My life

Vball camp 2009

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:25:00 +0000

Just back from vball camp today. Was really tired and the whole camp was a rollercoaster ride emotionally.

First day was relatively uneventful since its a stay out camp but day 2 was so different. Tensions was brewing during captain's ball game between the malays and the sec 3s due to supposedly rough play. I wasnt mad at all because competitiveness is good. After my talk to them, can see they visibly ease up on each other.

BBQ was really not too bad. Even though I flustered over the cleaning part, it turned up pretty well. The real climate was the camp fire. Good job with the fire from phil's part. We started off with the dance from the malays and agnes's group. Then began the real talk. I invited them one by one for a talk. Agnes was shy as usual so I switched to Shahida as she is the talkative and outspoken one. When she poured out her reasons for joining vball and that she hates the feeling of losing, tears were streaking down her cheek. Many a times, she choked on her tears. Then others came up to share and alot started tearing. Some sec 1s which I think is Caro was sobbing when I started to talk about them.

They knew I'm leaving vball to take charge of bball. They are upset over it and so am I. I didnt cry then but my heart was in pain. Especially when I think over my own sporting past and that I have never won before for my school, I felt really wrenched. Unlike them, I would never have another chance to put that right. I was and is still really sad.

A side event of some colleagues who lied to me about their travel plans ate into me last night. I could barely sleep 40 winks as I made checks on them at night. Thinking they might be cold, I off the fans. As I look at the dark hall with my sleeping girls, I really felt very sad. When they talked about my contribution to them, I felt both proud but more of upset knowing I can not do much for them anymore. Maybe its that I am too emotional like I always was but this girls are the first team I ever took. They are under alot of flakes for not performing and get jeered on by students and teachers alike for their supposedly inept.

When Jade spoke about me allowing the game to continue on day 1 though I developed sore eye and heavy rashes before rushing over to buy camp stuffs, or when I postponed hospital for my piles for them, I really was at a loss. I really appreciate and love them.

When they say they love me, I do hope they know that I care for them alot and I will continue to care for them. The journey together was alas too brief but which I will forever hold dear to my heart. 1 way or another, while they think I have make a difference in their hearts, they have made a massive difference in mine.

As I told them, the next time they push the vball cart to training with me looking on as the teacher IC of another CCA, I probably will feel lonely and weird. Those were my girls.

Hopefully the bballers will be equally endearing..

1007

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 12:39:00 +0000

That is the timing for my 2.4km run just now. Not too bad considering I havent been training for a long time. In fact of all the CHR staffs, I finished first =)

Today was a good day. After the run, the PE team and San min went to chomp chomp to feast and had a lot of laughters and good food. Good company and food do make my day. I was so fearful I will emerged last. Thankfully my pride is salvaged..

The only drawback to today's fun was during the morning cca survey session, one of the girls insinuate I'm biased. I'm quite unhappy that it has come from her considering I played her in the friendly game though she hasnt attend trainings for eons. But I have come to realise from past surveys done in MI, you cant please the whole world or students.

Thankfully the others are relatively supportive of me. =)

25/10/2009

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 01:52:00 +0000

It have ended. A whirlwind relationship that started so suddenly has ended equally abruptly. However the hurt seems manageable now and everyday seems to diminish the memories I have of her.

Watched (500) days of summer with urine and frog last night. Drew tons of parallel between the lead actor and myself with his notions and views towards love. Yes. We been through numerous in fact countless of breakups and dumping and be dumped by others. Each experience is however different and the lessons and hurt generated, varies consequently.

CHR volleyball played against Sembawang yesterday morning too. We were comprehensively beaten by Sembawang 1st 2 teams and only managed to salvage a glimmer of respect through beating their year 1s. Behind the tough façade I put on yesterday, I am genuinely proud of the girls and their behaviours.

They did not played the best they can. Do they even know what they are capable of? During the game, I ranted and shouted at almost everyone. Deep down, I could see the various improvements they have gained from the last game. To admit to them they played very well would be overstating it too. I have faith that these girls will continue to learn and progress as players and when they leave CHR for their next institution, they'll be able to be more competent players. Some might even start to win medals for themselves. For them to greet and cheer the Sembawang team after the game warms my heart too.

Perhaps this is why the volleyball girls will forever be close to my heart.

Day 4

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:01:00 +0000

Today is the 4th day I have not seen her. Think she should be in the states now. As I am marking the papers listening to countless love songs-mostly tragic ones, I start to pine for her and reminisces over our short and brief union. It was really good while it lasted.

Last night I slept well. It was due to the exhaustion of the MOE volleyball training. It was simply excruciating. However after the training, I was so spent that I am able to sleep through without missing her. Is that the only way that I can get myself to sleep without pining for her??

I wish to turn back time and permanently stay there. Of course I know its impossible so all I can do is push on and hope she will eventually turn back and return to my embrace. I miss her still.

Loneliness with heineken

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 10:16:00 +0000

Today is the first day I havent seen her for the whole day since we first met. As Im sipping her favourite beer and typing this entry, tears continue to streak down my face. My friends could not comprehend how is it I can grieve so much in such a short relationship especially since I barely know her..

I could not understand it myself but my tears is genuine and the hurt is piercing. The emptiness is frightening and the loneliness is suffocating. I dont know what I can do or say.

