to get a bf.. thats a scary thought.. being left on the shelf but she is totally at ease with it.. hmm.. my bdae wish is she find someone she love and who loves her back. maybe mk can do dat role but she is just too critical.. sigh.

back home

2006-06-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

ok im finally back home!! the plane right was obscenely uncomfy... damn and becos im still afraid of plane flight, i couldnt slept.. sigh.. i nearly miss my flight as halfway to the airport, i realise i forgotten my keys to the luggage case..

without the key, i wont be able to open my luggage. and i was in the midst of this massive jam no kidding.. so i was really getting worried especially when i rem i missed the plane to amsterdam back then.. but i have to detour and it got me real panicky...

luckily all well ends well.. i made it(thanks to sana for the help rendered) and now im back in spore for 2 days plus alr.. it sure is hot here.. way too hot.. sweaty, oily face.. sigh.. i missing spring in poland...

but spore is nice.. esp food.. duh that goes without saying.. i shall be recollecting my memories of my exchange soon.. going to get some rest soon. tml gg to play badminton in the noon followed by vball at night.. its fight the flab time..

oh btw i got the lawyer's letter issued against me by the motorcyclist from the accident 2 yrs back. its so bloody irritating when he fabricates all the lies.. saying i charge out and stuff when he was the one to ram to me! people... sigh..

back home soon

2006-06-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Coming back from bartek's hometown, i found myself alone in my room.. its awefully quiet and lonely in sabinki now.. thoma had left too.. even though sometimes i may be irritated when he come back drunk and noisy, i guess he is still a wonderful roommate and friend of mine. now he is gone, i miss him and cant stand this new found quietness..

i overspent in my exchange. thats y i am not travelling anymore. who would have guess my first foray into europe would see me visiting only 3 countries.. furthermore none of these 3 r the so called touristy places cept for prague.. but oh well.. i be back again.

6 more days to touching down in singapore..

more departures

2006-06-13T04:35:00.000-07:00

my lappie is under virus attack so i cant log on as often but need to depend on others to lend me theirs if i am lucky.. sigh.. was thinking of going to repair it but then again im leaving in less than 2 wks so maybe i should jus wait till i got back den i will send to cit for repair. its free anyway. but i bought an external harddisk to transfer my pics and songs. cost me 300pln for 40gb. more ex than sim lim but guess i have no choice..

went to find christine for the last time. together with some more french, marcos and daniela, we went to sphinx to eat. after that we went to lemon. i always enjoy my time with christine. she is sweet and seriously nice to chat with. after that i went to her flat with the rest cos she said she wana chat with me more. she made me promise we will keep in touch and i wont forget her. i wont. she is coming to china to walk for a year. maybe we can jus see each other more. im missing her already.

went to bolek(place at park) to watch czech vs usa. czech won 3-0. went to u swekja for quite possibly the last time of my life.. had unsprisingly a snitzel and i polished it off with some difficulties. future visitors of warsaw, do urself a favour. pls visit this restaurant. its good and inexpensive with good ambience.

after that i make my way to underground club. went there as thominator said its his last night with me(i got exam on wed so i wont go out on tues nite and after that im leaving for ketzyn and when im back, he be gone).. its also my last night clubbing with cp. he is leaving tml.. i had wanted to go vienna with him but i guess i cant afford that.. despite my dad asking me to go ahead if i really want, i should not keep taking their money. anyway vienna will be a place i wana visit with my love one.. its a romantic setting so i should be back.

this is depressing and im slowly getting numb from it all. remembered i set up this blog for the exchange program. now it is ending soon. winter had given way to summer. strangers had bonded into close buddies. friendships are forged that hopefully can stand the dastardly test of time.

when i come back on fri, i wont be able to go to room 114 to find cp or botermann anymore. when i stepped into my room, there would no longer be a french there. when i think of christine, i do so with the knowledge she is thousands of kms away. when i walked back into sabinki, it would be a heavy heart. i knew the end would be tough but i did not envisage it to be this tough. thankfully there are so many people worth missing back in spore so even though i close this eventful chapter of my life, i do so with the knowledge that another hopefully better and brighter stage of my life is just beginning to unfold. this is not the end. this is the start. the start of a brand new me.

last night of botermann

2006-06-08T16:27:00.002-07:00

botermann and me (gay party)

Botermann is leaving later today at 6.30am. i will miss him alot. together with cp, he is prolly the closest thing i got to a buddy in poland. i dont really agree with him in the beginning because he holds very strong belief to his thinking and would not yield but behind this, is actually a guy that is very sincere and true to friends. tough quality to find in a buddy nowadays.

I considered it my fortune to met him but also a profound loss that i have to say bye to him. he gave me alot of good memories here including the skiing trip we had and also introducing sarah to me thus enable me to have my best night in my exchange.

The only saving grace that is making me happy is that he is coming to singapore and together we be heading towards thailand thereby meeting gloria and her friends in the process if our schedule to work out. it be pretty cool to show him around in spore. i would have love that. now my exchange is really ending. i be back on spore shores soon. i miss so many people and so much things back home.

I guess if u ask me if i regret coming poland, i might say i did cos i think i will prolly have more fun if im in korea or thailand or even china. but then again i would never have met so many wonderful friends. whatever it is i can conclude, my time here had been very beneficial and rewarding in terms of meeting people. certain aspects could be improved but in life nothing is ever perfect. give and take an inch, i would say that this exchange is a very good one. it has being truly a ride of my life. i will miss u botermann.

top 10 most impt or significant people in my life part 2

2006-06-05T15:26:00.001-07:00

to add on. its not that the list is comprehensive or exhaustive. i only include people that had a great deal of impact on my current life. of cos such list are temporary and subjected to changes in future and as all of you would have known, i like all my friends and family. so theres there. this is my exclusion clause.

wondering whose list i make it for the top 10... hahaa...

top 10 most impt or significant people in my life

2006-06-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

As i was lying down on my bed, again i thought of stupid things. i mean this has become almost a trait of me. thinking of ridiculous silly things while trying to rouse myself to sleep. i thought about the relationships i have had and also my whole life especially my childhood. so suddenly a bright (or dim depending which angle u look at it) spark comes to my head. i will try to draw up a list of the top 10 most influential and important person of my life of all time in an unabiased view. there will be an explanation of why he/she deserve this ranking.

ranking start from 10 than to 1 which is the most important.

xy, dh, tri, mom, dad, jolin, sis, aunt, jie, weicai, ms lim, adrian, kuba, spencer, char, ms gan, grandma, jiacong, liting, vball coach, xw, weiliang, atk, mk, mr o, foo zz, daphne, joan etc.. these are the guys that make the short list.. tough choice..

10- draw between ms gan (my mgt teacher) and my 2nd aunt
This is really a tough choice. couldnt have possibly leave out either of them without feeling guilty and queasy.
Ms gan is my teacher in oi. she was the first person that i have to report when i transferred from tp. being new and foreign, she took me under her wings and i had blossomed under her tutorlage ever since. mgt is my top subject and which i excel in. mrs lim was the one who inspired interest but ms gan was the person that fine tuned it. i doubt i could make it to uni without her. was extremely down after my gp paper and wanted to give up taking or learning the rest of the papers. she scolded n chided me and bring me to 3 yrs ago when i first entered oi. taunted, comfort, scold and pressurised me into actions. luckily for me, i eventually did not give up. she played a huge part in this. now even though i am not longer taught by her, she remains a valuable mentor and even client of my work.

2nd aunt was like my second mother in fact. when i was young, my parents were working. she was my caretaker and watch me grow. first under her when she was still residing in sim ming road and then to yishun st 72. she literally groomed me to who i am and what i am today. she plays a huge part in my maturing.