Her sorrow for her failed relationship haunts me too. As I witness the girl I love broke down, I felt helpless. I called that ex but he did not pick up the phone. Even if he did, what could I say or do? Deep down, I rather she be back happily with him then be empty with me. If there is someone to feel the pain, bear the suffering, I hope it is me.

She is everything I could ask for. Pretty, gentle and thoughtful. She said she is sorry for meeting at a wrong time. She need not say sorry. She make me realised I am capable of loving again.. or feeling hurt again. Once again, Joanna Chua dearie, I really really love u. Do take care of yourself. Today should be the 1 week we are together.

shattered yet again

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 00:01:00 +0000

I thought time has come for me to give up the name to my blog. Instead i found myself staring at the deeper end of abyss. when i thought i had found love, it left me once again shattering the hopes and dreams i have held on to.

She is a broken girl herself too. her fiance just left her for another girl and she seeks solace in my embrace which i readily offered. however despite the laughters, promises and cuddles we shared, she finally came to the realisation that im not him and his not me.

I know i was the rebound when i stepped right in. i didnt mind that so long i get her. figures out that i prolly could change her if i continues to shower her with love and care. showed her to my parents as she told me she is sure of her feelings for me.

Soon i realised, she is not so sure. i have to pick myself up from this again. while you have been through pain before, it doesnt mean that pain feels any lesser when you go through it again. i got home after leaving her at 5am. its 8 now. i couldnt sleep. imageries of her flood my head when i closes my eyes.

It have only been a 6days relationship. just like charmaine before her, it stings despite the short lifespan of it all. i do not want to love or be loved anymore. the pain that might comes from it is too unbearable for me. let me stay alone for the rest of my life. i do not need or want love anymore. i seriously dont.

Walk the path of kings

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 11:59:00 +0000

Stayed at home today as on MC. Finished watching Attack no.1 in 2 days. This is a show about a vball manga and it got me tearing many times not so much of the show, but more of my personal memories in sports and also my current vball girls.

I have never finished on a winning team before so to pretend that I know the meaning or feeling of winning would simply be pretentious. However in every single game I've ever played, I know I have given my all. I really regretted not pushing myself or my teammates to the fullest when I played in tournaments. Now when I'm way past the tournament age, I truly felt panges of what could have been if we have tried harder.

The feelings of losing is never pleasant thus I could not understand why people would say its okae if you lose so long you have tried. Every defeat I went through, the sensation still stings. While time and the opportunity of the next game would go a long way in dampening the pain, it could not totally eradicate it especially if you revisit the memories from time to time.

My current vball girls are branded as no-hopers for glory. They have always floundered at tournaments and the cca is now relegated to that of a recrea cca meaning no more competitions. Despite that, they still come for trainings and go through the drills diligently. Inside some of the players, I could sense a real burning desire to excel and compete.

As I watch the serial, I draw numerous parallels between the frictional fujimi team and chr vball girls. When training resumes, I would now change the strategies of my trainings. Hopefully they would do enough over the next few months to impress the in-charge, that they are worthy to represent the school.

I will not abandon them or give up on them and I hope they are ready for the challenge. Walk the path of kings.

22/9/2009

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 12:35:00 +0000

Just came back from the hospital. My dad is hospitalised for suspected stroke. Thats the vulnerability of life and it suddenly struck me deeply. My parents arent young anymore and when you aged, your body becomes like an old car and starts to whine and break down. Such is the effect of age on you.

While I look at my dad and he seemingly dismissing it as no big deal probably to allay my mom's fears, I could see something in him that I have never seen before. I guess it struck him too. Such is the vulnerability of life and he is no exception to the rule.

I feel damn bad that I cannot do much to alleviate the fear and uncertainties except trying to be strong. Hopefully the doctor's prognosis would be positive.

Today I was extremely annoyed with one of my student. I have tried so many times to counsel and talk sense to him. I actually thought he understand. However I feel that he is a character who only feels that the world owes him and that he is this poor little lost soul. Really upseting but luckily, he is the exception rather than the norm.

Finally I came back from batam with TK, mel and dan. I guess only Tk and I had fun. It was ramadan and the party fun places were closed. In the end, TK and I went off to buy fireworks and set them off at 3 am, giggling, laughing and of course drunk.

Deflated

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:05:00 +0000

Today went for the vball training. Was actually pretty hyped up prior to the training so much so that I even put off going to hospital to remove my piles since the doctor said I would be out of action for minimum a week..

Chris came down and joined in as well. I was actually very disappointed and hurt deep down. I have prepared a cake and some tidbits to celebrate the birthdays of the September babies. However I felt that I was being underappreciated..

I had a hard time even to get them for a photo shoot and after much cajoling, I finally took some pictures none of which were satisfactory. I am really really hurt deep down.. I really do care for them and always put them in the first place. This incident has truly deflated me..

I do not ask for tangible benefits or recognition but the minimum to do is to appreciate the extent I have gone through this for them?? Minus away rushing to cake shop to buy a cake, preparing tidbits and even coming for vball while my piles up still up my arse, I really have hoped that the response would be better and that they could see the effort I put in?

In the end, it felt as if I force them to celebrate and the whole celebration became a sham that was as if to please me more than them. Nothing more to add.

Latest developments

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 15:17:00 +0000

Teaching in the new school has so far proved to be a very enjoyable thing to do. I really do enjoy my time there. What is there not to like? A wonderful superior, friendly colleagues and the students are mostly very agreeable there.

I look forward for volleyball sessions all the time. Really enjoy coaching them but just not too sure if I'm the most competent candidate to coach them. Hopefully they enjoy my training sessions as much as I enjoyed coaching them.

Next week will be the 1 week break. Cant wait for friday's training when I prolly will introduce some games and cut the training bit due to it being a holiday session.

The annoying thing is that I got piles right now. Fucking irratingly painful. -___-"
Last night spent alot on drinks.. Was expecting the others to chip in but they did not offer.. Luckily qmo and I are splitting the 2nd bottle. No more drinks for now.. Budget time.

Will go back school on monday to do some work and gym if my piles clear up by then.

how wonderful hindsight can be?

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Mon, 04 May 2009 11:45:00 +0000

Hindsight can be a really wonderful thing isn't it? The thought of turning back time when everything that went wrong is not a result of destiny but traces back to your own undoing. You wish desperately it is only a bad dream and you will awake wiping away the cold sweat that forms on your head and silently praise, "its only a bad dream".

Reality can be so cruel. If you can live your life again, what would you change? Plenty for me. Would I get a chance to relive my life again? I pray deeply into the night, hoping and wishing.. that it isn't too late after all.

I will be a better man if I can emerge from this crisis. I pray for a final chance. Please..

Musing at Doha

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 03:35:00 +0000

I'm sitting in Doha airport now awaiting my flight back to Dubai. The last few months of working in Dubai had drained the hell out of me. Indeed it knocked the stuffing out of me so much so I have decided to throw in the towel.

I will be heading back to tidy up the loose ends and tendering my resignation. My time in Dubai has been plagued by bad luck to say the least. Deciding to resign has not been an easy task. Beside the small matter of looking like a quitter, there is the problem of paying back 15k SGD in my car loan and advance for housing.

Ultimately, I am blessed that I have strong family and friends who are more than willing to help me up. Though my mom has whined about my initial decision to join Dubai despite her best efforts to dissuade me, she told me to leave the money part to her. Before leaving for Dubai, she constantly tried to pass me cash to ensure that my quality of life there will be okae. So too are my aunt and TK and Beng.

I went to BKK with Jason and had a smashing time. Knowing my financial predicament, he tried to pay more for the holidays. Also the usual suspects Urine, Frog, MK, Fat and even Short has sent me text messages to cheer me up. I guess the important lessons here is that at least I can still count on my family and friends.

Now is boarding time. I will go back Dubai and clear things up. Eagerly anticipating my return back to Spore and hopefully I can get into teaching again. I miss that so much.

Work

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:40:00 +0000

Work here is getting increasingly stressful and perplexing. I have to fend off angry customers who have their loans postponed for a long time before getting rejected, my staffs who have to run around to get applications but not only fail to receive their incentives but had to get abused by angry customers due to failed applications, management breathing down my neck for cases, constant changes of company's policies etc..

While I always urge my guys to stay focus and collected and that this would be over, plus high sounding words like "Only the best and tough will survive but once they do, the rest will fall into place", I am honestly getting jaded.

I'm working 6 days week and sometimes 7. Working hours are from 8am to maybe 6 or 7 or even longer depending on meetings and appointments. Cost of living is frighteningly high that I'm contemplating getting another loan. With no commission coming in, plus having to bring my guys around is increasing petrol costs and also having to pay for their food and drinks at times.

I keep telling myself it will be worth it and after 1 year, things will be better.. But will it?

First month in Dubai

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 09:39:00 +0000

Went to party with some younger Singaporeans last night and had a smashing time. Its the first time I party here so I guess it explains the novelty reason. I was completely beat when I got home at 4 plus in the morning as I had waken up early for badminton and the rest was playing cards at my hotel till late(Anthony bunked over in fact).

Again Carrie was drunk and was kinda silly again. Today marks the first month I have came over to Dubai. It also means I have to shift out of the apartment something which I am looking forward to. However as my own apartment wont be ready till 10th August, Charlotte and hubby kindly allow me to stay over with them. I would so much rather to move to my own place and dont inconvenient them.. But I dont have a choice do I?

I was watching "Remember the Titans" the other night and was choked with emotions again. The show is inspiring and even though I watched it for the 2nd time, I actually teared again. It reminds me of my own training while playing for the school and the camaraderie my team mates and I shared. I was also reminded of Ms Gan and my grand mother.

Time flies as I would have written this phrase for the umpteenth time in my blog. Still it frightens and perplexed me in no certain terms that once time passed, it will never ever be the same again. I remember being young and wishing I am old. Now I gotten my wish and is completely independent, I wish I was young and innocent with nally a worry in the world. Things will never be the same again.

As I see how the effects of time and age has on life, I was extremely worried that I would not be able to provide for my parents the most luxury and worry free life ever. I will not give up anymore. The main wish I have now is to climb the corporate hierarchy and provides for my parents a life that they deserve for toiling so long. I miss Jolene and Jovan alot too. Will they still remember me when I'm back?

starting of work

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 08:23:00 +0000

I've settled in reasonably well in Dubai. it isnt too bad minus the crazy rental prices and our pathetic pay. you know it would cost you minimum SGD 1,500 to get something decent? meaning either a studio in the WORST neighborhood or 1 room inside an apartment in a SLIGHTLY better area. tough choice isn't it?