9- weicai (my cousin)
He is the elder brother i never had. when i was young, his mom took care of me and watch me grow. he was my playmate and confidant when young. being mature and rational, he is the role model i tried to base myself upon to no avail. i just cant be as strong as him. he introduced me to work in Ponderosa where my first stint there was the best in my working life. he also introduced me to sports like table tennis, basketball and soccer. my childhood spent with him and the rest of my cousins could be considered a major highlight of my life. given a chance, i would really want to turn back time when the 5 of us catch guppies and spiders, light candles and lanterns during mooncake festival and play games together. the only drawback is as we get older, we inevitably lead our own lifes as he pursued his career while im still in uni. still a vital part of my life though. had being and always will be.

8- Jolin (my niece)
The apple of my eyes and who always brought a smile to my face. my harbour in the storm and when im in poland, she is the one i miss most. when i am down, i always took out my hp and look at the video clips i made of her or the numerous pictures i have of her. she is always cute though a little irritating at times but her funny and extremely adorable antics lead me to really cherish her and her adored barney the dinosaur which is my present to her. if i have to have a kid in the future, let it be someone as cute as her.

7- tuan kiat (atk, study mate at oi and smu)
This is a tough choice. atk is a superb buddy. not the most fashionable to have around but by far the most reliable one. no complaints about this guy. my times in oi is the best of my education life. so much fun and joy. he is part of my memories there. remember thrashing him in mgt in yr 1 then saw him revert the role on me the next yr. top notch student who taught me so much. my study partner in smu without which i would not have make it so far. he is simply worth his weight in gold to me and i hope he will always be my buddy.

6- Charmaine
Was with her for merely 2 months and 6 days but it was the most magical days of my entire life. she was the person i have loved most in my entire life. the day she left me, i was left with an empty physique with my soul gone. a huge part of my life have left me. she completed me.. we are no longer and will never be together. however she left something in my heart. she etched her name and left memories in me that no one will ever take away. she was the one who let me understand the true bliss of life and what love could do to the person. do not want to blame her but after her, most girls seem mediocre and i could not really like. she makes me determined that i will NOT make another mistake in my love life and not to accept anything lesser than true love and bliss.

5- Tricia
If charmaine is the person i had loved most, tricia must be the person that i first start to love. together with her for exactly 1 yr and 1 day. this is also my longest relationship to date. maybe our love was doomed to fail from the beginning. my life was literally revolved around her. our quarrels drained my life out of me but not even in a split second did i doubt either our love for each other. i literally died for her as close friends would have known. she make me realised how scary and how dependant i had become. the split was acriminous but our relationship will forever stays with me too. still recalled our nicknames for each other. she was both the lighthouse and storm of during that period of my life. she is ranked this high also due to the fact she make me a much stronger man. without her, i doubt i could have survived the breakup with char.. my experience with tricia galvanised me into a much stronger being (not that im very strong now anyway).

4- Xiao yan
Definitely my best buddy of all time. she is also the person that introduced tricia to me. known her for 12 years and running. my pillar of strength when im down, my ray of laughter when im bored and many others. had 3 major arguments with her that last for months. famed for being stubborn and terribly myopic during quarrels (its never her fault..) but one thing no one can ever blame her is her wholeheartedness into any friendship. never pretentious and always generous, i considered meeting her a real blessing. she is the friend that i will most likely keep in touch for the rest of our life.

3- Jie
She is the elder sister i never had. elder sister of weicai and the mom of the sooo adorable jolin. she took tremendous care of me when i was under the care of her mom. always caring about me whether i got enough money and stuffs. most vivid incident. i landed in hospital due to a stupid incident with tricia. ok past history. when i was discharged, she was with me in my room. she held my hand and was weeping. she was heavily pregnant then. she told me something that will change my life. she said its not my life only. its about everyone who cares about me. dying is actually the easiest for me and the worst for everyone. i shouldnot be so selfish. she also told me that inspite of my parents seemingly indifference, my mom was crying and did not let me know. i do not fear death but i fear letting down those who cares for me and she was the one who pointed this out to me.

2- Dad
Quite obvious choice. my dad is someone who make enormous sacrifices for the well being of the whole family. working till late and toiling in construction sites, he has my utmost respect. never once to miss a day of work even when sick, u literally have to beg him to stay home even if he is very ill from fever. fiercely dedicated to his work and a total family man. dont really hang around with friends after work and will return home to the save encave of home. hobbies include watching animal planets and documentaries, going out with mom, aunts and the lots and playing with jolin. a complete dad who will have no qualms or complaints about sacrificing for his loved one. did not even keep any of his pay but prefer to let my mom settle the housekeep with his whole pay. and of course the person who lend me his car inspite of me crashing it numerous times.

1- Mom
Surely the number 1 place will be reserved for her. not a slight to my dad but my mom just perhaps edge it due to me spending more time with her (but just slightly). took care of the whole household and keep every thing in check. truly love her kids though proned to occasional emotional outbursts. she and my dad is extremely proud of the fact im in uni. cook the most delicious (but also the worst when she cooked those hateful fishes and some vegs which i absolutely abhor) food. always worrying for the family and the image of her crying before i leave for my exchange is a testimont of her love for me. truly a great mom and nothing i can complained about. always remind me when im old and working, i have to take care of her and dad. she need not worry. they are irreplaceable and will always be top rankings in my heart.

room alone

2006-06-04T04:57:00.000-07:00

Went to underground ydae and met this really amazing polish girl. i think she is called martha or something. really pretty and nice. anyway yah nothing much happen this week. thominator and almost whole of my friends went to gdansk so i got the whole room to myself. nice and quiet. =)

I also went to shesha bar and after that to on/off club with christine. both of us felt silly as we didnt know how to smoke and we were kinda perplexed why did we emit so little smoke as compared to others.. but after a french friend (he was queuing to get into organza) came over and taught us the proper way, it was much better. but i dont really get high or am i even supposed to get high? shrugs~

Christine just told me something amazing.. she recieved a msg from cora last nite. apparantly cora informed her im gg clubbing with cp. she even went to botermann's room to spy whether cp and i indeed go alone.. omg. i feel like a superstar. got paparazzi on my trail. kinda amusing actually. but i asked cora along too to club (actually i saw her then i jus sorta ask). after that she said her friends were tired and cant go. hahaa i bet she dint tell christine i asked her along too cos this would shattered the myth she created that i am only in for girls.. tsk tsk..

i finished 2 out of 3 essays and studied abit for biz, govt relations. next week i be having my "judgement day". it could be the first time i fail an exam since entering uni. the killer subject?? basic polish.. i shall make a last ditch attempt to study it now. do wizinia (good bye).

departures of more friends

2006-05-31T01:52:00.000-07:00

Sarah and me...

nils

Matthius

Bret, stephanie and taylor

Greta and hillary

As of now, all the americans are gone or should i say most of them are gone. only patrick who is doing his internship, claire who is from erasmus program and maybe taylor is left. its a sad moment truly.. jus saw bret to the taxi and greta left at 5.30 this morning. was abit lazy to wake up to send her off but am glad i did. she and bret will be someone i be missing too..

Speaking of missing, i guess i will miss a couple of germans when im back. they be leaving mostly on the 9th next week. botermann, nils, matthius-2nd floor, lucy and sarah.. i will be missing all of them. boterman has been one of my closest friend here. he will be solely missed.. nils is a good natured chap. he will be missed.. matthius i swear i the funniest man alive with his goofness and silly antics. he will be missed. sarah... sarah will be missed terribly..

Now it stuck me that i be leaving in 22days time. i cant help reminisce the first time in warsaw was snowing and kuba and bartek were at the airport to send me off. i dint know many people. now that im starting to know more and more people, the time to depart has arrived. this is sad but its a facet of life that we must deal with. meeting, acquaintanceship and departures are part and parcel of life. sad it may be, this is how it was and how it will continue be.

Suddenly im not so gungho and eager to leave. yes im dying to get back. to dig into my plate of sumptous nasi lemak, to hold jolene up and play with her, to start earning money again, to see my parents, to be even warm again.. but this place is where i call my home for the last 4-5months. it will be a heavy heart that im leaving this place.