The work is pretty simple for now. perhaps we are new and thus we didn't get much to do. i seriously think i am underpaid. they take me as a fresh grad thus entry level but i had years of experience in Prudential and Manulife. while not the best of agent, i had at least achieved the new fp award plus other certifications. here i saw a canadian guy working as a sales manager meaning 1 rung above me and maybe twice my pay who dont even understand the mechanics of insurance or even how to use a powerpoint. believe it or not, i was teaching him how to present to the rest and showing him pointers on the products even though i did not attend the product training. ironic isn't it?

Mert (a turk senior from work) brought us to a pub in crown plaza. pretty cool guy to chill with. not those cheong drinks dudes like terence, george or myself. he pretty much only drank 1 beer and nothing after that. perhaps thats y he drive..

I dont think failure is an option to me here. i reiterate. failure is NOT an option for me here. for those students who might be reading this entry, failure is not an option for you too. there is no room for sympathies in the world. you either make it or you dont. the world will never stop revolving just because a certain individual didn't make it. i wont fail. will u?

Day 2

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 17:30:00 +0000

Its day 2 in Dubai. Dubai shopping is AWESOME! That is to say the least. they are having summer sale now in most if not all shops. shopping malls are really huge. think vivo size for most malls and 2 vivos for some bigger malls like the Mall of Emirates (MOE). there is indoor ski mountain there. when i say mountain, im not actually exaggerating. the place is really suitable for skiing be it that you are an expert or novice. pictures of it should be up soon if you are keen to see.

Since shopping is so truly mind blogging experience, it is especially cruel to me. so many items are on red hot bargain. a mexx berms is maybe 30 sgd, a hnm tee is maybe 25 sgd, pure silk ties from woolworths (like mark and spencer) is only 15sgd! the list goes on and on..

Food is not as expensive as feared. trick is to go to smaller alleys and eat at places most tourists wont think of going. carrie and i went to deira today and we were famished! we walk and walk but there are no restaurants. suddenly i spotted some gas tanks, those huge ones you use for cooking. we made our way inside the alley and came across a small little eatery.

A briyani like dish with maybe 2.5 bowls of rice serving of basmati briyani rice, half a chicken, salad, some curry like thingy, soup and ice water cost the equivalent of 6sgd. needless to say both carrie and i couldn't finish our meal.

We cooked dinner at home. cabbage, eggs, meat and bought a roasted chicken from carrefour. total damage? about 30AED meaning about 13sgd.. not bad for 3 person huh? there was this crazy cab driver who was arguing with another driver for the right to get in (1 wanted to get in, 1 wanted to get out). they both refused to go away and were really about to come to blows. finally our cab driver gave way and they gesticulate and swear abit BUT our hero driver refused to let go. he might had suddenly felt ashamed that he backed down and gave way so he drove round and round looking for that driver.

I was getting annoyed and boosted by my gym training, i asked if you dont want to drive us, let us down. he didnt answer us but he drove us to our destination. think carrie was quite spooked by it..

So the 3 of us (with francis- a sporean chap posted here to be a restaurant's manager) continue our adventure in the middle east. tomorrow is first day of work. first day work and its sunday. need some getting use to but im so excited about work. towards a better future! ganbatte!

Away from Singapore for a long time

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:00:00 +0000

Maybe you can call it jitters, maybe even fear. The fact is despite the gungho attitude i'm trying to impress on others, i am scared. I be leaving for Dubai tonight. The unknown is indeed scary yet pulsating.

Years ago, i set up this blog to tell about my feelings when i go over for my exchange in Poland. the mish mash of emotions that were going through inside me at that time. My experiences, my friendships, my adventure and my life were all noted down for remembrance. Time truly flies as the generation old adage will attest to it. I am now a graduate and is embarking on my first job. My first proper job.

Just like i had never thought my exchange will be in Poland, little did i expect my first job posting to be in Dubai. I was thinking more along the line of China, Hong Kong but Dubai? Never cross my mind. Reality can be quite funny isnt it?

I hate sending off. Inside me, i'm proud of the fact that i got well meaning friends eager to send me off. However i am too emotionally weak for it. The departure with the hugs, byes and tears really shaken me. My friends will know me as a very emotional person contrary to what my persona will suggest. Yes indeed by now, those who known me by now knows im emotionally fragile.

It is going to be weird that the next day i'm typing will be in a complete foreign land. I'll be leaving behind my parents, family, niece, nephew, gf, urine, froggy, beng, students and many many other buddies to embark on a new chapter in my life. This chapter i suspect will define the next part of my life. Just as i known the other time round when i go over to Warsaw, i know it now too. The good byes and adieu we are going to bid tonight will be temporary. I'll be back.

"I'm leaving on a jet plane. Dont know when i'll be back again"

musings

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 09:12:00 +0000

It seems that some of my students been reading my blog and keep commenting im too emotional behind the strong and positive facade i tried to put on in front of them. so are they right in thinking that the strong front i put on is merely that.. a front? actually thats quite far from the truth.

I guess everyone has a needy time, a side of him feeling more vulnerable, weaker and negative. it does not necessarily translate in that guy in that guy taking on a new persona.. i guess that all humans or at least most got 2 sides to them. it is just a matter of displaying which side at what time.

Furthermore everyone has to understand that in this meritocratic society, in this even mercenary world, there is really no place for sentiments, for nostalgic and for the weak. if you lack behind, you are eliminated thats it..