I doubt i will be back. even if im back, i guess the circumstances will have changed. i wont see most if not all of the erasmus students. the mood and atmosphere will change. but as i say, its a fact of life. i will deal with it.. tough it may be..

jolin

2006-05-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

Called my mom today. she told me my beloved niece-jolin had being really eccentric recently. crying and beating her new younger brother for no apparant reasons. she even tried to tell my parents that someone may have hit her in school. i dont know why but it seriously pains me when i heard of that.. i know even if another kid hit out at her in school, it more probably a case of "child's play". but this does not diminsh the fact she is still young and need to be protected.

I guess the adults gave her less credit than due. she is prolly jealous that a new baby is in the house. lets not forget for a moment that she is still young. in fact she is still a toddler. we should never expect her to be indifferent to the new addition. all the attentions used to be showered on her. a cry will brought about a mad scrampering to find means to please her. a fall would see many rushing to pacify her, to coach her.. now even though she is still very much loved by us, she is no longer the ONLY person to be fuss about.

Many a years ago when my sister was first conceived, i was really mad too. i still can recalled that in the months preceeding my sister's birth, i was excited like everyone else. to me she will become a new play thing or at least a play mate of mine and this will alleviate the bordom i was plagued with. however oh boy was i wrong. when she entered this brand new world, everyone was soon gushing how cute, how adorable she is. i was left alone. my attempts to carry her are usually futile as being young, boyish and rough, i would inevitably hurt her. soon i start to abhor this new addition to my family.

I resent the fact that every one is fussing around her. i was older and therefore not so much in vogue. i hated that. feeling obstracised, i hated my sister then. i used to tell my family friends they could have her if so desired. of course (thankfully), it didnt materialise. i was 5 years old then.

Fast forward to the present situation. jolin is barely 3 years old. she should be basking in the complete attention showered on her. now she not only has to complete for attention, praises and laughters, she is also transferred to a nursery as my mom couldnt handle 2 kids. in her small fragile heart, she must be feeling very very upset.. alot of us may think young kids couldnt think but we are wrong. they do think. being exposed to love and attention lead to us craving for more. we cannot expect a young toddler to be altruistic and share the love with her younger brother. she dont think that way. how i wish im by her side now.. she is the person i missed most in spore..

Of course as she gets older, she will appreciate this new addition. but now is not the time to expect her to welcome her brother without reservations. i hope the adults can understand this and not blame her when she tried to hit her brother for "no apparant reason". there is a reason and i suspect is to fight for attention. she will learn in times to come this is wrong. i know. i was once like her..

This of course also vindicate my belief that i should only have 1 child in the future. in this way, he/she will be the numero uno in my eyes and i can shower on the child my fullest attention. to be honest i wanted to go overseas to study in the past. but not everyone is born with a silver spoon. if i had taken the chance to go abroad, my siblings would surely not have the opportunity to do so. my dad would prolly be worked to death. luckily i got into a local varsity.. if i only had 1 child, he/she will enjoy everything i possess. no sharing is required. this i suspect will be more beneficial to the child. as for potential playmate? she can have my wife and myself. and most likely a pup or 2..

Remembrance

2006-05-23T01:26:00.000-07:00

Do you still remember the times when we roam around carefree as a kid,
That we used to play zero-point and frolicked in the drain?

Do you still remember those days where you stood by the drain to brush your teeth as told by the dentist,
and that milk subscription is highly recommended?

Do you still remember the times when tears could get you a present or a caning,
depending on the mood of your parents?

Do you still remember the times when mathematics involved strictly numbers and not alphabets,
or that you need to stand in line to play the recorder?

I still remember those..
and I will always remember
wearing a gigantic spectacle frame,
getting dupe to play "hop-people" by my cousins,
playing rounders with newspaper encased in a plastic bag,
catching spiders and guppies,
going to the zoo for excursion,
watching hulk hogan and bret hart,
fighting with ms urine,
chasing after a can with 15 adoscelent boys,
the best time of my education in OI and
the days when i was innocent, naive and free.

I will always remember..

Nightmare

2006-05-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

It was dark.. The wind was howling and the leaves whistle under the relentless blew.. She was floating nearer and nearer. Her hands out stretch reaching out for me.. I was struggling.. Determined to break free from the force that is pushing me down onto the floor. The white ghastly figure is just 2 feet away from me. I tried to scream, exert every onunce of my remaining strength to get out of this predicament. I was scared stiff. The pontianak wore a blank look on her face. She is determined to get me and there is no one to help me.. What can I do? I passed out..

I had this very terrifying nightmare last night.. it was so vivid that it spooks me today too. it was incredibly real and had me trembling. really tried to scream but no words were formed. hmm.. weird nightmare. anyway i tried to open my eyes but i couldnt and when i finally opened them, it was already bright thank god.. after that i dreamt of singapore again! shit i must be more home sick than i care to admit.. oh well.. soon i will be back..

Kirk will be remembered..

2006-05-19T03:17:00.000-07:00

This morning, i send kirk to the airport together with cp and botermann. it was a very sad and solemn moment. when kirk was saying his final goodbyes to everyone in sabinki's corridor, he cried together with some others like greta. i tried saying stupid things to lessen the tension but to no avail. it was really bad...

When we were at the airport, the last few moment of him here is really so tender, tragic and poignant. when he finally say his farewell to us and once again teared, i struggled to hold back my emotions. i was almost choking but i do not want to cry. maybe its a man's thing but i refuse to cry infront of others. he will be an individual i truly miss. as i am typing this, he must be on the plane.. soon he will be back in pittsburg and everything will resume normality for him.. in times to come, everything here will be just another figment of his imagination and memory.

Maybe there will be times when he lay down on bed thinking that he prolly should be drinking with us in poland. maybe he will reminisce over the times we jeer and poke fun at each other.. maybe he will smile when he has recollections of the wonderful times he had here.

He is someone who i will never ever forget. he is sincere, honest, funny, genuine and a real joy to hang aroung with. he is a gem in his ways and i will not trade him for anyone else. but he had to leave.. soon i will be back in spore.. i miss home so much. last night i dreamt of home and my niece and nephew(who i had not seen yet). it was surreal. i had the same dream over and over again. but im pretty sure it will be with a heavy heart im leaving warsaw. i dont like this country that much. it ugly, dirty, boring and filled with poles who speak a different lingo. however i had so much frens here.. so much ppl i will surely toss around in bed and miss.. ppl like cp, boterman, kirk, sana, thoma, berit, rashmi, greta, kuba, bartek etc etc.. the list is too long to name. they are a absolute joy to be with. the camaraderie we shared is impossible to replace.

Take last night. we had a bbq and of course alcohol was flowing freely. i had alot of drinks to be honest. we even drank beer from funnel. u know u open ur mouth and we pour the whole can of beer in.. after that we tried to go equilibrium which had a party there. the bouncer refused to let me in stating im drunk. i was indignant. i acknowledge im not perfectly sober but who is over there? i was not causing any probs and i was dressed appropriately. he got no right to refuse me entry. certainly not at equilibrium where there is always no bouncer. i think he is a racist and i got fucking pissed..

The rest of the group on seeing that i cant go in, asked for a refund immediately. unable to disuade the bullshit bouncer from letting me in, we left-collectively. i did not ask for any of them to come with me. they just did. they need not do this for me. but they did. this small and seemingly insignificant gesture will stay with me. even the spainish guy(i think his spainish) who stayed beside mira i think had a nice word with me and left the club. i mean to be honest i dunno him at all and i dun exactly like him too. it was a misunderstanding then i guess. but i am really touched.. i am a no body and yet they make me feel like somebody. this friendship will stay with me in my heart. nothing can replace them or the memories we shared.. i love all of them. every single one of my true friends here.

Remember the first few days here.. i do not know much ppl except my roomy and the poles like kuba n bartek. now im in the final stage of my exchange program here. from now on, im sure time will simply surge forward.. it will be a hazard canopy of activities and we will soon be back in our ctys.. but i will miss them and the time we share. i will remember..

"Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."- Ludwig van Beethoven

Worst night ever..

2006-05-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

Went to swejka with the rest ydae as some of the americans will be leaving. i finished the monstrous snitzel (see previous post for pic). thats a major achievement and coupled with e huge 1 litre beer(actually i drank more than that..), i was COMPLETELY bloated.. no room left at all for except for alcohol.. thats when the worst night in poland for me started...

I had 1 and a half beer (finish laura's drink), 1 martini and 2 cherry vodka shots (should be 4 since its the long shot glass) that are given free. after that we decided to go to a shaddy club that looks pretty ermm eastern european. i had for some stupid ridiculous reason told laura i will get her drunk that night and boy did i succeed..

Lets see what i had there.. i had 1 jack daniel, 2 vodka shots, 2 kamikazee shots, 1 bloody mary (yikez!! hate this drink. my first n last time) and 2 "special" shots (that is actually a concoction of the mind boggling 95% spirit plus citrus). after that we went back to equilibrium and i had just 1 more vodka red bull.

To be honest, i was not drunk but just high. laura asked me to dance with her. i was not too willing as to be frank, she is not really my cup of tea. however i do not know how to reject her and agreed.. omg she is really a good ball room dancer and she proceeded to dispense some dancing tips for me. not bad at all.. then got this polish girl who is almost as tall as me there.. she was dancing with her guy fren and then later she switched to dancing to laura while i was catching a breather.. she danced with me after that. she is cute but somehow there is no sparks between us and our dance with regressed to some boring similar routine steps. needless to say we dint danced too long. however after that, we tried for 1 more time and it too failed to spark any passion in the dance..

I went to bed afterthat. i woke up in the middle of my sleep scratching my body.. it felt so bloody itchy its like its infested with a million ants.. not exaggerating but it was bad.. if i scratch, it felt itchier. if i dont, i almost go bonkers.. it was really bad.. i thot its my shirt is dirty so in my semi-concious stage, i got out and change the shirt. but the itch refused to cease or even subside. i was in torment and i applied almost a full bottle of the cream to no avail. later as i really cant sleep with all that itch, i woke up and examine my body. HORRORS! its covered with red rashes throughout my entire body..

So this morning after i couldnt take it anymore, i called my mom asking what could be wrong. she suggested some form of skin prob and ask me to keep warm and it will be better. but it did NOT get better.. in my utter despair, i called bartek (cos he wake up early to work) and he advice me to wait for my coordinator to start work. it was 7am then and i thot i had to wait till 8.30(but eventually i realise she start work at 9.30). i tried to block my brain from thinking but its no point trying to delude yourself. i called kuba up. he dint pick up the first 3 times and after awhile he sms me.

"crazy. so early. what happened"

After i informed him what happened, he called me immediately and told me to meet him. to be honest, i was very touched by his gesture as he had barely 3 hours sleep b4 that. i told him to rest and just give me the address of any place i can go but he would have none of it. so we met and went to the skin doctor that i went b4 here for my hands. freak.. they said we dint book appt thus we cant come.. i mean this is an emergency and how would i foresee im going to break up into the itchiest rashes ever last night. but she said no even though kuba pleaded with her.

She suggested another place. so we went and the person say come back at 2pm. we could however she said to try a govt place. we went there and guess what.. it is fully packed with ppl and looked extremely run down. i guess i will need to wait hours but i dint really mind. kuba saw the notice board and said we could only come here if we have public insurance which of cos i dun since im not from EU. they wont even accept cash.. tmd.

So we went back to SGH and i decided to try asking gosia what could be done. she gave me the student handbook and suggest the medical centre at marriott hotel. fark i should go there right from the start. so i made my way there after reassuring kuba i be fine.. the doctor was good and recommend me for an injection to be performed by a nurse in a seperate room. it was the MOST painful injection ever even besting the typiod one i had when working in hot stones almost 10 yrs back. if u know me, i am actually totally fine with injections. but this is crazy! its so pain that i nearly teared.. i couldnot walk after that due to the medicine being injected as i limbered slowly to take a cab. i couldnt fine any and i decided to take a most painful tram ride back.

When in the room, the tel from our room rang. its from the medical centre. she said the nurse injured herself while injecting me and they want me to return to do a blood test! im infuriated and worried. what do they mean by that? did she inject her blood into me!?! but thru the phone with her limited english, it was almost impossible to ask properly and they constantly put me on hold as the so called english speaker tried to do a word for word translation of what her colleagues are telling her to me..

I was truly pissed! how could such amateur mistake occur! trying hard to contain my anger, i took a taxi down and i took a receipt. i will get the refund for this no matter what! when i reached there, i realised she cut herself AFTER injecting me when im already away. i felt more at ease on hearing that since she could not had spilled her blood onto me.. i took the refund and they gave me a voucher for taking a taxi back which i wrote a higher figure for the driver to claim.

They will call me tmr if there is something abnormal from my blood. this is 1 phonecall i WONT be hoping to get..

memories of americans, trips and fa cup final

2006-05-14T03:45:00.000-07:00

Today is the 14th of may. time truly flies. like the old adage, time and tide waits for no man. how true.. if u remain still, everything and everyone will flies by u. the americans are leaving soon. kirk will be leaving next thurs. he is the one i will miss most from all the americans. will miss him saying "hey wassup singaporean?" "hey dude, you better check this up!" "fuck you david, FUCK YOU!" hahaa.. i even miss being swore at by him. but as the chinese sayings goes, "there is no union that last forever in the world." how tragically true...

The exchange is ending at a rapid pace.. i truly miss home. on the other hand, i have grown accustomed to the life here. i made so many friendships here that it will be a wrench leaving everyone behinds.. will miss the time we get pissed drunk together.. will miss the time we visit shaddy clubs.. will miss the time we seek out cheap and fanciful places to eat.. will miss playing soccer without sweating.. will miss the poles.. finally i will need to bid farewell to kuba and bartek too. on a bright note however, bartek is seriously SERIOUSLY thinking about securing a job in spore and get a PR with his gf. and he had proposed SUCCESSFULLY to his gf.. hooray. SIR(singapore immigration registrar), you jolly well accept their application if they decide to come if not you will lose a future voter in me.. grr..

I just realise that i am in europe and i had not seen much places!! NO spain. NO italy. NO anfield. NO france(cept for the airport). NO scotland etc.. damnit!! no girls and no visits.. thats a shame for crying out loud. lets see what have i visited.. hmm... poland..., prague...., and and... slovakia.. this is shambolic.. in europe and not touring. however i got my reasons for that.. i believe if you decide to tour, its not merely to see the place. it has to be with a person you like to travel and can relate to. perfect for travel will be the girl you love. the shining beacon of your life. the oasis in the storm. HOWEVER as all of you would have know that there is no such person here in poland thus this is out..

2nd you have to travel with a buddy that you totally enjoy having fun with. you must share this caramaderie that is unshakable and you must be in sync with each other. this for me means a partner that is FUN, crazy, spontaneous and patient. this person is likely to be a guy but a girl may cut it in rare, extreme cases. daohong is such a person i would love to travel with. atk will be quite ok but he should be more boring by virtues of his strong beliefs against ermmm.. "anything immoral". spencer will be cool too.. the only girls i think i would love travelling with are ms urine and actually sana isnt too bad too. this is jus gut instincts and may be wrong of cos.

Or lastly, travel with my niece and parents. parents are BORING. i remember i travelled once with them to genting when i was 13 or 14. horribly horrendous trip. still recall the time i called urine and spent so much time and ringgit chatting with her just to will time away. my parents were at the casion. major surprises huh? still rem that 1 of the soccer game contains my name in 8 of the top 10 list for top players. i blew so much money on that game. so why parents?? ohh becos they PAY for everything. duh.. if not why would i wana travel with them? muahhaha.. but i guess as i gets older, the stigma and unwillingness to travel with them is eroding at a rapid pace and it suddenly dun seems daunting afterall. plus i got my niece to play with.. ohhh how i miss her...