Time of teaching has ended.. I'm basically just willing my time away till dubai. I went out on this date yesterday. to quote a line from the movie "the last samurai", it was perfect.. it could be her level of thinking, or her maturity or even her looks, we had an enjoyable evening together. do hope she can go dubai to work alongside with me. that would make it so much more interesting to say the least.

Just to conclude.. i was looking through my msn contacts and as usual, were deleting those that i have lost touch with. i came across her's.. she wont ever be online again or reply to my messages. she will be permanently appearing as offline in my contact list. i did not delete the name.. i typed a message to her even though i knew that there is no way she will ever read it.. however i just want her to know, she may be gone but never forgotten. she will always be in my heart, in my memories. i miss her so much. ms emily gan, if there is an afterlife, i will still be your best student cliche this may sound. go in peace and i hope you finally found the peace you so richly deserve.. RIP.

leaving MI

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Fri, 23 May 2008 17:08:00 +0000

Today was my last day teaching of MI. finally i typed in the key word MI so there would be higher chance of some random students finding out my blog address. How was my last day in school?

Well, i was really sad that this whole adventure had to come to a close. bena demanded to walk me to school today. i went to b8,a2 class and concluded the session with them. nope it wasnt emotional and we just took some pictures and thats it.

Went to gym and bball with the usual b7 guys. an incident stuck in my head and its really making me very very upset. when i tried to play vball with hj for awhile, the vball gers ask her to go join up with them. i know they hated me over the wendy's incident and she hated me too. do i regret what i have done?

The answer is an emphatic NO. i did what i could for her. giving her talks after talks, telling the combined class to bear with her and she mean no harm when she was distracting the class, pleading with her mom and sis and her vball teacher to continue to let her play on when she was asked to leave, asking the school to give her another chance as she is basically not a bad kid and whats more with some really good intelligence?

She threw the marker at me for fun which i know. however what am i supposed to do? i do need to maintain discipline in class isnt it? i have also told her before not to toe the line in class but she persist on. having a slight talent is nothing to count for in this school without sheer hardwork and a positive attitude. even then, i gave her a chance to write a letter which she took mc the next day.

Why am i so bothered with annal kids, childish and myopic in their vision? well.. its cos i care.. not only for her but for each and everyone under my charge. i treated them as my obligation, my responsibility. seeing how they waste their time away not knowing that so few of them would eventually make it, tears me apart. i truly from the bottom of my heart want them ALL to succeed so that no one will ever look down on the school again..

When A5 passed me the card they made for me, i teared silently. this class... i have a bitter love hate relationship with them. i dont hate them per se.. i dont hate or favor any particular class.. this class however i worried about them alot.. during my last lesson with them, i gave them a tight tongue lashing. they made me a huge card promising me that they will buck up for their exams and they want to show me they can do it.. as im typing that now, my eyes well up uncontrollably.. as i told them, im not asking for gratitude.. but if they can use my words to spur them on to greater heights, to success, to victory, i would be more than pleased..

Some students think im too emo at times.. too moody and sometimes too fierce. i can take the easy way out and ignore the troublemakers, but i refuse to. deep down, i refuse to give up the fight on them. i want them to win this race.. i dont know if i have done enough and despite the accolades and well wishes i have garnered from my many students, i am not even sure if im a competent teacher.

Something for sure is i tried my darn best to make it work. i just hope that i have touch someone in some way. even if they were to hate me, and channeled their disdain for me into strength to study, i will gladly buy that.

As i walked away from the school for possibly the very last time, i closed this chapter of my life. it had long been a dream of mine to teach. i have seen and experienced many things in this great adventure. from the bottom of my heart, i pray that each and every one of my students can find success. i humbly pray for them..

teaching

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sat, 10 May 2008 06:23:00 +0000

School has been fine... Actually fine is an understatement. i think it has been a great and enriching experience though not everything went according to plan. perfection might be just a myth aye? much talk about but seldom achieve.

I had a dream long before. i always want to try my hands in teaching and i finally fulfilled that dream. although it is only for a couple of months, i think this is the job i enjoyed doing the most out of all those i had done so far. in fact the last time i can remember having inundated fun and satisfaction during the course of work.

There were the bad moments. when you see your students threading the route that many of your peers had taken while in school, u felt upset, disturbed and more acutely disappointed. it is not easy for a student in the school to make it to university. despite statistics vindicating the mammoth task placed ahead of them, they remain indifferent and oblivious to it.

Some students commented that lately i like to put them down. i do not enjoy that. i want every single of my students in fact the school to make it from the bottom of my heart. there was this student. she is talented, chirpy and vivacious. however she lacks discipline and does not understand or realize the magnitude of a task facing her. she threw a marker at me. of course i know its a joke, a prank. for the sake of retaining control of the class, i have to act. i counseled her a number of times but to no avail.

She has since quited the school. deep down, i was smashed. i read her blog and now i'm her public enemy no one. am i affected too deeply by her hatred to me? do i regret my actions? actually i don't. i rather she leave the school now then to stay on for 3 years and flunk out. however it hurts me to see her wasting herself and her talents.

I scolded my students the other day. the thing about the students here is they give up on themselves too easily. they quit too easily. seeing a tough question, facing a tough course, encountering a tough teacher, they took the easy way out. they quit. however such actions not only fail to endear themselves, but its like a death note symbolizing their impending doom either from being kick out of school or eventually failing to make the grade to university.