Yesterday i witness 1 of the best soccer finals of all time. call me biased or simply myopic. jus becos its between liverpool and westham(my fav and 2nd fav team respectively) shouldnt mean its good right? wrong. the game ebbs and flows at a rapid pace. when i saw west ham scoring 2 ridiculous goals thru carra og(how unfortunate!) and a calamitious mistake by reina(how clumsy!!), my heart sank.. even though hammers are my 2nd fav team, im a pool till u die fan.. then cisse who could control a ball, scores a gem! volleying past the hapless hislop with a stupendous 40 yards through ball by stevie g (who else huh??). its game on liverpool.

Half time.

Start of 2nd half. the onslaught im sure pool will be launching was not evident in the beginning. true be told that west ham nearly score. reina redeems himself with 2 blocks on goal. but pool worked its way back into the game and deservely equalised with STEVIE G!! collecting a knock down from crouchy, he lash a unstoppable shot to the top left hand of the keeper's corner! 2-2!! then konchesky cross the ball and it strangely eluded everyone and nestled into the net! what blasphemy!! 3 freak goals!! pool rallied and tries to find a way past the stubborn hammer's defence. didi, konkramp and moro came in for kewell, crouchy and alonso who looks really really tired.. with seconds to go before the ref blew the dreaded final whistle, the ball found its way to stevie from 35yards out. if you are a hammer fan or player, the LAST person you want to see lurking there is stevie. he took a run and simply shot a bullet in. no chance hislop! the ball was so vehemence that it sped right in to the bottom right hand corner. WORLD CLASS goal! simply sensational and unstoppable..

Extra time.

Both sets of players are almost limping by now. the exploits of the game is taking to them.. cisse was in constant torment, stevie laid down crutching his thigh. sissoko nearly pass out near the end. harewood was a walking corpse. hammers had the best chance to settle the tie. another fluke cross threatens to find its way into liverpool's net once again. the 2nd best defence and the team with most amount of cleansheets nearly got craved open again.. reina rushed back and with every inches and centimetres he possessed, leap into the air and jus finger tip the ball onto the post. it rebounded out and hypia panicked and make a meal of the clearance. it fell to harewood who could barely walk and it showed on his attempt. he skewed the open ball wide instead of the inviting unguarded goal..

Penalty kicks.

Lottery of PK. honestly i can tell both teams are glad that its pk time. i had never seen 2 teams that seem so relieved that it have to go to this 12 yards kick and yet looks almost contented. for a moment before the end of the game, i was disgusted pool did not attempt to attack but jus pass the ball around with almost no interference from west ham. they were really tired and i could swear that behind that strong facade the players portrayed, many was almost weak and trembling with pain and tears.. PK time. reina came to liverpool rated as the top pk stopper. stopped 7 out of 9 pk in his last season in spain. its reputation enhancing time. and save he did! he saved from everyone except teddy's attempt which im sure he will put it in anyway. teddy dont miss from that distance. its risse to win the final. he shot it in the middle and coupled with reina saving again from ferdinand (he saved 3 out of 4), the cup belongs to the mighty reds!

Post match.

I was really exhausted from the match. was shouting, cursing, praying, gesticulating etc at the same time. was shivering, panting, shaking and sweating. this is a top notch match for entertainment. a real gem of a game. it had everything. underdog taking a commanding lead through mistake from the most reliable of defender in europe. worldclass goals. lucky goals. passion. heart. breathtaking saves. unpardonable misses. cute guys. heck the only thing missing is a naked female streaker.. no teams deserved to lose this. they were both winners and heros in my eyes. west ham had just cemented its standing in my heart as my 2nd fav team. and liverpool?? You will never walk alone! pool till i die..

Pss: i know most ppl wont get to this part. must have simply switch off when i start writing about soccer. trust me though. it was a classic. aniwae im not a bad soccer writer right?? TNP or straitstime, i am the guy you are looking for. David the soccer columnist.. =)

Prague (06-04-06 to 09-04-06)

2006-05-09T05:29:00.000-07:00

Buzzing crowd

Prague

Old town square

night view of castle

Theatre

Charles bridge

street in prague

Double headed snakes..

2006-05-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

As i tussle about on my bed, my mind was in turmoil. as words from CP and christine keep replaying on my head, i understand the proverbial poison tongue. as you would had known that there are 4 singaporeans in warsaw from smu. 2 of them are simply too bitch and bastard that makes my blood boils at times..

They are spreading malicious and completely unfounded rumours about me. jerel was the other day telling ppl like his prof and CP what a womaniser and flirtatious bastard i have being.. the funny thing is that he had NEVER went clubbing with me (cept for the first day he was here and i was funnily mostly with him that nite!) or see me with any other girls. CP was angry and asked him to name scenarios of me doing those things he said im guilty of.. he thought for awhile and replied the way i treat cora. CP asked what is it that i mistreated cora of? he replied noncommitedly "just like that la".

Cora was another double headed snake that irks me no end. the reason why i shun them nowadays is i simply cannot live with such ppl. pretending to be sweet and chummy with you while taking every available opportunity to speak ill of you. she told christine what sort of guy i am blah blah blah. ok i admit i tried to make passes at her b4. but here is a girl who talks about sex like no one biz the first day we met. here is the ger openly proclaiming her sexuality. and here is a gurl who wanted to bring condom to poland for usage.. kuba and bartek can surely tell u more about her. what im trying to say is i am no saint.

This i had admit long ago and its pointless even to rebut that. i pride myself of being honest and not do anything scheming. i WONT hook up a girl if she is unwilling. i WONT hook a girl when i am attached. so tell me now ladies and gentlemen, is it wrong for a guy who is single to go out knowing girls? is it wrong for a guy to accept propositions if the girl wants it? so its the guy who is the horny bastard while the girl is sweet and demure and is therefore innocent? ha. this is really bullshit.

They claimed im always with girls and stuffs.. funny that I am almost always with ppl like CP and thoma and jan and kirk who are almost all 100% male? ok i may portray myself as a flirt and stuff. but ask my exs or ask my friends-true friends, have i EVER betray them? do i hang around only with girls and had double treatments for guys and girls?

When ppl like christine and cp( and im pretty sure that there are others) told me what they said, im tornt between going to approach them and punch them or at least seek a clarification or justification for their skewed analysis of me or to stay calm and reassure myself that my real friends will not believe them. i choose the latter option. not that i fear the confrontation or stuffs but i believe im make of tougher stuffs than that. moreover its true fucking fake myopic friends are around everywhere and i should not stoop to their level by harrashing them.

When ppl like CP and Shar rebut them, i am silently pleased.. i know that my action of non confrontation and let it be is vindicated. jerel happened to be a pious catholic. i wonder often whether bullshiting and lying is a sin.. by pretending to be holy and religious, yet make unfounded malicious comments behind a person's back is almost laughable. wonder what bible has to say about liars and back stabbers..

I often think that their actions stemmed from jealously. have not they wonder to themselves that if i am the bastardly guy they judged me to be, why am i the guy who have the most friends here be it guys or girls? why am i the only singaporean invited for parties, bbqs, outings etc while they rot in their rooms? if they think that spreading such statements about me is going to break me, i think they should think twice. when they pretend to be knowledgeable and kind and westernised through their fake accents, they are actually becoming a laughing stock.

Popularity does not lie. sincerity and truth cannot be hidden. i somehow pity those who believe them too. they are actually imbeciles to believe another person words without seeing any substantial evidence for themselves. if they are somehow able to find a person that i took advantage of but is unwilling or unconcious (as i so called make them drunk), inform me. not only them but any of my frens out there.

I may be horny but i dare admit it. which guy got no basic urge to speak of. i do not want to hide and lie by pretending to be innocent and naive. however i do not do things against my conscience. and despite my unbearable desire to defend myself infront of them or to tell my friends how do they behave, i thought against it. because if i had speak ill of them behind their backs, i would be degenerating into their level.

I am only thankful to those who trust me and defend my name to them. as for them, let them get their just rewards for being a gossip monger by remaining obstracised. ohh how they must wonder why they were being left out...

Let us all remember Chia Thye Poh

2006-05-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

Who is Chia Thye Poh? as the date of singapore's election become imminent, im suddenly hit by a bout of election's fever. how ironic that for the first time i am able to vote (last election was a walkover for my constituency), i am away in eastern europe.. anguish. i wanted to vote and make my tiny voice heard as i seek to do the basic responisbility of all citizens-to vote. but it was not meant to be. however unable to vote does not dampen my enthusiasm with all the rip-roar of electional activities being easily available from the internet. i become a keen spectator of all the on going events in my country.

Today I came across this name. Chia Thye Poh. i had never heard of this name before and what he had went through in his life. i guess the name Nelson Mandela would ring a bell more readily than this guy. however what he went through is by no means insignificant compared to Mr Mandela. Both are considered political criminals and thus held captive by their respective governments. Both believed in peace. Both fought for their beliefs. Both are punished for their beliefs..

In 1966, Chia with 8 other MPs decided to boycott the parliament. together they denounced the stranglehold that PAP had on the people and is becoming "undemocratic". they demanded the release of all political detainees and the termination of "undemocratic laws"-primarily the internal security act (ISA). together they were jailed under the ISA and were only released after they signed a decloration to renounce violence and cut ties with the communist party of malaya (CPM). Chia however was never released. he refused to back down from his beliefs. he was no communist and he was not violent. he rationalised that signing the argreement would imply that he is affilated to CPM and thus the allegations against him would be proven correct. thus he did not back down. This cost his 32 years of his life (22 years was in jail). He was only 25 when first jailed.

Silently he persisted. how he must had agonised on missing the best part of his life. the conflict between bowing to one's beliefs for freedom must had tormented him to no ends. he was a brave and obstinate chap who holds true to his ideologies. he did not conform to conventionality and threats when that would seems the easiest and best way out. in short, he suffered for truth. he was and remained a hero.

While Mr Lee Kuan Yew recieved all the acolades and rightly so for transforming Singapore from a backward country to one of the wealthiest and most brilliant utopian country in the east, Chia suffered in igominy. personally i held Lee in the highest esteem and i acknowledge his genuine love for Singapore. He is a patriot. but so is Chia. in our likelihood, they are rather similar. both love their country. both are courageous enough to take brave decisions. both hold true to their beliefs and refuse to cow in adversaries. both are heros in their own sense.

I still do not believe Lee would do anything deliberate for the detriment of Singapore. NO way is he such a guy. i do not know him personally for sure but how many sporeans do anyway? but looking at him weep when spore was forcefully detached from Malaya still render me speechless and poignant. this guy genuinely love his country. that scene could not be rehearshed. it is out of true love and unstingly belief that spore will suffer once out of the federation, that he weep. but he did not bowed. he did not kneel and beg malaya to take us back. despite the odds, he believe. so do Chia.

I believe Chia do not understand the magnitude of his predicament he was in. he believe that he will eventually be released since none of the allegations against him is true. however days turn to months. months turn to years. he faded into the distant memory as spore seen tremendous growth. how his aged parents must have miss him.. he must has surely being their pride. here is a graduate from the nanyang university. he was bright, young and smart. he had a wonderful future ahead of him. the world was literally at his feet especially at a time where literacy rate is low in spore. coupled with the fact that the growing economy would surely have a place for someone like Chia, he could back down and no one will begrude him that. no one but his conscience.

When he was finally released in1989, he was still not free literally. he was held in sentosa and allowed limited rights (eg. not able to speak freely to press or travel with restrictions into mainland spore). to add insult to injury, he was ordered to pay for his stay at sentosa. he was offered a job as an asst curator in Sentosa Fort. he turned it down as being a low govt employee would mean rescinding his rights to speak freely to media. he finally got his full freedom on 27-11-1998.

I was tremendously touched by this guy. who else would have shown such strength and perserverance even when the odds are stack so heavily against him? the worst feeling must have not knowing when he would regain his freedom, his rights. personally i have never question any of the govt's policies. they are regarded universally as one of the least corrupted, most efficient and best in the world. i feel that they does everything that they think is for the good of spore. i do not question their intentions. i however had doubts on some of their methodologies.

Holding a person without trial is akin to depriving a human being of his basic right. his right to hear and be heard. while in extreme cases (if the suspect is known universally as a terrorist that is extremely detrimental to the safety of the general public) this may be legitimate, this cannot be augmented in the majority of other instances especially in such a context.

While i lament the lost of such a patriot, this instance bring forward an impt view that the govt composition should be more balanced and more voices should perhaps be heard. the ruling party had done a splendid job so far and they DESERVED to stay in power. with walkovers, their continued governance of the country cannot be denied and neither should they be. the party is capable of leading us to greater heights. but we need more voices in the parliament to prevent such a tragedy from ever happening again. the people have a choice to be heard and they must know of every incidents that are occuring. i leave you with this poem that Chia found on his prison wall that strengthen his resolve, his beliefs.

"Ten years behind bars
Never too late
Thousands of ordeals
My spirit steeled."

Mr Chia Thye Poh, i salute you.

Staying level headed

2006-05-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

This past week we had a gay party in my room. it was decorated in pink with pink lightings, pink toilet paper hanging from the wall and a flashing light illuminating throughout the room. its actually very very impressive. i was drunk after drinking too much from a concoction of vodka, wine and sprite(all the cheapest brand) and lay almost unconcious on my bed. the security came and the party was ended.

The next day we recieved an email from our SGH coordinator complaining abt the party(sabinki staffs had complained to her) and wanted us to meet her. its farnie how CP and botermann were dragged into this mess since there are so many more participants. but after meeting her and explaning to her, they decide to up the ante and take the case to the sabinki mgt as the coordinator think we are not wrong. i wrote an email explaining the wrong incident and is now waiting for the verdict..

Anyway next week i be going to krakow with the canadians(sana, rakmish and her mom). will finally get the chance to visit austwitch and maybe jus try envisage the horror that the former occupants had to suffer from in ww2. maybe i will get emotional but i dunno. simply have no idea what to expect..

The week passes and nothing much really happen after the euphoria of the party.. nothing much till last night. i was alone in the room and had nothing to do.. i decided to check my spore sim card and there is a msg from an unknown no asking me whether i wana do internship. my first thot was they must be from the RP side whom i did some part time work for them b4 i came over. i replied and just recieved a reply..

Its from charmaine.. funny enough last night i was showing botermann and claud her pic and they unanimously voted the other girls who carry a touch for me in the past to be more beautiful than her. somehow i dont agree. when i saw her face again during convocation close to 2 yrs ago, my heart aches terribly. when i saw her name on the msg, im totally lost again.. shitty right? as ppl close to me would have known dat my intention of coming for exchange in the first place is to forget her totally. somehow this is useless. its not going to work this way i guess. i truly hope to find someone special next. to get over the failure of her that is really causing me so much griefs.. i pine for her still to be perfectly honest and until i find the next special one, i guess i will always do so. i jus asked if she is that charmaine and if she is, she need not reply anymore to the sms. this is hard to bear even though it been 1.5yrs or so? for a relationship that merely lasted 2 mths and 6 days, i guess i should be long done reminisicing over the past. she was special. and no matter in the future, who comes into my life would have to deal with the fact the first time i totally felt true bliss of love, of waking up everyday knowing someone i truly love and who cared for me in the past is out ther, someone whom i will still give an arm or leg to help her if necessary, someone whom i truly wana walk a duck with is not her. but if that next girl can help me get over this sorrow, this pain and disappointment, she can be sure of my undying affections and love. how i wish for the day where i will recapture that special feelings.. that strange emotion call love that will surge up my body, rendering me breathless and in absolute euphoria. i continue to dream.