I am about to go dubai. am i excited about the trip? not really. there is this dread in me that is gently warning me that i would regret leaving the country, the parents, the school, the teaching, the friends and also the students. some friends question my sanity and rationality in wanting to leave..

Its the opportunity and most importantly the promise. the promise to myself. i will give myself, my parents and my future family the best life ever. i want to make it big.. i correct the statement. i will make it big. if it calls for sacrifices, i guess i have no other choice but to grind my teeth and bear with it?

I will miss MI and my students. all of them..

Ramblings on love

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:40:00 +0000

A student shared with me an anecdote of hers lately that she used to be so clueless even on the meaning of LOVE. I was stumped. Fact is.. I suspect that I myself do not understand the true meaning of love.

I had went through numerous relationships. Some good, others bad. The important thing is all ends up in tatters one way or another. Having resume my bachelorhood lately, a fact failed to escape my attention.. Indeed I'm getting on in age.

I remembered wishing to settle down by 27 years old maximum in the past. In a couple of months, I will turn 27. No marriage remains in sight and doesn't look anything close to it too. While I constantly reminds those around me on the virtues of having a stable and remarkable career first before switching your focus to your love life, its not difficult to see that it is way easier to expound on it than to really practice it.

Almost ashamed to admit that in spite of numerous girlfriends and aging by the minutes, I remain none the wiser on love. How provocative that even those people who went through probably half of what I'm been through, can narrate and adhere to love and its teachings much better than I do.

I have decided to go Dubai. The last time I traveled overseas to do my exchange was to escape a broken relationship and its remnants of memories, promises and hopes. This time I hope to really push on for my career. If ultimately, I remains luckless with the God of Love, I hope at least I can be successful in my work and give fortunes and happiness to my family.

I continued to hope that enlightenment of love and the bliss it brings will struck me soon. Hope is dissipating fast though..

updates

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 16:46:00 +0000

So many things have happened after i last updated my blog. i shall list them down though not in order..

(1) i finally graduated from smu with a pass degree.. did not managed to get degree with merit but just happy im out of the school..

(2) im finally about to end my time with insurance companies. achieved my goal of getting at least an award as it will look better in my CV. went to the award gala.

(3) i have a gf whom i was really serious about. however due to various reasons, i just broke up with her ydae.. today was her bdae.. why did things turn out this way?

(4) i finally went to taiwan which was one of the countries i really wanted to visit. i went with her but was struck down by severe illness a few days into the trip..

(5) ms gan passed away. it was a protracted and painful battle.. seeing her lying motionless in the coffin, i shed tears. memories of her in what seems like yesterday came flooding back. before she passed away, i finally garnered enough courage to tell her how i feel.
"some people set up their hold life trying to leave a legacy. you have left yours in me. you will always be my legend ms gan.." RIP.

(6) I got a job offer to head to dubai. from fullerton financial which is a 100% owned subsidiary from temasek holdings. thinking if i should take it up. dubai is after all really far from my family..

(7) im doing relief teaching at my former school. it is like one of my dream to be a relief teacher. i had accomplished it finally.. the students are great and i had a brunch of really fun relief teacher frens. actually some students asked if i will go into full time teaching.. my parents are really keen on me doing that too.. i enjoyed my time.. however im determined to climb up the corporate ladder. if i fail, maybe i will consider teaching. but then again, i will not fail. failure is not an option.

right now, im just really unclear about my next move. career is the paramount importance in my life right now. pray i will choose the right move. then again, life is about taking risks isnt it?

Memories

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 09:02:00 +0000

Date 04/12/2007
Time 1703 hours

16 more days and she will be leaving the shores of Singapore for home..while home to her have been singapore for the past 1.5 years, the time has unfortunately arrived.. memories of her are brief at best. its not too much to say despite the time she has here, we never properly treasure each other.

When i first met her, it was at the services marketing class. sitting opposite where i was located, she captured my undivided attention straight away. the class become pretty straight forward. coming to class was merely to look at her. i was contented just to admire her from afar. as the term came to an end, i bid my silent farewell to her, thinking i will never get to see her again.

I was wrong.

Following semester, Asia Pacific Business class. She strided into classs, resplendent even thou its a morning class. taking her seat beside mine, i was silently delighted. is that fate? when asked to divide into groups, no prizes for guessing who would be in mine.. when the prof announced she wish to change the grouping again, i went up to her after class. NO! you cant touch my group.. giving a host of reasons which ranges from the absurb (our group went for outings and is really a cohesive brunch) to the subtle (its bad for the morale for the class, if you keep persisting in modelling the groupings according to your whims and fancies), to the ultimatum (our group already found a company and started work on it. it wont be fair to tear us up now). i was adamant that my group be not cut up and she continue to be in the group. no way some prof irritating as they are, going to deprive me of that.

The semester breeze through. i pretended to get her msn for "project reason". funnily, she bit, hook and sinker. we began to chat online. from topics as interesting as have u eaten? to her school, why she stayed on for another sem etc etc..

Mustering enough courage, i dated her out. i succeeded! we went to km8. first drink i noticed her having, Gin tonic. brilliant. thats my least favourite drink. who cares? im satisfied with my cold kilkenny beer. surreal feeling. lying there on the deck chair with the girl that totally blew my senses away.. a case of overdramaticism? not really if you check with my friends. i held her hands briefly. why briefly? cos she pulled it away. duh.

Other dates, we went to changi brieftly for a drink, the sea breeze (not that it was a particularly breezy day) blew and the waves hums softly as it pelted against the boats and rocks..