Reminiscing Singapore

2006-04-23T04:15:00.000-07:00

On a perfectly sunny sunday afternoon, i'm sitting on my bed typing and yakking away. lost my zest to club and party le.. cant wait to get back to our sunny shores.. missing so many many people and food and activities back home. i will be back in around 2 months. hurry book me for any programs. but i be poor when i get back so u might have to pay for me.. hahaa.. but i can always provide a good luff, chuckle or i can even offer to bring you to the best foodie places.. so what are u waiting for? BOOK me now*.

*while stock last only

Ketrzyn- bartek's hometown

2006-04-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Due to an unfortunate accident, i missed my flight to amsterdam. as i tugged my soul and body back to warsaw, i was rather downcasted. it turns up to be a good decision as i visited bartek's family in ketrzyn and spent 3nights there.

we first had to take a torturous 4hours plus drive to his place. actually for me not that bad as im not the driver. nevertheless it was a ride too long. it put getting from pasir ris to tuas in perspective.. as i struggled with the thought of spending my hols in a tiny town with not even a club, i reached there.

first impression. nice town. small but cosy. his aprtment is not extremely huge but its warm and have this family feel of it. duh.. its his family. his parents are so hospitable. he had an one eyed dog(lost 1 eye in fight with cat) which after awhile i find very agreeable and endearing. first 2 days we cant eat meat as its their easter tradition. i declined his mom's generous offer of a meat dish as i feel i must assimilate into their culture. good choice. i hardly miss meat as his mom's first dish of fried potato pancake with eggs are mmmm..... delectable..

there were so many happy moments. i played soccer with his high sch frens in an indoor soccer court. it was great fun and i guess i played very well. being long i enjoyed a game of soccer. we went to hitler and his chief of army's HQ near to his hometown. i really cant image amist to ruins and forests, how did the most feared man in history spent his time? how did his troops spent their time?? i simply cant fanthom the idea of willing my time in that piece of desolated land..

we also went to a hotel with indoor water theme park. actually there were only 2 slides with 1 bartek affectionately know as "onion". its a roundish slide that u slide from darkness to a huge circle and u go round n round b4 exiting via a hole into the awaiting splash below. met an old viet guy with his family and he asked me in mandarin if im from china!

i aso cooked for his family. wanted to cook sweet and sour pork but there was no pork so we settled for turkey meat. i was worried it will be bad but it turns out quite well along with the long bean turkey breast meat i was cooking. they were so impressed they asked me to write down the recipe which i gradly obliged. we had meal over 2 bots of champange-1 of which i bought and was gladly recieved.

leaving was a rather sad affair for all of us including me. after a brief meeting with his family, dog and cook cum family fren, i have grown attached with their hospitality and generousity. his father gave me 2 bots of vodka which im supposed to bring back 1 to my parents. it was not the sort of cheapskate common vodka that u buy off the shelf but a premium short in nice packaging dat i never see b4. i left it with bartek at his place as im afraid either someone else or i would drink it in our numerous drunken stumpours.. his mom gave me a nice huge box of chocs which i already had 3 pieces. im eating it slowly and is not going to share with anyone. i accepted their gifts but with alot of shame as i felt they were really too valuable..

i told them i will be back. indeed i will be back. i wana cook 1 more time for this kind family. i want to bring for them some nice gifts of my own. though our meeting was short, i was really touched by them. the time i spent there was great. it was priceless.

back from prague

2006-04-13T01:38:00.000-07:00

Okae.. tragedy.. im back in ugly warsaw.. this is so becos i missed my freaking flight to amsterdam from prague.. yeap. i know that sound silly but we couldnt have anticipate the accident along the one way street resulting in police blockage.. neither could we comprehend the STRICT enforcement of the 30min check in rules.. we were at the airport 20mins prior to departure and due to airport protocols, we were not allowed in.. so cp decided to go to austria and i returned to warsaw as i did not wana disturbe his easter celebrations with his family..

Prague was beautiful for sure. its amazing actually.. the beauty of it stunned me to silence and i ended smiling gingerly all the time.. cp was very sick and i went out alone at times.. it was still beautiful though even if you are alone and there is no one to share the experiences with. we met a swedish couple(not exactly couple since not they are not attached) and they were great.. we went to this cocktail bar everyday with more than 120 different cocktail selections. we had 3 cocktails there every day. there is even free strip tease show. strip tease shows it seems are huge in europe.. there is tis huge club in prague. its like 4 different dance floor. what annoyed my only in this cty is the service staffs demanded on tips most of the times. yeap.. demanded and not waiting for us to do so. it gets real irritating after awhile.

there is a huge cosmopolitan feel in prague. somehow however u came to realise pretty soon tat tourists make up the bulk of the ppl u see on the streets. many many asians.. too many in fact. for the first time, i dont feel awkward or being gawked at. we met argentinians(1 who snore so much he made cp literally crazy), italians(who speak perfectly horrendous english), indians(who are hospitable and jus sms me "where are u dear", finn guy(waiting for his gf) and others.. there were also this czech guy who treated us brandy at the club.. he wanted my name card so i jus gave him mine.. hope this action wont return to haunt me..

so now im back in warsaw.. there are no imminent plans to travel so i be staying put for some time.. sulk.. :(

war

2006-04-03T09:41:00.001-07:00

Today i cried. finally i watched the classic- Schindler's list. some of you might have seen it before, some of you might have heard about it before but all of you should have known about the halocaust.

The massacre of 6 million jews were retold in books and texts around the world. i had read about it but never had the opportunity to really understand the horrors and atrocities of world. watching the show does not make me truly realise the sufferings the innocents suffer but somehow i felt so helpless.

Young jews were cartered awayed to another location infront of their families. people shot at random. scenes of helpless victims brought to a chamber and left there. it dawns on me that the people is not only fearful of death but the hopelessness of the cause. they do not know when their turn will come. a fast death is preferred but often humilation and torturing were the chosen one. after world world 2, less than 4000 jews remained in poland. to put that in perspective, maybe 2% survived..

Just like the killing fields in cambodia when millions of cambodians were systematically disposed of, there is no real meaning towards the horror unleashed. i prayed not only for the dead but the souls of those responsible for the killings. they have mostly died but their children shall always bear the strain of having murderous parents. their children will be known as offsprings from the root of evil. may they rest in peace..

I miss austwitchz when i went to krakow. i will go there in 2 weeks time alone. i guess i need to be there alone. to try envisage the terror the poor victims must have felt. i pray for them. may they rest in peace.

weekend

2006-04-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

On friday last week, i joined kuba at his fren's house party. it was quite cool and there were many chicks around. got 1 girl i met was coincidentally coming to spore! whee.. nice.. was supposed to club together with her on sat but due to some communication prob, dint get to meet her. but she arranged to meet me on wed. im not like attracted to her(at least not now) but the thot of knowing more poles even when im back in spore pleases me. it like sort of a continuity thou i cant see any possibilities that i will be closer to her than the lousy pole himself.

On saturday it was more parties. due to another communication cock up, all 3 taxis landed up in different clubs! i was with another polish friend and we landed up at babiba! damn its nice but we got no clues we are at wrong clubs till 2 hours later? hahaa.. then berit ask us to join them at panska and we went but they were already gone!! damn it. n panska sucks. there was no one. was really drunk that nite. drank half a bot of vodka and 4 beers?? then since we went to wrong club, we decided to go mac. but kuba n the polish guy werent interested in mac so i landed eating nuggets meal alone. after that they went to a kebab place n i ordered a kebab even thou i was freaking full! mus be the alcohol cos i got no idea why i order it. but retribution struck me. it was the spiciest kebab in my life. my throat was burning and it gets very painful.. sigh...