We went to east coast park too. dinner at korean place. bbq meat. they asked.. is she ur gf? i smiled. i wished she is.. after dinner we went strolling on the beach.. sitting on a bench, i hugged her. nice fuzzy warm feeling.. awesome. i wont mind time stopping and come to a standstill. her smses start pouring in.. invites for her to party.. time to leave.. i curse silently at whoever that disturbed my moment of euphoria.

Newasiabar. was there with my company ppl. was already really drunk. yes, she decided to join us.. i half crawl, half muddled my way down the lift and garnered all my strength to inform the cab driver. "first to MOS cab pick up point, then back to NAB". soon she hopped into the cab. she was in this tiny beige denim skirt. CUTE.. kawaii.. at NAB, adrian and co start chanting.. "kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss..." their usual chant. this time was different.. i really WANTED to kiss her plus im drunk. unknown courage behest upon me. i kissed her. on the lips. not sure if she realised i was going to kiss her thus didnt avoided it. i have my kiss, the crowd had their wish. they cheered, my head was dizzy. whether it is from the numerous drinks i had, or the kiss i stolen, i dont know. i suspect thou, neither did i cared.. the night had to end somehow thou. i sent her back. the next day. i puked. massive hangover. memories of our tender first kiss lingers. hangover or not, i will forever keep those memories.. will i ever kiss her again?

We studied in the library really often. one period of time, we met daily. on this particular night, her sms and calls start flowing in. her facial expressions changed. something had happened at home. i queried. she told me in a chilling voice "its not your business. dont ask.." i was not about to pick a fight. i sensed something really wrong. i wont probed if she dont wish to share. i be merely standing around if she needs me. if she needs me, i be the first one down. just like when she was sick and i rushed to send her to see a doctor, just like if she is hungry, i be down in a flash. she cried outside the library and lashed at me to stay away.. i tried to console her. to no avail. imageries of her tearing pierced my heart.. as i trudged to the car, tears were welling up. her pain, my misery. she didnt know and its best she dont. should i add to her pain?

After that night, we stopped meetings. im not sure why. but she just drifted away.. long time after that we had some occasions we nearly met. once i sms her late, i cant meet cos i got work appointment. i lied. i went home. i cancelled the work appt too. i was sad and afraid. i was too afraid of meeting her. meeting her for a night than having to stay out from her life for the rest of my time, petrifies me.. she said before. "Your whole world revolves around yourself". she couldnt be more wrong.. if she had bothered to think carefully.. my world revolves around her..

Finally we met. my heart was beating fast. i was excited yet frightened. friends or even acquaintances who knew me, would realised that im funny, jovial and of course noisy. in front of her, im not the man i am with others.. she be the one talking and laughing and her words hypnotised me. her personality engulfed me. but mostly, i remembered her tears. i worried and fretted over saying the right thing. i had this uncanny ability to irritate and anger her. keeping my mouth shut is perhaps the best way to avoid that.

She commented. going out with you is a bother. you dont talk or respond. you are just too quiet. yeap i am, just that she didnt know why..

I asked for pictures to be taken together. she told me.. "i dont like to take pictures". however her facebook is filled to the brim with pictures. a guy stands out. i came to realise. he is hee soo. her bestie or so as she told me. i wanted a picture. i couldnt get a single one. others are getting it by the dozens. do i matter to her?

many a times she asked me to meet her friends. i wanted to. i swear i wanted to but when she starts to reveal the sheer amount of friends going, i panicked. i was worried how should i behaved, what should i wear etc. i chickened out. i took the easiest road. i back out. this increase her disappointment in me. i always claimed to love her and i keep "dipping" on her? how ironic right? do she knows that i wanted to see her so badly, but im afraid i be too much of a hassle and im also afraid of embarrashing myself.. would her friends take to a stranger kindly for invading the exchange clan?

She asked me before to meet her mom. i was over the moon. like Seriously! in singapore, meeting parents constitutes to acceptance. i was late. i had a family function. when i smsed her, there was no reply.. she was asleep and i ended disappointing her agian..

Her chinese tutor asked me. "is she your gf and did she learn mandarin for u?" i wishes so. but nah. the feelings strictly one sided. my side of course.. still i was happy. at the chance of meeting teacher. i rationalize that by meeting her teacher would meant that im slightly more impt to her now. right?

One night, i smsed her. asking her to be my gf. she told me she likes me too. i teared. i havent cried for girls after my breakup. for jannell lee, i cried yet again. her smses symbolised struggles. its not an easy period for her. she was about to go home from a place she had called home for the past 1 year plus. having a bf at this juncture would surely not helped things.

I promised to come over, to fight for things to happen and also reminded her that having a bf from the safe area is not bound for success. i am right. but having a distant bf is surely a recipe for disaster? but im a guy who fights for love. i love her and i would willingly fight and give up a limb to be with her. but it takes two to clap. am i insinuating she is a weakling? No. im perhaps just not that important to her.

Her birthday was creeping near. i had plans. my parents will be out of town. the whole place is my own. i wanted to call her friends over and had a party. despite numerous sms and calls, they didnt agree or even reply.. i was hopping mad inside.

Location of celebration was to be timbre. i bought along my present for her a watch in high spirits. i must pretend to forget her friends didnt bother to call me back for the outing. its her day! i must be good. why a watch for her present? watches is perhaps the only thing she lacks and i can afford. her watch had been with her for ages. a cute little disney watch which ancient age certainly shows when the watch strap broke one and had to be replaced. i was with her. i know. a watch would also allow her to wear it often and when she looked at the time, perhaps (just perhaps) she would count the time before we reunite and be together again.

That night was bad. her friends were saying she is a couple with HS. i sat at a corner, pretending to be nonchalent and continued to talk to a korean guy. but everything that was happening, i took a mental note.. it was gnawing at me.. after she unwrapped my present, he took out his pressie for her. a heart shaped pendant. surely a symbol of love. he bent over and put it on for her. the friends cheered. i smiled meekly. the watch strap for her was too long. she stretched out her hand for me to remove the watch and make the necessary adjustments. i tried but the f**king watch refused to unbuckle. i didnt want to force it open for fear of hurting her. the knight in silver armour, HS offered his help. bending over, he began to twist and turned and force the watch into submission. he won. the watch lost.

All through the night, he was lying on her shoulder, putting his hands around her, whispering into her ears etc. i so badly want to turn and leave. i couldnt right? its her day. its her 23rd bdae. i cant be so petty. i stayed on. however my patience or maganimity snapped at MOS. i excused myself and leave.

Sent her a sms to explain my departure. her reply was incoherent at best. she was drunk. if drunkness had caused her to accept his advances, i was still really disappointed that during the time at timbre when she is sober, she didnt tried to stop it.

Of course there are mitigating factors like they are exchange students and exchangees are usually more affectionate. i know. i am one before. but having the whole drama unfurled in your face is still too bitter a pill to swallow. she apologized to me. the apology is not needed. she is not my gf.. she doesnt need to be responsible to me.

i drove her in a flash. i had 7 beers and 1 vodka lime. way above the legal limit. first time i degenerate into an irrseponsible driver. last time too i hoped. she asked for time. she said she want to be with me. i refused her time. i wanted her to let HS know she is mine. they went off for a trip. i was stuck here. i am jealous and uncertain and fearful. do she really likes me??

She had always asked me for actions to back up my claims of liking her.. whats her actions beside the smses she sent me? i kept the smses she sent me. now its overflowing to a tune of more than 150. i dont keep smses. but i kept her's. she is different. she is my angel.

Now she is probably somewhere diving and having incredible fun. im about to go bintan tomorrow. its with a heavy heart, im leaving. i miss her so. but having come so far with precious memories with her albeit little and having a place in her heart no matter how tiny, is already more than i can ever dream or ask for.

I will go to canada willingly to unite with her. if she just gave me the go ahead and also accept me and know where i stand. after sunday night smses with her, i dont think that is likely to happen.

Maybe it is time for us to take a bow and leave. Fate while bringing us together, has not kept us together. like what she say, its a case of wrong countries, wrong timing.

I miss you Jannell.

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some, I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me

I want to be strong I want to laugh along

I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want to dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on

All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to doIs to bring out the best in me and in you
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause - Life is our cause
When I think of your kisses my mind see-saws
Do you see - do you see - do you see how you hurt me baby
So I hurt you too
Then we both get so blue.

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unravelingIt's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could beI want to have fun,
I want to shine like the sunI want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free

All I want by Joni Mitchell

bored bored bored

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 05:03:00 +0000

2nd week of class... Bored and sleepy.. cannot concentrate in class cos too old liao.. working and studying is so not fun.. sigh.. my prof now her muscles so big, it puts me to shame.. really huge.. what a lady..

missing the love

noreply@blogger.com (david) — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 16:23:00 +0000

Havent been writing for some time. decides to write today as i feel that no one actually reads my blog anymore due to months of inaction. Just finish catching the jay chow show-secret. emotions stirred in my jaded heart.

If i have a piano score that can transport me back to the period i experienced true love, how great that would be. i miss you charmaine. deep down in my heart even thou its 3 years we broken up, you have never left me. etched deep in my heart, no eraser can void the memories u brought to me. good and sad..

Today is the freshman camp of the newest batch of undergrads. it was during this period, our fate first intertwined. 3 years had passed since that time. how i misses you.. i tried to be nonchalent, indifferent and had numerous girls after you. no one has successfully replace you. since the breakup, you have moved on. i have moved on.. at least i tried to move on. i will give up anything just to turn back the clock to that moment in my life. the bliss then. the torment now.

Movies like "Secret" haunts me.. unlike the frictional characters, i cannot turn back time, to revert back to a period i won your heart first, then break the love we share. though the time spent was short, it raptured my heart. my heart pines no end for you. alcohol can dampen the pain. other girls can divert the misery.. time can corodes the memory.. but nothing so far, has cure the misery.. i miss you still.

Time waits for no one.. overchiche metaphorical statement no doubt but true to the last word. i can no longer turn back to a period of innocence, a period of true love and bliss, a period of unparrellel joy.. im an empty shell devoid of true love and bliss. i have the fortune of a gf now who loves me deeply. however i knew deep down, she aint the one to take over the past, to cure the pain. but then again, who is? my heart beated for her. since then, it continues to beat not cause of anyone but because i must continue my odyssey in life.

Whatever you are doing now charmaine, i can only watch you from afar praying and hoping that someday, somehow i will be with you even if its for the same 2 months 6 days, i will tell you that yes i will accept it.. i will still be your man. i silently sink back into the nite with tears..