Nothing happen on sunday. i stayed in sabinki watching 4 movies in a row namely fever pitch, must love dogs, gladiator and sin city. hahaa.. movietorn.

I dint mention several things else happen last week. first we went to a strip club. its not really kinky but 1 guy spent like 800 plus plns in 1 night? he is the only one who get a dancer drinks and ask for private lap dances? huge spender.. in the end the girl gave him her no n add and told him that she want him to teach her english? common.. how can anyone possibly believe that?

then tom went to sabinki. as it was too late, he was refused entry. he managed to beg himself in for half an hour. but after half an hour, it was time to leave. so he pretend to leave and thoma did up a road comprising of curtains n blankets n let it fall to the ground fall.. he climbed in!! how cool is that? but the next day, thoma and i climbed down from the blanket with tom holding on to it as we dont want ppl to know we are going out so late. its kinda farnie la and i had blisters on my hand to show for my misdeanvours.

Finally i be going to prague and amsterdam this sun. hozen will be here on friday so i will entertain him. on sun wee morning, claudius, rijkaard and me will be embarking on our own mini euro trip. might be going to budapest with ri as claud wanted to go back salzborg. nothing is confirmed yet for that. we shall jus take it as it come. cant wait for it. should be a smashing trip. =)

English.....?

2006-03-31T00:45:00.000-08:00

I sent an email to the student office officer in charge of our exchange. yeap the polish girl-gosia who hardly smile. i asked if the scholarship we recieved is once off or monthly(of course i wish its monthly) and her reply was polite BUT it worshen my understanding of the matter.. read the following excerpts...

Hi gosia,

I heard rumours that the scholarship of 830pln is given to non eu studentsevery month. Is that correct or is it a one off payment of 830? Thanks alotfor your time.

Regards,
David

Her reply...

every month until you leave :-) that would be mean if u received money onlyonce ;-)

Gosia

So right now im completely lost still as to whether this payment is once off or not.. i pride myself as someone who can decipher vague, grammatically wrong and amatuerish english person. however much as i look at the email again and again, it doesnt solve my dilemma. if i read the first sentence, its hooray SGH, hooray POLSKA. however the 2nd sentence is a dampener to my obvious joy.. so what could it be? is the smiley face her attempt to cheer us cos its monthly payment? or a sinister and ill concieved joke that life is never that good so get real..

Sigh..

Sunday

2006-03-26T06:00:00.001-08:00

Okae the past 2-3 days seem a sudden influx of 2 more sporean girls in warsaw. they are felix's frens and is now exchange in austria. so the unofficial statistics of sporean chineses in warsaw hits 7(plus 1 cora's fren). thats rather impressive huh. but 2 of them are back in austria so our population once again plummeted to 5. I want more chinese here..

I called some friends and my family ydae n i realise i forgotten how to speak mandarin. damn.. its like damn tough to switch to mandarin after few months of mandarin inaction. for those i dint call, its either i dont miss u or i MISS u but dunno what to say when i call..

So im should be travelling with claudius soon. the tentative plan is as such.. take a bus to prague then fly to amsterdam den to vienna and finally to budapest. it will be our personal eurotrip. i think travelling with him should prove fun. and he got free accomd in alot of places like budapest, vienna and prague. further more we trying to get tom to arrange accomd in amsterdam for us. its IMPOSSIBLE to find any hostel in amsterdam for that period now. sigh.. hope tom can help us out..

And hence if my eurotrip materialise, i will be back in spore b4 july. hooray.. can get ang paos for my impending bdae den. im sure to be totally broke when i come back. sigh.. but i already plan to work hard when i come back. im planning for a 2nd exchange. this time it should be either in bangkok or china. i wan to be near asians this time round..

Somehow i realise alot of ppl i know is planning on poland. im not sure if im a reason for it since i keep singing poland's praises b4 i come(note the word--b4). this is not to say warsaw is not fun or wat. it is fun but the fun is aso getting monotonous. before anyone start to ridicule me for being an oxymoron, i shall clarify. as i always state, life here is pretty much the same routine. u wake up, go class(if any or if u decide to go), den u go back surf the net, den drink den go club. in between of course there is ALOT of munching going on.

Ok this is turning out to be some similar ramblings from me. so i shall stop typing here. to all my frens in spore, take care n prepare my pressie! do wizinia(goodbye in polish).

headache

2006-03-21T08:57:00.000-08:00

I dont wana complain but my head is really killing me.. its so damn pain. wish im in spore so i know how to handle it. if the pain persist, i will need to spend more money on doctor.. i hope not.. i have other uses for the money..

Pictures of bratislava

2006-03-21T01:45:00.000-08:00

Bratislava airport

Street of bratislava
Devin castle Bratislava castle

overview of bratislava town

surprise windfall

2006-03-20T10:15:00.000-08:00

I recieved an email last sat saying that SGH recieved a donation and is giving scholorship to non eu students. in the beginning i dismissed it as a scam thinking this cant be true. however i was silently hoping that it will indeed be real. today an email arrived confirming the validity of the scholorship. it is to be for a one time amount of 830pln(ard 420sing). the only condition is that i cant leave the cty before 15th june or for more than half a month before that. not surprisingly, i snap up the offer and ended 83o pln richer.. =)

windfall no 2. my comp saw a blinking signal from msn. i in my goggliness(i jus woke up), off the lappie.. when i on and i check my list, i realise its from jiacong. i ask him why he is looking for me and he told me he wanted to pay me the 200bucks he owed me for like... years?? i was almost incredulous and told him its okae since i had long written off that debt. now a bad debt have been recovered. thus i can debit bankand credit bad debt recovery? fark the accounting term but im really genuinely surprised. having said that, i have yet to recieve this sum of money thus maybe i should not celebrate too early.. but if it does materialise, this is really an invaluable addition to my depleting bank account..

I have a headache now.. a very bad one at that.. damn.. this is bad.. its like killing me and so far the medicine has yet to help. and this has prolly nothing to do with alcohol as i have like cut down by 80% of my intake of booze n parties? infact there is a huge tram party tml where u got onto a tram booked by our student body and boogey n get drunk over booze?? i bought the tix but now im giving it up. doesnt seems to have the energy nor liking for such activities anymore. i have mellowed.

In anticipation for the apparant boring evening tml since everyone be out on the party, i bought a book by george jonas. its titled vengeance-the book Munich is based upon. i also bought a dvd of the show Ali even though i got no dvd player on my lappie. going to borrow my roomy's lappie to view it tml. ahhh.. this will more or less settle my evening plus i got readings to complete too.

Today i thought about when im going back to spore. i have been asked this questions a gazillion times by friends n family alike. i dont really have an answer. i always answered when my money runs out. now im not so sure. i guess i will come back earlier. maybe end june or something. just a short tour of germany and i should be back in spore. i will try to find a job and of course before that ravage thru the pile of spore's food that i craved so much. Nasi lemak.. Aghhh...

Next destination?

2006-03-19T06:31:00.000-08:00

Im cracking my head thinking where should i travel next? today i spent alot of time checking up on liverpool ticket details n it cost like around 150pounds for a lousy tix. actually i dun really mind forking up that much. imagine standing on the kop singing "you'll never walk alone". that adrenalin.. that rush to your head.. that joy that sweeps you off your feet when gerrard or fowler score.. if i ever get there to watch the mighty reds, i guess i will cry.. its the pinnacle of any travel. e epitome of great soccer teams. ahh.. my mighty reds.. if only the tix can be cheaper..

After spending time pondering where else to visit, i suddenly decided to check up on tix for cambodia n thailand. somehow im like more keen to visit these places again.. it might be for the fact that travelling kakis are easier to hunt for in these places or that i feel more at ease there. it could be the sense of familiarity and the comforting thot that ur close to home. i dunno why but somehow i jus wana go there.

However i be a complete loser, imbecile to travel all the way to europe and not see more right? eiffel tower? tower of pisa? bacelona? vienna? london? budhapest?? and of course liverpool..

"You'll never walk alone."